Midlife monotany

[Gohackyourself]

I’m not really sure if chat is the best topic for this , but it fits under lots of topics I guess.it may be a bit of a ramble so please bear with me?

Just musing thoughts in my head about why I feel unhappy- yet am in a better place now than I’ve ever been. Trying to work out what I need but feeling so overwhelmed by this I can’t see the woods for the trees.
Without going into the minutae of my life story so far, let’s just say turbulent, I’m now in a more settled place... but... I feel I’ve spent so long fighting the fire( young kids, divorce, lone parenting, moving homes, meeting new partner, ageing unhappy parents ) that I’ve kinda lost what makes me happy.
I’m 43 ( feel 53!) so still young, yet mentally drained.
I feel like going mad An spend most days in a low level anxiety state. Also it doesn’t take a lot for me to be tipped over the edge an be snappy with my dp with regard to what’s going on around me .
I also feel trapped, in my job ( can’t progress at present due to childcare needs) feel trapped at home ( have a dp of 2 1/2 years but I don’t expect him to help full on with my child) he also does shift work. So I’m trapped in I have to be at home, but after ds gets home from school An we complete clubs/homework etc he’s old enough now to play on computer for An hr or two before bed, yet I’m too tired at that point from f/t day job, the race to get home an evening routine , to even contemplate doing something for myself , yet know I need to! But wonder, this can’t just be me feeling like this , surely?!
I have only one or two close friends an due to shift work /distance can’t see very often so no weekly outlet.

If you were me but changed , how did you change it? What did you do to change?
If your me atm , do you feel the same? Are you itching to change but don’t know where to start ?
Thank you for reading if got this far!

I’d also agree that I don’t think the big adventures or decisions are behind you in your mid 40s.

I’m 42 and totally love my life. I have romance, fantastic friends, amazing job. Spend time at weekends with friends doing different stuff, the usual going out things but we try and do something a bit random most weekends. Horse riding, ice skating, escape rooms, trampolining.

I guess the main difference for me is no dependent/young kids. So my time is my time. I have nobody to please apart from myself pretty much. I do have an older teen dc, so I would say it’s easier when they’re older.

Ifnotnowthenwhen-
I don’t think that my life is closed of opportunities , but it’s just deciding which an what to do.
I think the “ fire fighting” mode has prevented me from exploring/knowing what I like an don’t.Ask me what my kids do and don’t like I could tell you.
I also believe that having had to be two parents in one whilst f/t working - you don’t get opportunities, you can’t always maintain friendships.you get to explore nothing , it’s snatched away by an ex.Suddenly you come out the other side of this storm, battered an bruised realising you don’t really know who you are just because you have had to tread water keeping the babies afloat , in my case for 6-7 years!
I think you can also look at your parents ageing An are confronted with the fact that this will be you! As children we never really see that our parents are ageing, almost overnight though at some point in your 40s/50s you see that they’ve become old an may need your help, so you kinda get your kids through the early years, just as you may get breathing space, your needed on the other team for your parents :-)