Midlife monotany

[Gohackyourself]

I’m not really sure if chat is the best topic for this , but it fits under lots of topics I guess.it may be a bit of a ramble so please bear with me?

Just musing thoughts in my head about why I feel unhappy- yet am in a better place now than I’ve ever been. Trying to work out what I need but feeling so overwhelmed by this I can’t see the woods for the trees.
Without going into the minutae of my life story so far, let’s just say turbulent, I’m now in a more settled place... but... I feel I’ve spent so long fighting the fire( young kids, divorce, lone parenting, moving homes, meeting new partner, ageing unhappy parents ) that I’ve kinda lost what makes me happy.
I’m 43 ( feel 53!) so still young, yet mentally drained.
I feel like going mad An spend most days in a low level anxiety state. Also it doesn’t take a lot for me to be tipped over the edge an be snappy with my dp with regard to what’s going on around me .
I also feel trapped, in my job ( can’t progress at present due to childcare needs) feel trapped at home ( have a dp of 2 1/2 years but I don’t expect him to help full on with my child) he also does shift work. So I’m trapped in I have to be at home, but after ds gets home from school An we complete clubs/homework etc he’s old enough now to play on computer for An hr or two before bed, yet I’m too tired at that point from f/t day job, the race to get home an evening routine , to even contemplate doing something for myself , yet know I need to! But wonder, this can’t just be me feeling like this , surely?!
I have only one or two close friends an due to shift work /distance can’t see very often so no weekly outlet.

If you were me but changed , how did you change it? What did you do to change?
If your me atm , do you feel the same? Are you itching to change but don’t know where to start ?
Thank you for reading if got this far!

I need to take my own advice here, but it sounds like you need to carve up some time to exercise - could you walk dogs twice a day, go for a run or cycle, go for a swim? Wbat about joining a local Parkrun. Get those endorphins going!

sorry should of added
There are some basics I’d like to achieve
Eat better an loose weight, but again feel restricted as ds is not an adventurous eater so would have to cook 2 different meals a night.
Stop relying on phone as entertainment inc MN , Facebook etc I’m an avid reader but by the time evening comes my mind and eyes too tired to read!

Just be happy with DP without endless minor arguments over his dd, my family goings on, just enjoy his company rather than see/hear his endless suggestions about “ just ignore them/it” - him trying to be helpful An laid back over things actually annoys me as it feels he’s against me!!

Well, it's a long time ago, but I dumped the unsatisfactory Man, started doing a degree course and eventually had to sell my house as well (to afford to complete the course). It was hard, but I ended up with a good job, a bigger house (upsized again!) and self respect. It was hard though, but the best thing I ever did.

When my first was born I decided I needed something for myself. I started playing an instrument. 45 minute lesson a week, my tutor understands that I cannot always fit practice in because of the busy lifestyle of work, kids etc but I found it helped get that break away from the “everyday”
I’m not suggesting you do this but perhaps a group or something that takes you away from home, something you want to achieve to bring back a little self worth and also, away from work/work friends.

Jemima- I walk the dogs an I love them but they just feel another chore!
Oh my I sound so negative on everything don’t i! I’d love to just pop a pill every day that makes me happier!
I have had bouts of depression at periods in my life but after a week or two I pick myself up an carry on

Are you someone who might enjoy crafts as knitting, crochet etc are proven to improve mood and can also be picked up for short periods each day even whilst watching tv. Loads if you tubes and blogs to learn from.

Rain in summer - unfortunately not, I can’t even sew a button.i learnt to knit a year ago with ds when he watched YouTube vids but that was short lived!

It’s not really suggestions I’m looking for , it’s more the feelings, if anyone finds themselves like this- “ the sandwich generation” looking after young, worrying about the old, feeling trapped.
Is it me, my situation, my age ?!?!

Voluntary work and helping others can be helpful for anxiety. I think finding something that needs concentration is good too. It helps switch off from being 'you' iyswim puzzles, learning a language etc

I could have written your post..In fact..for a weird out of body style moment I thought I might have! Then I realised I don't have a dog. I think if you have spent a long time firefighting it's hard to know how to cope with "content".
I like the learning an instrument idea.

I think it’s very common at your (and nearly my) stage of life to be experiencing these feelings of being trapped, losing bits of oneself, exhaustion etc. You’re not alone! There are legions of (mostly women) feeling like this.

I think these feelings can be for the good in that they can give you a kick up the arse to change unsatisfactory aspects of your life, but it is a process to get to that point-and it’s so hard when you are constrained by all the things that demand your time/energy/attention.

What leaps out at me is your feelings of constant low level anxiety. Do you have any time to yourself, or any that you can carve out?

If you have had pressure and stress for a long time it takes a good while for your body and mind to accept the battle is over. So little things trigger anxiety. I had a lot of similiar pressure to you with an ill dh plus sick dm plus teens plus plus. Things are calmer now. Teens in 20s and lovely.
What helped me was self care. Relaxing with a book/ bath. Talking to myself internally in a soothing voice so my body could wind down( wierd l know!) .
Online mindfulness would help.
Try to accept each stage as the more content you feel the less fighting against it occurs.
Finally l did have counselling which really helped.

Thank you. Just reading some of that makes me cry.
I realise I’m actually sad too, depressed slightly even. I’m at a point where I can make changes but there’s so many I need to make for the greater good I don’t know where to start!!
Without giving too much - I’ve been under constant stress since I was 7 due to parental issue. So I’m tired out!

Similar feelings here tbh.

46, dependent child still, really tough last 5 years have left me permanently anxious and struggling to get back into an even keel. My parents are still in good health but I know at some point soon that will come into me and I'm very conscious of enjoying them as they are now if that makes sense. Around school childcare is still a concern too which stops me working more hours.

I see a counsellor which does help though as I had a very difficult time as a teen and into my 20s, dealing with all the fallout from that on top of everything else from the last 5 yrs is hard.

I know I'm better when I get out with friends or get time alone. Walking and exercise also really helps but motivation is often lacking at the mo and I need to just do it.

A few of you have mentioned counselling- is this something your paying for as an individual ? I do believe I could do with counselling but on NHS it’s virtually non existent.
I could try the work counselling service but it seems to only be offered quickly if after a trauma /incident ( daily occurrence in my line of work ) so not sure what the wait times would be.
I do feel I need to speak to someone impartial , family mean well but are too close to the source to sometimes help, and if you don’t take their advice or act their way you feel a failure !

Odiepants, I also get what you mean about waiting for the next thing with the parents.
Mine are in virtually good health ( minor aches/pains) but will not believe it. Also my dads mental health is getting worse from when I was 7, he has everything he needs and wants and desires and yet is still hugely narcisstic/domineering/ attention seeking and I just can’t handle it anymore- I don’t want to hear it and yet he can’t see that

I pay for the counselling which is a big financial commitment but I can see that it has made a difference already and will help me.going forward.

I have the opposite in that my parents are determined that they will go on forever but I can see the difference when I visit now which is worrying. Only my youngest brother loves near them and he's pretty useless when it comes to.looking after anyone but himself unfortunately.

I would suggest therapy if you can find time for it as an unrestricted time each week to talk about and work on you. Especially as you've spent so long trying to keep things together

You're building up to The Change - and change is hard even if good stuff lies on the other side. So much is behind us by mid 40s - doors have closed, choices made, the "big adventures" of love and DC had.

And chemically you're operating on changing hormones.

I felt a really unexpected mix of profound satisfaction and strength coming from the things I had, at your age, and panic, boredom and unhappiness at the same time.

This too will pass. It's bloody tough tho while you're in it.

I feel you op.. I had dreadful issues with elderly dp and although I miss them every single day, talk about them all the time I feel huge relief I don't have that immense worry and fear about them. Dreading every phone call etc etc.

I'm starting anew job and I want to save to start more adventure long haul holidays... I think its crucial to have things to look forward too.

Do not get a dog, they do add a level of stress that it sounds like you could do less of!

Counselling helps, especially getting rid of the 'i must' or 'i should' narrative in your head.

Gently unplugging and getting used to your own company, especially if you're feeling numb and you genuinely dont know what makes you happy.

If you google 5 ways to well being, that could give you a starting point.

Buckingfrolics, I do “ worry “ it’s the start of a hormonal thing , in turn making me like this but I’m on the minipill so I guess I wouldn’t know the true signs would I?
Timeforabiscuit- I’ve already got a dog, 3 to be precise! Had 2 but the dp came with one too! I enjoy walking them when out but it’s the thought of it as a chore at first!
More than this- I feel exactly the same , I want some holidays without kids now, discovering cities An places other than all inclusive water park/pool holidays keeping kids happy.But that makes me feel selfish as kids enjoy holidays too! But the funds are lacking , I have money to save but it won’t be enough for the places I’m thinking of! Argh

Oh no I meant with you the kids 😂😂.

Ah.
I definitely need a holiday child free, I’ve never ever had one!

So much is behind us by mid 40s - doors have closed, choices made, the "big adventures" of love and DC had.
See, I'm not sure about this. There's an idea that by your 40s you have everything sorted, but many of us don't. I don't have a mortgage, I rent, my best friend is single, my other friend is trying to find a different job/career. I don't know but I beleive there will be plenty more flux to come. As for big loves-that can come at any age.
I am finding that I am starting to daydream about the future and realising that I still want adventures, and that in a few years I won't be needed as a mum as much so I might graduate to a new stage. .a totally different sort of life. Probably I won't. ..but I could.
I think what I am trying to say is that the outward trappings of house, dogs, jobs, responsibilities are, in middle age, very grounding but also stifling but it doesn't have to be the end. I find that thought comforting.
Maybe someone older and wiser than me can advise!