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Original poster

Did you work when your partner had cancer treatment?

40 replies

Amaaboutthis · 07/09/2018 16:53

My husband starts chemo next week which will be carboplatin and docetaxol. He has had cancer for nearly a year but started on alternative treatment. Although the cancer is advanced and not curable he’s currently strong and well in himself so he goes into this in a good position. He’s in his 40’s

My question from those who have been through this, what help is he likely to need from me?

I’m going with him to his treatment on the first day and will go to all chemo appointments and I will drive him home. Our consultant assures is that he’ll have the full range of anti sickness meds etc and has told us what to look out for and when he might need to contact them e.g if he gets a temperature or any dodgy side effects.

I am planning on carrying on working on his non chemo days. I’m only in the office 3 days a week and I work one day from home. Does that sound feasible? I don’t expect anything from him at all, I have an after school nanny who does our cooking, I do all the washing, school runs we have a cleaner. He just needs to rest.

He says he wants me to go to work. I will make sure the fridge is stocked with what he needs and my nanny will be there from 3.30 so he won’t be alone too long (obvs she’s not there to look after him but it’s another adult in the house)

Does this sound realistic? Obviously if he’s very ill I’ll be with him but if it goes to plan would this work?

OP posts:

AvoidingDM · 07/09/2018 17:02

Not dealt with it personally. However I've a work colleague who continued to work while his wife went through treatment as did my friends husband when she went through it.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer you can only give it a go and see how you both get on with it.
Sorry you're having to deal with this

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 07/09/2018 17:04

I don't think it's realistic not to work tbh. Probably the stress of worrying about money won't do him any good. I think what you have planned sounds realistic as long as your job won't give you grief about staying with him if he needs you.

EngTech · 07/09/2018 17:07

Have a chat with your employer, explain the situation and see what can be done

Any good employer will work with you to sort something out

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Floralnomad · 07/09/2018 17:07

I think it’s reasonable and sensible to continue as usual as far as you can . I was seriously ill last year , not with cancer , and had a few hospital admissions and was literally incapable of doing anything for a couple of months and my dh still went to work around my appts . He just had to do all the cooking / cleaning / dog walking around his normal job plus fetching and carrying for me . Hope the treatment goes well .

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 07/09/2018 17:10

for you and your DH. I am in the same position as your DH and still working FT myself. As the consultant has said, they do look after you so well and if you take all the meds, and communicate about side effects as they come up they can really help.

I live on my own so not totally comparable, but I think what you’re suggesting sounds perfect. For me, the more that stays normal the better so I think you have come up with a great balance of help when needed and normal routine.

Jjacobb · 07/09/2018 17:12

My dh worked throughout my treatment. He did need to change jobs though as his employer was an arse about giving him any time off or even letting him swop shifts to be with me.
I preferred to go to treatments alone as much as possible. Friends would drop me at the hospital and pick me up after my chemo. I also wanted to keep things as normal as possible for our dc.
There's no right answer, would you be able to manage financially if you gave up work?

AuntieStella · 07/09/2018 17:13

It sounds feasible, and indeed is a good idea.

I think you need to keep your income and employment as stable as possible, for you never know what's round the corner.

Also, it can be good to be thinking about something else. Your DH might not get to step off the treatment treadmill, but you can, and you need to be in good shape so you can look after him.

I hope it goes as well as it can, and produces a stable outcome

iVampire · 07/09/2018 17:18

My not-so-DH worked throughout my treatment. When I was feeling trashed, I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and be left alone. When I was OK, I didn’t see the point of him taking time off.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 07/09/2018 17:29

My DP worked throughout my treatment. Even when I needed him at home to look after DC. The advice I would offer is to listen to him. Like pp have said, he might actually want to be alone. Have discussions often as his needs might change

Original poster

Amaaboutthis · 07/09/2018 17:32

Thank you everyone. My work are brilliant and totally flexible and know the situation. My work has been incredibly important to my mental health during this past year so I want to continue but obviously not to the detriment of DH. Il also want and need it if / when he doesn’t get better.

Luckily we are fine financially regardless of whether I work or not but i don’t want to neglect him if I shouldn’t be there

OP posts:

Sharpandshineyteeth · 07/09/2018 17:36

Docetaxel was the worst for me. It really hit me about 4 days after and would floor me for a week.

Onesmallstepforaman · 07/09/2018 17:48

I worked through my wife's first cancer treatments. I also worked through the first year of her second lot. Then, I was engineered out of my job and spent the remaining two years with her, almost 24/7. Losing my job was hard, spending the two years with my wife was the best thing I could have done. We were financially ok, and managed to enjoy the small things she was able to do.
Whatever you decide, enjoy as much time as you can.

wannabestressfree · 07/09/2018 17:48

I am having chemo at the moment and am currently in hospital with pneumonia. My partner has worked throughout but has been off the last two days as it was a bit touch and go.... I think the maintaining of work and life is so important to mental health and well being especially at such a difficult time.

TiddlesUpATree · 07/09/2018 18:33

My DH has just finished his chemo. I have worked my 3 days all the way through his treatment. He has also done quite a bit of work from home. We have no family close so I have had to juggle all of the drop offs and pick ups too. It's been manageable. He has coped pretty well with chemo and not had too many awful side effects which has helped. There may be more treatment in the future so we will have to tackle that if it comes. We have both found that working has helped keep our mind off it all. Good luck to you both. It will be difficult but you can do it

StripeyDeckchair · 07/09/2018 18:49

I worked through all my cancer treatment going into hospital by tube then on to work by bus. The number of people at work who I told about having cancer was minimal so I didn't have to cope with all the questions.

Original poster

Amaaboutthis · 07/09/2018 18:53

Again thank you once again. He has worked up until now and his plan is to work from home for as long as he feels well enough.

When I am at work my mind is in a totally difference cancer free place which is so important for giving me head space and maintaining normality

wannabestressfree I wish you better.

OP posts:

Original poster

Amaaboutthis · 07/09/2018 18:54

stripy wow, was that hard? DH hasn’t missed a day of work until a couple of weeks ago despite being on fairly strong tablets. Now he feels he needs to give himself a bit of a break but if he feels up to it he will definitely be working.

OP posts:

bsmirched · 07/09/2018 18:54

My DH has worked throughout my chemo, taking off each actual chemo day. My last 3 chemos were Docetaxel and I tolerated it relatively well. As a PP said, if it does make you feel rough, company doesn't really help anyway!

CherryPavlova · 07/09/2018 18:58

I never had my husband with me for any of the appointments around surgery, chemotherapy or radiotherapy. I drove myself to all hospital visits except going home post surgery as I had drains in then and a seat belt was uncomfortable. He didn’t not offer, I just couldn’t see why he’d need to be there.
He carried on working throughout. I had 5 days off for surgery, then had a day off when I had each of the first chemotherapy sessions (FEC) then a couple of days each cycle for the taxotere - I needed morphine for a night each time for bone pain so couldn’t realistically drive or make decisions the following day. I did do short days during radiotherapy as it was daily visits. I also had neutropenic sepsis a couple of times and had two days off each time for admission and IV antibiotics.

I really can’t see why you would need not to work. My view is it’s better to maintain as much normality as possible for everyone.

CherryPavlova · 07/09/2018 18:59

I’m with you Stripey!

Original poster

Amaaboutthis · 07/09/2018 19:06

cherry thank you so much. I am on a FB group and they all seem to have taken the whole time off with their partners. My dad keeps on telling me how hard it will be too. Not sure how he knows as nobody in our family has ever had chemo before

OP posts:

TulipsInBloom1 · 07/09/2018 19:09

If you and dh are happy for you to continue working then go with it for now. Is your employer good? Could agree an "I will be off if needed" agreement where if dh has some dark or worse days you can just be off without question?

Original poster

Amaaboutthis · 07/09/2018 19:15

tulips my employers are fantastic and I can easily flex my hours or take time off if I need to and DH wants me to carry on working, he thinks I would be mad not too but I wasn't sure if he would need me around for actual physical support. I'll continue as normal as far as possible and reconsider if circumstances change

OP posts:

TulipsInBloom1 · 07/09/2018 19:16

Thats great. The only right thing to do is whatever works for you and dh.

Wishing you all the best for the coming months.

Tiggy78 · 07/09/2018 19:23

I gave up work when my DH got sick. Initially because he wasn’t allowed to drive so I needed to be there to take him to all his hospital appointments. We knew he as terminal so wanted to make the most of the time left. As time went on he needed me to be there in case he fell, to give him his meds and cook etc. For his last 4 months he couldn’t walk and needed full time care.

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