Is it common not to leave your child with anyone other than their parent?

[oooompa]

I was reading something on Facebook about the pressure on mum's to leave their baby's with relatives "for a break", and was surprised by, in my mind, the extreme responses.

Quite a few people said they would not leave their child with anyone except their dad until the child was old enough to articulate if someone had touched them or behaved inappropriately towards them.

It might be that I'm on the other side (I can't wait for baby's first sleepover just so I can have more than 3 hours of sleep in a row!) but does that not seem quite extreme?

Obviously it's the parents own choice whether to leave their children in the care of someone else, but I couldn't imagine going 2/3/4 years without having even a few hours break whilst LO is being looked after by family.

I did point out that parents who had to work had no choice in the matter, but apparently everyone should be lucky enough to have saved enough to cover one parent staying at home until their child/children are going to school full time!

Is this way of thinking more normal than I think? Maybe I'm just a bad mum who can't wait for a bottle of wine, bath and an early night with no interruptions?

My DD was happy to pass her tiny bundle off very early on by MN standards to get time for sleep or simply alone. First little grandchild was days old when DH and I were sent off to the park 😊

I'm breastfeeding and am not great at expressing so leaving DD for more than a few hours isn't yet an option. I think when she is older I will be ok with her being babysat so we can go out in the evening.

I don't understand why grandparents and other family members are desperate to have baby sleepovers. I can understand being persuaded to do it as a favour or in an emergency but I don't get doing it for fun. I love DD but should she move out and have her own DC I am going to enjoy my uninterrupted sleep.

My Eldest is 10 and never had a night away from both me and his dad at the same time. Each to their own I say.

That must have been blissful for her to have some hours peace to do what she wanted @Grasslands!

These people said even family members wouldn't be alone with their children, because most cases of child abuse the child knows the perpetrator.

Obviously I recognise theirs a risk, but I think it's quite sad that there's no one in their life they would trust, not even their own parents.

I trust my mum 100%, she adores her grandchildren (I think most grandparents do!), DD1 was 6 months when she went for her first sleepover there. DD2 is 7mo and hasn't had a sleepover yet as she's a bottle refuser who wakes up multiple times during the night. I'm counting down the days until I can ship her off on her merry little way!

To be fair it's not that I don't trust my DDs grandparents it's that I don't feel ready to be separated. I feel a lot of irrational guilt because she had to spend her first night in NICU which I will probably need to work through.

@alwaysontimeneverlate of course, I wouldn't criticise parents for the choices they make, only that I found it a bit strange. I don't find it strange about a child not having a night away from their parents, but when people said they would be SAHM so as to not leave their child in the care of anyone else, that's what I find odd.

I was abused by my own parent, so I understand completely why it’s hard to trust people.

DH and I didn’t go out for the evening until our twins were 22 months, and they were already in bed. I would struggle to leave them with other people.

As pp it was nothing to do with not trusting anyone, I just didn't want to be separated from her.

I do t leave mine with anyone but their dad. Nothing to do with abuse. I just don't have any reason to leave them.

@JustlikeDevon no I can understand that, but these people said they wouldn't leave their kids specifically because they didn't trust anyone.

If you don't want to be separated from your children I understand that, but not trusting anyone to look after them if you HAD to be separated from them I find more confusing.

"My Eldest is 10 and never had a night away from both me and his dad at the same time. Each to their own I say."
I sincerely hope that's his choice not yours.

I personally find your way of thinking normal OP and most of my friends and family have been the same. My DS was having sleepovers at MILs and SILs from 8 weeks at he started nursery pt at 6 months and went full time at 10 months.
For me, alone time with my DH is vitally important to the happiness of our family and the strength of our marriage. Also, my career is important to me so full time childcare was a necessity.

Waiting 2/3/4 years to do this was not an option.

Re not left alone until they are able to speak, I hope they've all saved enough to afford them to not work and home scho forever should their children have any learning delays that impedes speech. DS 3 certainly couldn't tell me if someone abused him. Some of my friends kids will be never be able to. That's why disabled kids are a greater risk for abuse. However I think refusing to have any one but you or your partner look after them for the next numerous decades isn't reasonable for many people.

And if you are concerned about your own parents and PIL's abusing your child, surely statistically your partner is a greater risk

Also my DD is such a bad sleeper who only settles when breastfed that I wouldn't want to put my parents or in laws through it. I wouldn't contemplate it until she had a somewhat reliable sleep pattern.

Don’t trust what strangers write on the internet. People say all sorts of shit on Facebook!!

(Yes the irony of my comment has not escaped me)

My eldest has stayed overnight with his grandparents as a younger child and has had sleepovers with friends. My younger three haven't though. I wouldn't like them anywhere else at night other than home, but that's because no one has offered to have them and I would feel uncomfortable with leaving them due to their development problems, they can be hard to care for at night and I wouldn't think anyone else in the family could or would want to cope with that.
They have gone for a few hours during the day though, but only for arounf 2 hours.
My youngest is one and I'm not even thinking of leaving him yet.

@SnuggyBuggy my DD is the same, she won't even settle for her dad (why I'm trying so desperately to get her to take a bottle! )

I understand why you wouldn't want to leave her, it's the people who wouldn't leave them for fear of abuse that confuses me.

@Snoopychildminder I'll take it all with a pinch of salt I realised that the post was from an American company and most of the people commenting were American, maybe they're all better off than me to be able to afford to stay at home!

It’s often very hard to leave them, but they will leave one day. For the parent as much as for the children being comfortable away from each other is essential.

My grandson had stayed with us since he was 10 months old. He adores staying with us and it gives DD a chance to relax and for her to have time to herself and couples time with DSiL.
We did the same with my in-laws and my children are incredibly close to them, the only reason they're not so close to my dad is that my mum died when DD was nearly 2 and he never really had time to have them to dtsy

We haven't left our 3 year old and 14 month old with anyone overnight. Not due to being scared of abuse but lots of other reasons. I can't really see them going anywhere in the next couple of years either

Our DS is 9 and never had a night away. No ones ever offered to take him! My parents just babysit here when we go out.

DD had her first overnight stay away from me at 13 months with my brother's family to save her hours on end in the car due to an event I had to go to.

Before that, from 4m she was looked after by a friend but at home once a week while I resumed teaching piano.

In addition to work-related neglect I've had around 5 social evenings out since DD was born (she's 16m now) while DD has been babysat either by my parents or by a neighbour.

@BertrandRussell why's that out of interest?

@oooompa

Defiantly each to their own & depends on work hours I guess!

I work 60 hours a week on shift now daughter is 8. I did work 40 hours on 3 rotating shifts from age 4-6. This included weekends, bank holidays, New Year's Eve etc & is just the nature of my profession. I was a single mum (in the sense of living alone with full responsibility of daughter) untill daughter was 6 so she was always with Nanny & Grandad or my best friend at my house occasionally, we had a nanny for a short while (couldn't afford to keep her sadly) & when my daughter was 3 my Dad practically kicked me and my then boyfriend out the country for a week to go on holiday while he took my daughter away for 4 days in Wales! :) last year we went away for 5 days (Monday - Friday term time) & she stayed at home with the Nanny who did the school run, took her to relevant after school clubs & did tea, daughter showers herself & gets herself into bed no problem. No issues!

8 year old thriving at school, super confident & now skips off to PGL (activity camp ran over summer & half terms for 3-7 nights) every school break

If parents want to help, offer to have children while you have a evening meal in a restaurant where the menus are covered in sticky mess or while you & other half have a night away, or help out with work, I don't see why anybody wouldn't take that opportunity now & again, at the end of the day you are still someone's Wife/Husband & it does good to have some time just to yourselfs :)

Also, I think it's lovely when your children have strong relationships with their grandparents, my daughters school work when she was young was always full of story's about what she had done with Grandad, I photocopied & framed them one year, he was made up :)