New dad new to mumsnet,

[Numberista]

Hi all,

I just recently signed up to this, having become a dad for the first time in july 2018 to a fantastic baby boy (who my fiancee and i love to bits).

I am loving fatherhood but have found the pressure of work/parenting/drop in wages as a result of partner not working to be quite full on. It has led to a few arguments between myself and my fiancee, who is a great mum, as we are both slightly irritable.
I realise these won't go away (more chance of teaching a jellyfish to tapdance).

I suspect this is a normal phase but have recently felt a sense of overwhelmedness (is that even a word?!?!?!). As i type this however i am feeling a sense of relief for opening up.

I am not sure what i am looking for but i just wanted to ask the question as to how others cope etc.

I had spoke to the hr department at my work, they were fecking useless so am opening the floor here.

Best wishes to all posters and parents

Gary

Every parent struggles with those first few years. Honestly I think everyone just muddles through until the young ones start school. I'm sure others will be along with some good advice, but yep, totally normal to feel this way. It's important to remember that although you're the one bringing in the money, your fiance is contributing just as much by being at home with the baby. It will get easier!

Thing is Gary, this is what parenting is. No-one (other than the super rich) ever had a baby and found it easy. It's expensive. Your pay is down. You don't sleep. It is what it is. We have all been there. As time progresses, finances will improve and so will the amount of sleep etc.

I have some friends who have decided to have babies now. Mine are grown up, as I had them young. These friends moan about all the pressures and see me as having the life of Riley, and I feel like saying "I've been there and bought the T-shirt. I did all that when you were still clubbing". Grr.

Hi livinglavida,

Thanks for the post. Appreciate the point on money, my fiancee is making a huge contribution with looking after the wee boy and is a fantastic mum to him (i probably could emphasise it more though). Its probably partly me as a Scottish accountant being tight😂😂😂😂. We are loving it -but tiring and the wee boy has a bit of a colic, which is a pain in the arse!

It is full on. That's just how parenting is. The work doesn't get any less as children age, but it gets easier as you get used to it.

My top advice is to make sure you and your partner each get equal downtime. That doesn't mean going out - but if you have an evening out and your partner is breastfeeding and can't, or even doesn't want to go out, then she should get equal time in a different way. Even if it's going into the bedroom and closing the door and having no interruptions.

Thanks huskylover, i suspect you are right. Appreciate the sage advice (accoutancy pun intended).

Honestly Gary it gets easier, the colic stops, they sleep better and you start to feel more human again.
As they get more independent parents can work more, appreciate that it’s hard at the moment. Try to take each day as it comes, muddle through and enjoy it as much as you can. It’s a cliche to say they grow up fast but it’s true.

Hi beefarseer, thanks for the advice. Baby son is on the bottle, so we are sharing the load at night. Suspect that we are probably just experiencing the challenges everyone faces but have not particularly opened up myself until now.

You’re doing the best you can Gary. As is your fiancé. It gets better. Hold on tight to each other during this time. It’s very easy to lose sight of your relationship in the quest of new parenthood.

I know it is an old sterotype about scots being tight, but if you are an accountant as well that's a double whammy . I'm an accountant too

Regarding money, well when you have a child, you do have to change a lot of things in your life, some occur naturally, if you used to go out or eat out a lot, that reduces because you have a baby and can't go out.

You need to expect your life to change, but it is always the first few months that are the hardest. It gets easier in some ways as they get older.

You can't resent your partner for not working, because she is looking after the baby. The alternative to that is her going back to work and somebody else looking after the baby which would no doubt cost way more. It can be a natural feeling though.

Hi Gary,

I agree that things do get better- a lot easier. I can remember feeling like it never would in the early days and spent so much time trying to "fix" things like getting my baby to sleep through the night and stressing I was doing everything right that I'm not sure I enjoyed it and I regret that. It's easy for me to say but most things just get easier as baby grows, although each stage has it's challenges My partner and I manage to have a social life now and our own interests, it's really such a short time when they're in the baby phase. All the best to you and your family.

tiredness makes everything seem much worse. it helps to remember you both on the same team. it's tempting to get into point scoring but nobody wins.

Is your fiancee is going back to work?

You can't resent your partner for not working, because she is looking after the baby. The alternative to that is her going back to work and somebody else looking after the baby which would no doubt cost way more. It can be a natural feeling though

He's not resenting his wife though.

Appreciate the advice. Part of the money thing stems from my partner choosing (pre pregnancy) to move from a full time permanent nursing contract (which wouldve had better maternity pay) to a nursing bank position (which only pays statutory government rates). I have not brought it up with her, the ship sailed re this money wise so i am mindful that it is a conversation which benefits no one, but the 5k pay differential would've been a god send right now😂😂😂😂. Apologies for ranting off!

Thanks greatduck- agreed that i am not resenting and nor am i expecting her to work, when i see how much she does with baby son. Just using this forum for advice and support, which has boosted me already and made me feel better for the week ahead (last week was a car crash featuring norovirus, broken internet for 2 and a half days, a toilet that wouldnt flush and managed to tear the elbow on a work shirt for good measure😂😂😂😂

The bank position will be much more flexible when she is ready to return to work though - nursing friends of mine found it a nightmare to go back to work full-time with inflexible shift patterns etc. Trying to find childcare that would chop and change hours to fit in with shift work proved almost impossible.

It is a compromise, and her career may suffer in the long run, but at the moment she is doing the most important job in the world

Remember we're all just winging it and hoping we don't fuck it up too badly. There is no perfect way to raise a child and all of the established methods produce virtually the same end result of one functioning adult human so go with what feels right and don't let anyone make you feel bad for your choices.

Try to avoid ccomparisons. It might look like Mrs Over-There has got her shit together with her baby that sleeps all night and her swishy hair that never smells vaguely of baby sick and her husband who brings flowers home every Friday but I can guarantee she will have worries and anxieties too. Comparison is the thief of joy.

The tiredness will pass. I'm not sure when as I've had one DC who slept an eight hour stretch at night from birth, one who didn't sleep the whole night until the age of three, and two who fell somewhere in the middle of the two extremes but it will pass eventually. In the meantime, sleep when you can and make sure she sleeps when she can. At some point, if you haven't already, you will have the 3am "go fuck yourself .... No, you go fuck your self" argument hissed through gritted teeth, usually while changing bedsheets soaked with baby vomit. Apologise and move past it, never get into a game of competitive tiredness, and try to remember that tiredness makes people behave in strange ways.

Tiredness helps you forget. If it didn't then most would never have a second child.
Raising a child is about love and security, it is not a competition.
Parents around the world who have no possessions are just as good as parents with piles of money and 'trinkets'.
VERY light hearted, colic is not a pain in the arse, you have it misdiagnosed!
The best wishes to you all.

What were you expecting the hr department to do?

Remember Gary, the finances is a temporary problem. As the baby grows and starts nursery and then school, things will change.
You will always be financially worse off now than pre children but the pressure eases.
It can be quite a shock at first but try not to waste the first years of your boys life worrying and focusing on the down sides.
And also don’t worry that you are feeling overwhelmed it’s perfectly normal and very overwhelming to be anew parent.
Congratulations and in moderation of course

Congratulations on your baby, Gary. I remember those early days being such hard work. I think it hit my DP like a ton of bricks. Of course he loved our DS to bits but he hadn't fully grasped how much life would change (who does?) and I think he probably had a touch of male-variant PND, with hindsight. And money worries make things seem worse too. In the long run your partner switching to bank nursing could be a great thing as she will be able to pick shifts at weekends, for example, when you can look after your DS, thereby reducing childcare costs, or she can avoid school holidays so you don't have to pay for childcare then. It probably just feels a bit scary now. As an accountant I'm sure you will have checked what you're entitled to in terms of tax credits. Babies don't have to cost much if you're happy to use hand-me-downs and cheap entertainment. You will get your life back when your DS is older, trust me! In a totally non-patronising way, it's good you've found somewhere to express how you're feeling, as I think many men don't, even though all new dads probably feel like this to some degree. Women often team up with other new mums and share all the new-baby woes - and joys - (honestly couldn't tell you how many tears I shed and witnessed among my new mum friends) but it's maybe harder for Dads. Have you got any friends who are new parents?

"What were you expecting the hr department to do?"

HR can signpost where support can be found, they may have an employee assistance line that op might not know about, or even just offer a bit of empathy. Despite what people think a lot of HR depts aren't unhelpful twats :)

Gary it does get better as other posters have said and somehow you do just learn how to manage on a reduced income. I found the Dr Brown bottles and colief a godsend with colic too, not a total cure but they certainly helped.

Welcome and congratulations. It gets easier, and this stage is pretty short. Can't add much to the excellent advice already given, except this: if you're going to play Spiderbaby, dust the ceiling first

Try to think of yourselves as a team. You are jointly raising a child, you are jointly running a house which involves all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc and you are jointly earning income.

It's all part of the same pot, try not to separate in your mind because if she wasn't looking after your child, you would not be able to work, or at least you would spend a large portion of your wages on childcare.

Work together and you will have fun raising your child.

Hi Gary

The early days sure are tough. My little one is now 9 months and I can tell you it just gets better and better!!! She has colic and I look back on those days with true angst. The sleep deprivation is a killer!! Around 4 months it got easier and then from 6 months we were flying!! I think money wise I’m in the same boat as you. Just on stat mat pay. I guess it’s just about budgeting and finding the free/cheap things to do with your little boy.
Also ... open up to your partner and maybe even consider some talking therapy if you can’t shift feeling overwhelmed. But be rest assured ... it really does get easier and even just getting more back from the child makes it so much better. Good luck and any questions please shout!

And they really don't need much in the way of stuff at this age. Shops and adverts will make you think they need fifty different outfits, a humming teddy bear, premium brand nappies, and a super fancy rocking chair that plays music and vibrates but really you don't need loads of stuff.