My son has gone to bed crying saying I hate him

[sallypepper]

And I really can't do this anymore
This can't be my life
I cannot do the teenage years, he's only 11

Sallypepper oh my lovely, it's so hard for you
BUT you are the only person on the planet that your son can say "I hate you" to and KNOW that you will still be there for him.
The only person. And he does KNOW that.
He doesn't hate you, you know deep inside that he doesn't.
As pp's asked - have you and he got any support with your bereavement? Winstons Wish or similar?

Sally I have a 13 year old whos dad died as well. Can I ask how long it is since he died

I have been told this is normal in the early stages. Anger, not being able to control the fact his dad is not here means he will try to control other things like bedtime.

The other thing could be is that he duesnt want to let you get close in case he loses you too

I dont know how long it has been for you. But counselling doesn't fix grief and the anger that goes with it.
It just helps a little bit, sometimes.
It is 2 years since I lost my son.
I had 6 sessions of telephone support about 6 months afterwards.
I still feel heartbroken, angry, desperate.
It sounds as if your ds needs help urgently. Either via your gp or the school.

It sounds very hard op.

I would respectfully suggest wrt to the 'Don't leave it angry' comments that you don't insist on hugs or anything like that. My mother used to shout at us - she'd go on for hours, it felt like - and then at the end of it she'd try to make it up and insist on hugging us. She'd get angry again if we refused, so we let it happen. I had so many hugs where I stood there privately hating her; it didn't do our relationship much good.

You sound like a kind mum who cares about her son, so I'm sure you are not like my mother in the ways that matter. However, the hug thing may be relevant to your situation so I thought I'd mention it.

I hope you find an approach that works for you both - it sounds hard

I'm so sorry . My son is 11 too and sounds exactly the same and he hasn't lost his father. Our summer sounded similar, the PS4 has been the Bain of my
Life, he won't get dressed etc in a timely
Manner and everything is a drama, unfair, battle....
I'm hoping the routine of school might help....
Good luck. I'm thinking of you xx

Pointy- I did a course of parenting classes when he was 5 or 6, he was difficult then.it taught me a lot, and I'd like to think I haven't forgotten it all, I've moved away now, otherwise I'd phone them and ask for emergency therapy.
It's been 4 years, so not really early days.

This is not about his Dad right now. it's about how mean I am to him. He believes it.
He has been emotional, angry, sad and sometimes those feelings have come out in a row. My heart breaks for him.
He's always been massively affectionate, I get 50 hugs and kisses a day. But not clingy.

Feel like I'm rambling now
My head is banging

My children's dad has also died quite recently. We through the summer holidays muddled through the very raw stages of grief. My boy is very stubborn, knows his own mind and understands what happened to his father well beyond his years. I found that it was at bedtime when his behaviour Would be bad. Perhaps going to bed gives him time to think about what has happened to his father, perhaps going to bed is a difficult time for him. It was for my boy so I offered to lie with him (he's only 9) and would ask him if he wanted to talk about his dad and a lot of the time
He did and it ended in tears. My kids have settled now
But I'm more than prepared for more issues. I can't get my head around he's gone so understandably a child can't.

Some of the things you have mentioned sound like normal boy behaviour - not washing etc mines been like this since birth.

Also as hard as this is he may feel resentment towards you as the surviving parent. he just wants his dad doesn't he.

Is there a family member / friend who is
Now providing the male influence. Not as a replacement for his father but someone else that he can go and talk/ spend time with on a regular basis . Perhaps he wants to say things but doesn't want to upset you.

I'm so sorry for those that are grieving

Hi OP.Hold on in there. I know you said he's always been a bit of a handful but at this age it's normal. He knows you're not being mean. Do you think he might just be trying to strive for a little independence by going against you? As you are the only one he can do this to? Easy for me to say but have been through similar with the behaviour at this age. Just as I thought I couldn't take much more (and that was with a dh around who caused more problems by not backing me up that it woyld have been easier if I was single! )it suddenly got better!! If there is anyone with dcs the same that you trust in rl then I'd talk to them you might be surprised to find that they are in the situation. Or is there a Gingerbread group near you that you could join? It's hard as you feel so crap but if you have been close with cuddles before then it's still all there in yr ds underneath. Maybe give a bit space for a couple of days. Hope yr situ improves by the weekend. You sound lovely OP. for you.

every minute of the day for 8 weeks - that's enough to drive anyone crazy! I wouldn't be able to stand any one person's company that much no matter how much I liked them / loved them. Both of you need time apart and time with other people.

Bluewidow- he's close to my brother and my Dad and Uncle are good men.

There are people I can talk to, but it's very hard when you feel like such a failure.

Everyone who knows him well, knows he's a handful, but he's also funny and caring and so enthusiastic about everything.

I feel like switching my alarm off and staying in bed tomorrow

I am very sorry and it must be so hard for you.
Is he at school regularly...???

11 is a tough age.
With regards to the getting up, shower etc can you work out at a time when you're both calm, how best to schedule this so it doesn't cause conflict? Perhaps eg he could shower in the evening so there's some flexibility on time - maybe he's trying to impose his own mind on these things and would manage it better if you took a step back? Easy to say I know.
I also found the Steve Biddulph book 'Raising Boys' gave me a really good insight into the stages they go through and had a lot of down to earth practical advice.
you can do this!

He's doing great at school chitter, they've been really supportive
Doesn't mind their rules!
He told his friend today that I was really strict. I'm really not. The problem is that because he does nothing I ask, he feels like I am nagging him constantly. When In reality it's the same 3 things I'm asking him to do.
Brush his teeth, homework before ipad and bedtime.
I've got that book, I'll dig it out, see what he says about 11 year olds.

OP-you're not a failure. Everyone goes through difficult stages with their dcs at different ages its just that many don't admit it as ironically they don't to look like they are failing! If he's actually going to school, he's eating and sleeping ( its late and can't read back over thread-sorry! ) then yr not doing a bad job. If he's not showering it won't kill him to smell. He will soon learn that one. Pick yr battles carefully. Tomorrow is a new day. It will all look better in the morning. Don't give up on him. He needs you to be the strong one. You never know he might be all smiles in the morning! Put it out of yr head and get a good nights sleep.

Oh love, it sounds so hard

So you heard him tell his friend you are strict? That old chesnut?! -make sure mum hears how bad is it for me?! As for the teeth - tell him his breath smells that'll help! Thats why you need to talk to soneone in rl as it will put sone if it in perspective and you won't feel so overwhelmed and may even laugh about it! I always talk to mum and as someone looking from the outside helped me to see it wasn't that bad. Even if you are(which if you let him stay up during the summer some parents don't but I do... ) strict then good for you and he will respect that in time and sooner than you think. Better than not caring.

You don't need a book someone in rl to chat to.

Cherry- i know that's nothing, it made me laugh, he told me the message as he was typing it out.
I do talk to people, they know how he ignores me and have seen first hand how I have to persuade him.
I also do pick my battles, I actually don't care if he only gets in the shower once a week, he doesn't smell yet. But I do care if his hands are filthy, that's what I mean by washing.
I tell him his breath smells, he laughs, he doesn't care.

Op I'm really sorry to hear this. My son is a real handful too.

My dad died when I was a child. For years and years I felt like the world had given me one massive 'fuck you'. It really affected my self esteem.

For those battles with teeth and getting ready I've found writing things that need to be done onto a board and having it in his room, so he can just get them done. He's got a clock in his room so he knows when things need to be done by. Give him some control over what things need to be done, eg at 7:00pm you can shower or brush your teeth.
For morning routines I tell my son that he has to be ready by 8am. If he's not ready then I get to choose the music playlist in the car. If he's ready by 8am then he chooses what he listen to. He's really into music so that works for him. Find what motivates him and give him incentives.

You sound like you are doing everything that you need to be doing for him. You just have to remember that being in this situation is fucking hard. You want to give them some understanding and you choose your battles because of the situation (which is the right thing to do). But at the same time you still need to discipline him/ he still needs to have a routine. I will say it again it's fucking hard-I know!!

Does he have a sport that he does. My son does and when his dad was ill we told him to take his anger about the situation and take it out on that sport. He's continued to do this and has massively improved at that sport and it's helped him.
Within an hour of being told his father had passed he was out doing that sport.

Was his dad your partner/ husband at the time? As if he was you need to remember and you son needs to realise that you are grieving too. People will say you have to hold it together infront of the child
But i think this is wrong. Have a cry if you want to infront if him, it's good for him to know your upset and to understand that he's not the only one that is.

Does your brother talk to him about his dad / were they close? In our now little
Family it looks like we are ok and in the surface we are but actually the kids still need a lot of support and i think family members need to be reminded of that.

Meant to also add that when my kids returned to school
I think it really hit us all. Going back to school and work was a level of normality that my husband was there to be involved in. And I felt
Like we are back in a routine and another step away from
Remembering my husband- despite him being talked about everyday. Normality is good but it can also suck it dos feel like we are leaving him
Behind.

Meant to say wasn't there to witness!