Tips to lower my sex drive?

[PorridgeIsYummy]

Hi,

I have a healthy sex drive but no real outlet for it. I manage well most days; however, it does go a little crazy when I'm mid cycle, which I know it's not unusual. It can get very distracting then and I would like to be able to focus on what's important, rather than fantasising about sex or feeling upset.

Does anything work? I want to emphasise my libido is perfectly normal and most definitely not a medical issue, so I'm not looking at medication. Just general tips. I've read sport can be good for this, but in my case it only makes me more aware of my body, which can have the opposite effect.

Thanks!

I wish I knew. My DH has complete erectile dysfunction and also has no desire factor at all, after a brain tumour removal 7 years ago. He likes a kiss and a cuddle but that's it. I still have a sex drive but he just isn't there with me at all. I don't want sex with anyone else , and I dearly love DH, but "doing it for myself" wears thin sometimes. I wish I knew how to turn my drive down a few notches , but I've never heard of anything that works.

From my view you have 3 choices

1. leave and find a man that wants sex with you, this wouldn't be hard.
2. stay and try to make a perfectly healthy thing less healthy, this would be almost impossible.
3. stay but seek external sexual pleasures. Affairs or open relationships or join the local swinging club, this would also be easy.

If you pick option 2 then you'll need to begin practicing extensive mental meditation. There are websites that can help if you Google 'Meditation for chastity' but they're mostly for religious reasons.

The thing is, do you really want this life for however long you have left to live it?
Enforced celibacy that you have not chosen will lead to resentment and hatred and eventually you'll likely despise your Husband for stealing your life away.

I know. Today I just want to cry.

Op you sound so sad wish there was an answer for you but I honestly don't think a sex drive can just be switched off. I also think a lot of the time the more we know we can't have something, the more we want it. This is something you really need to discuss with your husband. Again if you already have.

id dump him. Thats no way to live.

Either that or take a lover.

Its so sad that you actually would rather turn down the joy in your own life and slowly wait to die, rather than seeing that youre incompatible on a fundamental level

It's tricky, because I love him.

If you really can't bring yourself to leave, there are discreet, attractive men out there you can find for an FWB on the side. It doesn't have to be the horror show it's made out to be on MN.

Im sure you do love him, but sex and intimacy are some of the best things in life. Sometimes the more someone pulls away, the stronger the feeling of attachment - its an insecure attachment. It doesnt make it healthy

You love him so are willing to go to extreme lengths..
Does he love you enough to get sorted? Has he been to the GP?
He knows how you feel and loves you so very much that he's doing his absolute damnedest to get help and sort this major issue?
What did his GP and therapist say when he went?

He might not love me as much as he says, I suppose. I certainly struggle to comprehend that you might love someone but not want to have sex with them. But I know it happens.

I suspect he might love me as a relative rather than a partner (this is heart-breaking to say) and perhaps he's never articulated it in this way, so he might not recognise it to himself.

As for going to the GP, I honestly can't see how that's likely to improve things. He has no ED and I doubt he has low testosterone levels - I just think sex is not as big thing for him. And then we've been together for ages, have 3 kids and so on. Many couples still manage to maintain a healthy relationship in these circumstances, but many others (most?)don't.

I've accepted sex with him is unlikely to happen again, certainly not on a regular basis. I still feel young and attractive and it looks me that he doesn't look at me like a woman.

It kills me (not looks me!).

So you're willing to live like this for the next 5, 10, 20 years?

Whatever his issue is, it's not you're to fix. You've told him your feelings. He should be getting checked at the GPS for medical reasons his libido is low. Gp can also talk through things and see if there's a mental reason.
If he's checked out Nd doesn't love you how he should, why would you want to live like this? It's making you desperately unhappy and it's not fair on him either. If you're 'doing it for the kids' it'll make them have unrealistic and, quite frankly, very poor relationship role models for the future.

Either way, I hope you do something op. Life is too short to be living in an unhappy situation.

What about DH getting treated for his ED / low libido? (Sorry if you’Be already addressed this in the thread)

Mirena coil. Completely stopped mine, I went from having I guess a fairly high libido to nothing.

Had it taken out for other reason, but it was horrible

Man speaking but hope this helps

Sport exercise ......be busy doing things

Learn something new to take your mind off it and concentrate on something that.

That's what I do

I have this problem, and find that even though I'm supposedly in a relationship, I start fantasising about one night stands. It can be vey distracting, even happens when I'm driving, so not great. I also find that working out makes it worse, think it is to do with the temporary increase in testosterone. I don't have any answers sorry. I can control it up to a point, but it can be exhausting. It helps to not put myself in situations where opportunities for one night stands arise.

Hi, I've not been checking this thread for the last couple of days, sorry.

Thank you very much for all the advice. Rightknockeded, you're right about the fantasising thing. It's constant. This is why ideally, I prefer to lower my sex drive, because the thoughts of sex are very distracting and I want to focus on what I have (work, family, etc) rather than what I don't have (sex).

I try the other stuff like being busy, exercising - but then I remind myself I have this fit body and it kills me that many people notice but not my husband. I read, I cook, etc. I did have sex with others a small handful of times too: first time round it wasn't good. Second time round was absolutely exhilarating and it certainly stopped me from going crazy / getting divorced. I don't want to go down that route regularly though, because it heightens my libido and consumes my mental space. This is why lowering my sex drive would be the best possible option, but I appreciate it's not something I can turn off like a switch, as someone else said.

I know there is no perfect solution: I either divorce, get a sting of lovers or put up with it. At the moment, I'm trying my very best to put up with it with the very occasional slip when I can't bear it any longer. But ultimately it's my husband I want to sleep with - he's the most handsome man I've ever met.