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Original poster

Ds and scars on his face

67 replies

5SleepingLions · 12/09/2018 01:42

My Ds has just started year 1 and today he told me some of his friends have started asking about the scars on his face and he seemed OK about it if not a little quiet.
I am going to talk to his teacher about it tomorrow but I don't know what to say.
He asked me so many questions about them which broke my heart as I wasn't expecting the questions so soon.

OP posts:
enbh · 12/09/2018 08:58

scab

CommunistLegoBloc · 12/09/2018 09:00

Bloody hell ragged

SleepingStandingUp · 12/09/2018 09:05

You know what ragged , if only your son had nearly died for his scars, you could feel so much more excited about them!!

My son has a huge horizontal scar across his abdomen when they cut him open 7 times from the ages of 2.5 weeks up to 18 months. I'm ^soooo^ grateful every day that it was never routine surgery, it was always lifesaving, will he come back with a stoma? will he come back alive? Imagine if he'd only had chicken pox, how would I regale everyone??? How else could I possibly get excited about the scars he will carry for the rest of his life!!

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Original poster
5SleepingLions · 12/09/2018 09:07

Ragged I guarantee you don't have nightmares of your child screaming whilst being mauled with you fighting to protect your baby.
I'd rather him not have an interesting story thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
5SleepingLions · 12/09/2018 09:10

Sleepingstandingup Flowers
My little boy only had one surgery so god knows how you coped.

OP posts:
TechnologicalAbyss · 12/09/2018 09:13

I can quite well see how it has never come up. We didn't have a mirror until DD was 6! She has a small scar, not on the scale of your DS's, but others do ask her about it. She remembers getting it so just tells what happened.
It's the age where they notice things, my DC asked me why I wore glasses - they'd never questioned it before!
Put a positive spin on it, there asking because they're interested in you. Give him a stock, matter of fact answer he can use.

twinkletoedelephant · 12/09/2018 09:13

Ds has a thick scar down from the middle of his head down to his neck from crainal surgery he had when he was 4.… Kids all ways point it out at EVERY hair cut.

He knows he had to have an operation as his brain was to big, and growing in the wrong place. He had a copy of his brain scan so he could show his friends/teachers how cool his brain is :)
Kids like talking about scars and who's broken what.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/09/2018 09:14

5SleepingLions you've been through an awfully traumatic time, ours was very different and honestly I think we probably got away with less heartbreak than you must have felt. We coped the same way you do, every day you just keep going.

I told mine his scar was a magic line his surgeon made to make him better. Could something like that work? The scars are all the places where you got better?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/09/2018 09:20

@ragged, Are you for real?

ragged · 12/09/2018 09:24

Ah, my usual knack for saying exactly the wrong thing!!

You can ask for my message to be deleted.

I thought OP wanted advice for what her son should say.
Now I realise that OP doesn't know how to explain the history to anyone because it's too painful for OP to remember.

I only have to worry that folk think I'm a terrible parent that I didn't stop my son from scarring himself.

I remember asking a friend why he was in a wheelchair. I knew from stories he told that he used to run around tables as a child. He (said) he was in a terrible car crash, age 17, in a remote location, lucky to be found but left almost quadriplegic.

He could have told a more dramatic story other times but I think that was the truth.

I'm sure I've said exactly all the wrong things again but you can ask for this to be delete too & forget about me.

ChilliMum · 12/09/2018 09:29

Hi Op, it gets easier. I have a scar on my face. Not huge but very noticeable and throughout my childhood it was the first thing other kids asked about when we met. I never really minded talking about it mostly I was just a bit embarrassed I didn't have a cool story to go with it (fairly mundane collision with a push bike Blush).

It was much worse as a teenager when people were too polite to ask but would just stare at it while talking to me Hmm.

My friends tell me they don't notice it now and as an adult no one ever mentions it Smile

Florries · 12/09/2018 09:40

Don't worry, ragged it's clear you ment well and we're trying to help.

My DN fell from the shed roof aged 9 and has a giant scar all up his arm. He alternates between shark attack and battling Voldemort.

OP, perhaps CBT would help with your thoughts?

Star455 · 12/09/2018 09:45

Hi OP. We are in a similar situation to you. My DD has also just started year 1 and was also mauled by a dog just after her 3rd birthday. She has 3 scars on her face which break my heart every day.

I have never tried to 'hide' her scars from her but I have equally not pointed them out as yet. She is a typical 5 year old, loves playing with make up etc. but hasn't, as yet, asked any real questions about what the marks are.

I don't really have any advice for you but just wanted you to know you're not alone and that I'm dreading the day she comes home from school asking why the other children are discussing her face.

Life really isn't fair sometimes xx

MissionItsPossible · 12/09/2018 09:47

Children ask questions and are generally not as nasty as adults (the amount of threads on here and stories in the papers about adults making ignorant comments towards children is disgusting) but this appears to be inquisitive rather than offensive.

Talk to your son and explain his scars are part of him and how best to move on in the future. I think this is affecting you more than him and you need to sort yourself out before he reaches his teens as then it might manifest into his own insecurity at that stage of his life.

Original poster
5SleepingLions · 12/09/2018 09:49

The thing is it's not something that gets brought up often as friends and family know what happened and we just get on with it.
It was just a shock yesterday that he came out with it as he knows he was bitten by a dog as he says but I don't think he realised that he has scars.
Ragged Its OK I was a bit touchy this morning and it's just brought it all up so sorry its not nice for any of our children to have scars no matter how they got them.
Thanks everyone

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 12/09/2018 09:50

@ChilliMum
It was much worse as a teenager when people were too polite to ask but would just stare at it while talking to me

Reading my post back it reads as a bit harsh telling the OP to sort themselves out but this is an example of what I meant. Glad things are ok now, chilli Smile👍🏽

MissionItsPossible · 12/09/2018 09:53

@5SleepingLions
He is still learning. He won’t have any idea of his own image and is now learning and hearing that people who don’t know the background of the incident are questioning him and will in turn question himself. It’s your job to be strong to strengthen his own self identity so he can take that into his teenage years

Desmondo2016 · 12/09/2018 09:54

My son developed alopecia at primary school age and he was very brave and decided (with the help of his teacher) to stand at the front of the class, tell his story and ask for any questions.. that was years ago and he literally hasn't had any issues with his random bald patches since. Maybe your son could do this? He may be too young of course but just an idea. And massive hugs to you both

MorningsEleven · 12/09/2018 10:04

Oh the wee scone!

Kids will ask and it's good if he can feel resilient enough to shrug it off. I bet it's far worse for you because he won't remember but every time it comes up you'll be reliving that awful event. I think my advice would be to let him know he's beautiful in every way and very brave and to mask your emotions when it comes up. I'm sure you already do that, it's very difficult though.

PavlovaFaith · 12/09/2018 10:13

I taught Y1 a couple of years ago and I messed up with a girl who had burns on her hand.

I heard someone say "[Child's name] has been burnt".

I was looking over a child's writing and heard the word "burnt" and asked "who's been burnt?". It transpired that this particular girl had been burnt by a pan on the hob when she was a toddler. I got a call from cross parents the next day (they were fine when I explained my mistake) about "how it was handled".

I would chat to the teacher about it and just make them aware so they can support your child with the questions he might get asked. He may not notice anything different about himself yet but it is something he will have to deal with questions about for the rest of his life.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/09/2018 11:11

Florries the thing is so many people such stupid comments and mean it you can't assume anything. ragged I see you didn't mean it the way you came across. It's hard not to get defensive but I see you didn't mean any offense

Original poster
5SleepingLions · 12/09/2018 11:19

Star I've just seen your post about your Dd it's so horrible isn't it and for you that wasn't that long ago, my son was 14 months old so he doesn't remember anything.
Its just the questions he was asking me that hurts the most
Why did she bite me?
What did I do?
Why didn't she like me?
I spoke to teaching assistant today and they are going to keep an eye out for any problems.

OP posts:
Tomboytown · 12/09/2018 11:20

I have scars on my face from a dog attack when I was 18months old.
Occasionally over the years someone mentioned them. They never bothered me. I honestly never think of them.
When I was about 16 a ‘friend’ said I couldn’t be really pretty because of them Hmm

Original poster
5SleepingLions · 12/09/2018 11:24

Tomboy what an awful thing for somebody to say, if somebody says something like that to my son I don't think I could control myself as what he has been through I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 12/09/2018 12:15

That must have been so hard. My son was born with a cleft lip so I don't know what he would have looked like without his scar, which is probably a good thing. The actual scar isn't that noticable, it's things like his nose looks flat, his smile is wonky where the muscles in his lip don't work very well and his speech isn't clear. His teeth are wonky and when he opens his mouth you can see he is missing part of his gum and one tooth on the right hand side. My 7 year old has started asking questions about it. He was 2.5 when my 5 year old was born and nearly 3 when he had his operation so he doesn't remember. We have several pre surgery photos of my 5 year old on the wall but it has still taken my 7 year old this long to start asking questions.