My son has gone to bed crying saying I hate him

[sallypepper]

And I really can't do this anymore
This can't be my life
I cannot do the teenage years, he's only 11

What would you do with this.

So it's business as usual, we both apologise, say we'll try and be nicer to each other.
All going well, he's dressed, breakfast done.
So he just has to put his shoes and socks on.
I shout him to come into the bathroom and shouts , wait, hang on. I go out after waiting and he is sitting on the stairs on the iPad. I calmly say, shoes and socks please. He starts to sing the song that's playing, looking right at me.

Wtf?

The only way I have found to deal with mornings is to be REALLY strict about what's allowed.

I would have the iPad away and hidden and just not available for him in the mornings. Definitely no gaming.

The provocative behaviour is just trying to get a rise out of you. My DS would do and does do exactly the same.

It's gonna have to go.
I've held off taking it away because it's too harsh and he'll see it as a punishment. But I think it needs to go for the sake of our relationship and sanity

If you set out specific times he can play on it that might help.
I've instigated a very regimented evening schedule from this week which DS has kicked against like crazy but I'm holding to it. It includes gaming time every evening and he's allowed TV in the morning but no gaming as it's a lot easier to get a kid away from a TV program that can be paused than a game.

Can I say that you obviously have a great relationship if he can behave like this with you. It's like toddlers, he obviously feels loves and supported by you which is what allows him to be able to lash out. It will also be good for him in the long term.

I say this from the angle that my dad dies when I was young. 6. I learnt very quickly that I wasn't allowed to have emotions because it would upset my mum. And I could never go against what she said as she didn't have anyone to support her. It meant that I could never throw a strop as a teenager, missed out on a lot of normal teenage experiences because I knew she wouldn't like it. I was also very aware of death, obviously, so I was worried that if I upset her enough she would die (not a very rational one, but something I'd believed for many years).

So I ended up very closed off and with many emotional problems. I didn't really have a relationship til my mid 20s, as I didn't believe I could be with someone who'd let me be myself. I still find it amazing that I can be 'horrible' to DP (ie tell him I don't agree with something) and he doesn't storm off in floods of tears.

I'm not sure any of this waffle is helpful, but please, somehow, try to see it as a positive. I'm aware it must be hellish for you to go through, and all I want to do is give you a hug, but please, keep going. He loves you and you love him.

My ds is ten and getting him to do most things is a battle.

For example...if I don't remind him, he forgets to brush his teeth. So I'll say in a breezy voice 'make sure you brush your teeth before school'. He responds be screaming 'I'm doooiiiinnnngggg it'! Me in a breezy voice again 'well you're not actually doing it are you which isn't a problem, just remember to do it next'. This leads to eye rolls, stroppiness, mumbling under his breath etc etc.

It is just exhausting isn't it? You have my utmost sympathy.

Have a look at pathological demand avoidance. Some of techniques for dealing with issues might be relevant.

I'm not diagnosing over the Internet but sometimes the same issues arise for a variety of issues

He’s shit to you because your the only one. He thinks your really strict cause all the parenting comes from you. He imagines life would be different if his dad was alive. He hears from his mates all the fun stuff they do with their dads, not the parenting shite and assumes that’s what his idolised dead dad would be like and you’re just a nag.

My dad died when I was 10. Every age will be tough for him, as every so often he’ll be sucker punched with a strong feeling of grieve that his dad is missing some moment. It might happen when someone mentions their dad is picking them up from a disco or at exam time or at uni graduation, but it will happen.

I strongly recommend that you both (separately) keep having some grief counselling every so often. It doesn’t get easier it gets different.

As for him behaving like a teenager, take away screen/iPad. Holy Christ those things are changing our children. Until he sorts out his attitude why would you let him? Then severely limit it in the future.

How are you this evening op?

I'm ok thanks
Feeling a bit more in control
But still really depressing that this is my life.
He's at his friends right now, but I'm going to have a sit down with a list of rules.

An agreed list of rules is a good idea. I don't know why boys seem to feel the need to 'face off' with mums sometimes but it drives me round the bend as well, it's so overtly disrespectful and rude. Hard to keep calm in that situation I know.

I do think that it is very important indeed that you do not feel a failure; and also that you hang on to the fact that a great deal of what you are describing in your son is simply how boys of that age are and nothing to do with the sad bereavement that you have both suffered.

Most children will have uttered the words to a parent "I hate you" before they get to adulthood. It hurts for sure; but it is part of the growing up process. Your DS has suffered a massive hurt in his life and the desire to find someone to blame, however irrationally, will be part of what he feels. Who else can he let this anger out with, but the one person who he knows loves him unconditionally and with whom he feels safe?

The whole hugging and kissing bit does wane a lot when boys are this age - it is just not cool - but that does not mean they do not love their Mums. He does need you to tell him every day that you love him - but it maybe that the hugging might be a bit less to the fore - that is OK.

It must be particularly hard for you, as the person who you really want to be hugging is not there so this "rejection" must feel doubly hard - I do feel for you. You are trying to be Mum and Dad, so are taking the brunt of all this boy's anger and frustration - there is only you to focus it on.

You are not a failure - you are trying hard to do a very difficult job on your own.

Someone recommended this book on another thread 'Calmer Happier Parenting by NOEL JANIS-NORTON.
My DCs are grown up so I haven't tested it but she does sound as if she has good ideas, she is a teacher.

Just thought I'd post and say we've had 2 lovely days of a new routine.
He's really onboard and trying very hard, even with his homework!

Well done!
We had a less good day last night which resulted in me yelling and him not going to sleep until after 10

That's brilliant news Sallypepper!

sallypepper get in touch with Winstons wish . (They have a fb page )It's a charity specifically for bereaved children . They offer advice and support .

I've cried down the phone a couple of times to Winstons wish!
The best advice they gave me was that when children are grieving they do it all over again at different ages.
So my son originally grieved aged 7, but then at 10, because he'd grown up, he did it all over again as a 10 year old.with different questions and emotions.
That and the 'puddles' of grief that they jump in and out of.

In other news, I can see him slipping back with the rules, so have to be strict

Good for you for keeping on it! I'm sure consistent rules and boundaries will help him feel secure.