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Original poster

I think i’ve revealed an affair to a close friend of the couple

73 replies

Tigertill716 · 08/09/2018 09:42

So slightly complicated however there is an affair where the married couple work at the same place as the OW. Also the married couple friend works here. Work night out, because he knows I know the OW he mentions drunkly that the wife once discovered text messages. I was drunk too and I know I have said I cannot believe the husband is still messaging and lying to his wife, this is where I have messed up as they all thought it was over.

I’m possibly suffering from anxiety from hangover but now I feel completely rubbish as why did I make that comment. My colleague has called me to apologise for asking me about it but to check I was heard correctly. I feel terrible and I’m normal circumstances I would not comment or ‘get involved’ it’s not my business. Should I admit to OW i’ve made the comment or just leave it.

Also I know she’s he OW so I appreciate nobodies going to be her fan and believe me I have had very strong words worth her but I do know the husband has a secret phone and messages her, it’s a habit they need to break.

OP posts:
JustJoinedRightNow · 08/09/2018 11:05

But you are involved because you know. Every person that knows and stands by and does nothing is involved. You said yourself you feel sorry for her. An anonymous note wouldn’t go astray here to let her know what a wanker she’s living with.

CarolDanvers · 08/09/2018 11:09

Every person that knows and stands by and does nothing is involved.

Nonsense.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2018 11:12

Op...you said you "had a go" at the OW. Did you do the same to the cheating bloke ?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Original poster
Tigertill716 · 08/09/2018 11:13

AnyFucker- I haven’t spoken
to the bloke I don’t have a relationship with him

OP posts:
Original poster
Tigertill716 · 08/09/2018 11:14

AnyFucker I’m hardly going to approach him in office hours and find a moment to discuss his personal life and I don’t come across him as he is in another department

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2018 11:17

So many people protecting this guy. Horrible.

Bloobs · 08/09/2018 11:18

AF, OP did not say what you're quoting, as far as I can see, she said she had strong words.

Are you saying if you have a friend who is an OW you're not allowed to tell her it's a bad idea and not to play with fire? because you should be seeking out the man and bollocking him instead? Fuck that, she's not the affair police, she was discussing her friend's situation with her.

Echobelly · 08/09/2018 11:19

The man was taking the risk and doing the lying - you don't have a responsibility to cover for him, so why worry that you've said something? It's the chance everyone who has an affair takes, and it's not your problem.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2018 11:21

I am saying in situations like this the cheating bloke often gets the easy ride and the OW more vitriol.

But most of all...the cheatee gets pissed on from a great height by everyone

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 08/09/2018 11:24

AnyFucker

So many people protecting this guy. Horrible.

So what would you do??

OP posts:
Original poster
Tigertill716 · 08/09/2018 11:25

Bloobs- thank you and exactly the situation

OP posts:
Bloobs · 08/09/2018 11:27

Yes, it absolutely sucks when you get cheated on and you're the last person to know - that's happened to me. However I didn't blame each individual person who didn't tell me, because it's not actually their responsibility, and it's a hard things to do and not always welcome. One person did say she agonised about it and was going to tell me then didn't because she hoped he would and she wouldn't have to get sucked in. She apologised to me - but I understood.

If the cheater is no1 culprit, in my view OW is no 2 culprit, not bystanders.

brokenharbour · 08/09/2018 11:32

Do you are friends with the OW, is that how you know it's still going on? Or is it more common knowledge?

And the person you were speaking to works with you too and is friends with both the husband and wife and he didn't know?

It will probably stop there. I doubt the person you are speaking to will go and tell the wife or want to get involved. I know when it's work related it's stressful but this stuff happens and really it's not your responsibility to keep any of their secrets, especially if it's not actually a secret in the first place as seems to be the case here.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/09/2018 11:34

I don't see why it's the OP's responsibility to tell the wife.
IF it's anyone's (apart from the cheating husband), it's the close friend, the colleague who the OP mistakenly gossiped with while drunk.
He now knows it's still going on, he's supposed to be friends with them both, HE should be the one to talk to either the husband or the wife to try and get it sorted, preferably by the husband stopping fucking about and telling his wife the truth, so she has a chance to get away from him and find someone decent instead.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 08/09/2018 11:35

Hi, yes I am friends with OW.

And yes the guy is friends with the married couple. He brought it up and asked me and he called the next day to apologise for putting me on the spot.

I just feel crap as it’s work related but i’m Going to ensure I don’t comment on it again. Not my place. From my knowledge no it’s not common knowledge across the office that people know.

OP posts:
Despacitoincognito · 08/09/2018 11:35

Why shouldn't you all talk openly about it? Why should you hush up his filthy little secret?

Yoksha · 08/09/2018 11:38

Bloobs. Spot on. Good posts by the way.

What a despicable web of deceit here. OP, I'd have reacted in exactly the same way. How often do we have the figurative " rug " pulled from under us? My mind doesn't work in a deceitful way, so there's no red flags immediately. I tend to spend the time on tenterhooks if it's been a case of "once bitten" around these types. I've limited my time around such types because they affect my mental wellbeing.

brokenharbour · 08/09/2018 11:39

Ah ok. So if it gets out the other woman is going to know it came from you. Meh- she shouldn't have told anyone if she didn't want it to get out, especially not someone who works at the same place as everyone else. Just keep your head down in the next week or two and it will blow over, I'm sure.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 08/09/2018 11:39

Despacitoincognito I can only speak for myself but to be honest I don’t want to be the one who’s involved and let’s the wife know. Ideally the husband would have an honest conversation with her but clearly that’s not happening. It’s heir marriage and i’m not going to be the one that tells tales and also I don’t want to be the one that hurts several peaple.

I also would not be talking about this things usually and certainly not in working hours.

OP posts:
brokenharbour · 08/09/2018 11:43

The way I see it is that if it's was a big secret you shouldn't have known anyway - I had a similar thing where I heard some gossip about fourth hand and told best friend who happened to have had a friend that it affected - I copped some flack but my take on it was that I shouldn't have known about it in the first place if it was secret that had been blabbed to three other people before it made it down the chain to me! I had no idea it wasn't common knowledge or why did I know about it.

Santaclarita · 08/09/2018 11:45

Anyfucker is making it obvious op. Tell the wife. Even if it's leaving an anonymous note on her desk or something. But something to tell her.

Loopytiles · 08/09/2018 11:47

Not your fault, but gossiping and - through silence (except for gossip) complicity in hiding the affair from the cheated on party is unkind.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 08/09/2018 11:47

Yoksha Your right and thank you for your words. Tbh it does feels like a burden to know this and one day I expect to witness some of the fall out.

In terms of friendship with OW this is a topic we barely discuss anymore, she did tell me whilst out he had been messaging her again whilst he was on a family holiday and I have responded with my thoughts on that but I would rather not hear it all. I know she’s the OW but she was in an abusive relationship and was a close colleague to the husband and she got too close obviously. I’m not excusing her but I can see how this has happened as he helped her one day when she was having a panic attack at work in a corridor and they started speaking after that and then now look where they are. So I have tried to be a friend because she’s had a hard time from her previous relationship and she’s out of the abusive relationship now but when asked i’m clear of my opinion and I cannot see any good coming out from this for anyone. I encouraged her to go the counselling to help her through the relationship breakdown which she’s attending and I do hope that the professional advice will help her see this connection with him is another toxic relationship she needs to walk away from.

OP posts:
IHaventACluedo · 08/09/2018 11:48

I would actually go into work and tell them or your boss that you are not happy about the way things are. That is, that personal relationships between members of staff are spilling over into the office and causing a lot of discomfort. I would tell them that you want nothing to do with it and want no indirect part of being in a web of lies that will ultimately hurt and wreck a family. Seriously, I would do this. You do to work to earn money. Its not freaking Eastenders.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 08/09/2018 11:49

SantaclaritaI/Loopytiles I would not leave a note on her desk imagine her reading that whilst at work. However I get your point but it just doesn’t sit right with me i’m Not sure I could be he one that instigates that. I would of thought before this situation I might be kinder and tell someone but I just don’t feel I can.

OP posts: