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Original poster

So Angry With DS

35 replies

Shopkinsarefab · 09/09/2018 10:13

I have calmed down slightly this morning but omg what is he doing??
Back story, DS, 21 had a girlfriend for 3 years from age 17,
She was nice enough, sweet and chatty and seemed to make him happy. She is 2 years younger.
In the last 18 months of their relationship she dumped him 3 times, and took him back. Except for the final time when she dumped him 2 days after his grandad died.
DS was devastated, I spent many a night sat on his bed comforting him as he cried for her! It took him months to start going out again and eventually he had a good social life with lots of mates etc. All good.
Now to last night, He went out to an old mates party and I find out at 2am this morning that the ex girlfriend is in his bed with him! (DH saw them come home)
I'm so angry with him! DH thinks I need to let him get on with it, but DH didn't sit and listen to him weeping for nights on endAngry I don't want him hurt all over again.
He crept out with her this morning I assume to take her home.
What do I say to him??? I'm not sure I can control my angerBlush

OP posts:
TheFuckingAllanKey · 09/09/2018 10:20

He’s old enough to do this himself OP. Take yourself out and calm down because otherwise you could damage your relationship with him.

Spartasprout · 09/09/2018 10:24

Grit your teeth and keep out of it. Star crossed lovers are together much longer than if you keep your counsel to yourself. I understand your rage though.

AamdC · 09/09/2018 10:26

Im not sure theres anything you can say, i can understand how you feel.but hes an adult and its his life , maybe its just a one off thing ?

KnotsInMay · 09/09/2018 10:27

You can’t control your anger for 20 minutes but you expect him to have total control over his emotions for someone?

Just as a way of thinking about this....

pictish · 09/09/2018 10:28

I can understand your frustration on this one but ultimately you have played your role and done your best...you have counselled and advised and offered your opinion through experience...there’s nothing more you can do beyond that. if he has chosen to put himself in the firing line for heartache again, despite knowing better, then that’s on him.
I know it’s hard but you’ll have to detach and let him get on with it. If he can’t learn through good advice he’ll have to learn by experience.

Singlenotsingle · 09/09/2018 10:29

You can't say anything. It's his life. He's a grownup and we learn by our mistakes.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 09/09/2018 10:31

You risk alienating him the more times you stick your oar in. As hard as it is to let your child make the mistakes he's making, he's an adult and is no longer under your jurisdiction.

It must be incredibly tough seeing him take her back knowing she's hurt him. I can't imagine I'd feel kindly towards anyone who broke my child's heart. But it also has to be a lesson he needs to learn the hard way, by the sounds of it.

Silentnighttwo · 09/09/2018 10:32

Take a step back. It’s his life, let him live it and make his own mistakes.

Your frustration is completely understandable, but all you can do is be there for him if (when?) it goes wrong again.

Original poster
Shopkinsarefab · 09/09/2018 10:38

Thanks all, you are of course all right.
It's so bloody hard tho!!
He's not back yet, me thinks he's keeping a low profile.
If he is back with her would it be bad of me to say I don't want her staying the night? She used to stay over 2 or 3 times a week but I'm not comfortable with it.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/09/2018 10:59

Err yeah...you’ll just make him stubborn if you refuse. He’ll get all ‘I make my own decisions’ about it and be more resolved to do what he wants despite your stand point.

Better to have it close at hand so you can keep an eye really. If you say she’s not to stay they’ll go elsewhere.

differenteverytime · 09/09/2018 11:12

I can entirely empathise, having recently gone through something different but in a similar context with 19 yr old dd. I also completely agree that standing back and letting them get on with it is the only thing you can do, to avoid damaging your relationship.

It's a fucking hard aspect of being the parent of an adult. Like you, I was needed for hours of emotional support, often at all times of the night, tearful messages at 3am (she's away at uni), whilst I was at work, etc. I was desperately worried. The trouble is that when anyone involves you to that extent in an emotionally-charged situation, then - being human - we become invested in it, and form opinions about it, and then even when we haven't been asked for advice, we feel we're letting the person down by not giving those opinions. Multiply that by a hundred when the person involved is our "child".

Trouble is that by this stage in their lives they don't see it that way. What they see is interfering, nose-poking, even controlling behaviour and it just ends up entrenching them in their views. I learned a hard lesson. My dd wants me to listen without advising. My role is to just sort of absorb it, keep my mouth shut and keep my worries to myself (also an amount of resentment at being an emotional sponge, and feeling like she'd be better talking to a dog, or a brick wall, or anything else that doesn't then lie awake worrying half the night.

That's a roundabout way of saying that I understand how it feels but you have to let them make their own mistakes. My advice is to find something extremely distracting to occupy yourself.

Original poster
Shopkinsarefab · 09/09/2018 11:16

pictish you speak wise words!
I'm calm now, he's still out and I will chat sensibly when he comes home.
DH knows her parents quite well and her dad refused to speak to her for days after she dumped DS after his grandad died. He told DH he was so ashamed of her behaviour😒
I just don't want him involved with her again, but that's not my choice!

OP posts:
MrsSnootyPants2018 · 09/09/2018 11:17

You don't say anything. He's 21 and capable of making his own choices.

Original poster
Shopkinsarefab · 09/09/2018 11:21

thanks differenteverytime it's tough isn't it? and I thought the toddler years were hardGrin
I'm going to cook a lovely roast dinner to distract myself.

OP posts:
PollyFlinderz · 09/09/2018 11:22

OP, I feel your pain but this is one of those situations where you're just going to have to stand back and wait for the fallout. Please don't put your son in a position where he'd be too embarrassed to say to you its happened again and I feel terrible.

FupaGlory · 09/09/2018 11:24

Stay out of it. You comforted him before as his parent but don't hold him ransom for it!

Stormwhale · 09/09/2018 11:24

If she has a decent family behind her, then the chances are she will turn out a decent human being. All young people make mistakes, it's how they learn. I would be far more concerned if her family thought it was an appropriate way to behave. I know she hurt your boy, but that was his hurt, not yours, even if it felt like yours too. He is the only one who should make this decision.

Stormwhale · 09/09/2018 11:28

Oh and just to say, my dh hurt me badly a few years ago whilst struggling with his mental health. My parents were there for me 100% as I grieved over our relationship ending and our daughter losing her father as he wasn't fit to parent at the time. However when he had sorted himself out, and was committed to making our family work, my parents welcomed him back into the fold because it was what I wanted. If they hadn't, I think they knew they could lose the closeness we have as I adore dh. We are now married, very happy and ttc number 2, with the support of my family.

differenteverytime · 09/09/2018 11:44

Agree wholeheartedly with PollyFlinderz. As a result of my sticking my oar in with dd, she now says she no longer feels able to talk to me about relationship issues. Fortunately she has other friends that she can talk to about those things but in that context I have let her down.

PollyFlinderz · 09/09/2018 11:49

Fortunately she has other friends that she can talk to about those things but in that context I have let her down

I only kind of understood how to handle a similar situation with one of my sons because I had his siblings who were helping me to get it right. Truth be told left to my own devices I'd have gotten it wrong to quite an extent. But that said I dont think we can punish ourselves for getting something 'wrong' when we could equally have got it right by doing the same thing. We do what we felt was right at the time.

Do I think you've let your girl down? No, I dont, and one day she'll tell you that herself.

differenteverytime · 09/09/2018 12:06

Thanks, Polly.

KnotsInMay · 09/09/2018 12:27

I think rather than banning her, which will send him closer to her, talk to him about positive choices and being assertive.

Be encouraging if his own potential, achievements and strengths. Give him confidence in himself.

Does he have low self esteem, in that he has repeatedly gone back to someone who behaves so insensitively? Is she emotionally needy and hooks him in / guilt trips him?

Original poster
Shopkinsarefab · 09/09/2018 12:57

You all speak such wise words, and I would probably be giving the same advice if asked.
knotsinmay he doesn't have low self esteem, he now has a great social life too.
She was his first real love and I think he kept going back to her simply because he loved her.
He was so miserable after the 3rd time, moping around the house grunting, but this was also the time when he lost his beloved grandad so he was doubly sad.It was a horrible few months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shopkinsarefab · 09/09/2018 13:00

I havnt told my older DC as they wouldn't be impressed. They spent ages trying to coax him round last time as they hated seeing their little bro so upset

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 09/09/2018 13:27

That’s a bit .... shit-stirring isn’t it ? Staying out of it includes not updating your other children about their sibling’s sex life.

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