Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I think i’ve revealed an affair to a close friend of the couple

73 replies

Tigertill716 · 08/09/2018 09:42

So slightly complicated however there is an affair where the married couple work at the same place as the OW. Also the married couple friend works here. Work night out, because he knows I know the OW he mentions drunkly that the wife once discovered text messages. I was drunk too and I know I have said I cannot believe the husband is still messaging and lying to his wife, this is where I have messed up as they all thought it was over.

I’m possibly suffering from anxiety from hangover but now I feel completely rubbish as why did I make that comment. My colleague has called me to apologise for asking me about it but to check I was heard correctly. I feel terrible and I’m normal circumstances I would not comment or ‘get involved’ it’s not my business. Should I admit to OW i’ve made the comment or just leave it.

Also I know she’s he OW so I appreciate nobodies going to be her fan and believe me I have had very strong words worth her but I do know the husband has a secret phone and messages her, it’s a habit they need to break.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tigertill716 · 08/09/2018 11:50

Anyway i’m just going to stay quiet on this. I’ll get over the fact I had that discussion whilst drinking and bear in mind for the future.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tigertill716 · 08/09/2018 11:52

IHaventACluedo Thanks for the advice. I’m not sure I could do hat as might be resp Neville for how this impacts their careers. They are all in semi senior positions. I suppose i’ve Used this thread of a way to get it off my chest. Very rarely does it spill out so it might be naive but I am hoping I can avoid anymore discussion in work or at work events

OP posts:

Santaclarita · 08/09/2018 11:56

Leave it on her car then so she gets it at the end of the day. It sucks but she deserves to know and you're being cruel knowing and keeping it from her. Everyone is.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

IHaventACluedo · 08/09/2018 12:04

It's not Tiger's responsibility to tell the wife about the affair and she has nothing to feel guilty about nor is complicit in any of this. It is up to her family and friends to tell the wife. Why should OP get herself in shit because of some workmates with no class?

From now on tell anyone who wants to discuss it that you want nothing to do with any of it and don't appreciate being dragged into it.

OliveBranchManager · 08/09/2018 12:13

Blimey, if that cat is out of the bag, it aint your fault. That cat was brazen.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 08/09/2018 12:18

Anyone who knows and doesn’t tell the person who is being cheated on is complicit and everyone of those people adds that bit more pain when she finds out. And she will. I can see why you don’t want to be the one to tell her, because you are scared about your job/reputation. However, I hope that you wouldn’t expect anyone else to do the right thing by you if they had this much control over a situation in your life...

timeisnotaline · 08/09/2018 12:24

He brought it up when you had all been drinking. Zero fault to you for responding. I wouldn’t feel in the slightest bad. But I wouldn’t respect your colleague or ow one bit.

Original poster

Tigertill716 · 08/09/2018 12:25

AnnieAnoniMoose To be honest I don’t think I could or would expect anyone in my position roles reversed to tell me. Closer friends yes. It’s hard to say what you would do when you are not in a position yourself. And if the situation came about she finds out, knows I knew and would be open to discuss it with her and I would explain myself and apologise of course.

OP posts:

Saggital · 08/09/2018 13:04

You all have very dirty hands.

Just go to the CEO and tell them two of the staff are married but the husband is shagging a co-worker while other co-workers are complicit in the affair and you are concerned about the collapse of team collaboration and long term productivity because at some point the wife will find out. Let the CEO handle it, that's what they do.

Saggital · 08/09/2018 13:05

ps, you do not have to use the words 'shagging around' if you do not want to. 'Sleeping around' is fine. They will understand.

AlmaGeddon · 08/09/2018 13:17

If I was the wife I would feel betrayed as well as humiliated when I found out.
Put yourself in the wife's shoes.
Not sure I'd stay friends with the OW.

JustJoinedRightNow · 08/09/2018 13:19

Well said Annie

Original poster

Tigertill716 · 08/09/2018 13:40

Saggital We’re not all under one department/office and I don’t think work should be dragged into it really. I think it was a one off the other evening and not just a gossip session more two people who know what’s happened acknowledging it.

I want to say again I do feel bad for the wife and now maybe because I have said to her actual friend it’s ongoing they might repeat, who knows. I just don’t want to be involved and although I know a few of you will disagree i’m going to stay quiet and refuse to discuss further if asked. Thanks for your comments.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 08/09/2018 13:53

I don’t agree with the posters saying you have to do something about this. You are only responsible for your own actions and behaviour, not hers. You didn’t ask her to tell tou all about the affair, that she did anyway doesn’t suddenly mean it has to be your business. I wouldn’t feel bad about mentioning it as if they didn’t want to chance anyone saying anything, then they shouldn’t have told anyone. Again, that is their behaviour and their responsibilty, not yours. If you want to tell his wife then do, if you don’t, don’t. You decide what is the right behaviour for you in this situation.

IWishIHadEvenMorePlasticTat · 08/09/2018 13:56

Meh. They’re having an affair and people know about it. Of course they’re going to be judged. If they get hoist by their own petards, tough shit.

What are you actually worried about OP? That you confirmed to the couple’s friend that the affair was still going on? So what? Their fault for having an affair.

bringbacksideburns · 08/09/2018 14:11

I'd tell your friend that you can't continue the friendship unless she makes a decision either way.
Tell her you feel compromised at work and people who know the couple are now gossiping about it. Its putting you in an uncomfortable position
Tell her you are sick of it and it's not fair to his poor wife and tell her to stop being so selfish.
Either she ends it or they tell the wife. ( But doubt he'll want that.)

How long has it been going on?
It amazes me how many people are complicit in covering up an affair when the people behave like arseholes and on the one occasion when I knew this was going on I was the only person in an entire group of friends who told them they were out of order.

Original poster

Tigertill716 · 08/09/2018 14:17

bringbacksideburns I have said it’s out of order to her. I haven’t spoken to him as I don’t have a relationship or see him.

OP posts:

EnidButton · 08/09/2018 14:33

It's not your secret to keep. If it comes up, you were drunk, you don't remember, you don't want to discuss it any further. End of conversation.

Then I would seriously consider having nothing at all to do with the OW ever again. Surely you can't like someone that does something like that? She's not a good person. Also you say your job is more important, then keep the hell away from her. It will come out in the end and you don't want to be involved when it does.

I think you and anyone else who knows aren't coming across as great btw. It'll make it extra horrible for the wife when she realises her colleagues knew. I don't know what to do about that though so it's damage limitation to yourself at this point. As selfish and nasty as that sounds.

EnidButton · 08/09/2018 14:35

And yes you probably have hangover anxiety so put this to one side until Monday. You won't be at your best to make rational choices today.

user1457017537 · 08/09/2018 14:52

I just came to say that it would be a kindness to the wife if you could anonymously leave her a note telling her of the affair. I think it is despicable when it is common knowledge to everyone but the OH and as the woman works there she is being betrayed by everyone who knows

TonTonMacoute · 08/09/2018 15:27

You aren’t really gossiping because you and the friend both knew about the affair. You have done nothing wrong, and I think you need to forget the whole thing.

The poor wife is going to get hurt and there’s not a thing you can do about it. There are only two guilty parties here.

gutrotweins · 08/09/2018 16:54

Sounds like your friend feels just as bad for dropping you in it, otherwise he wouldn't have phoned. It'll blow over.

Don't know why PP see OW (or even cheating husband) as evil. People and relationships are complex, and things can snowball out of control.

serbska · 08/09/2018 17:58

Meh, that’s their look out.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread