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Original poster

Enemies at the school gate

48 replies

Madonnasmole · 06/09/2018 21:00

Fancy a thread on the crappy politics of the school gate?

Last year I got consumed by it all and swore a solemn oath that I I’d never waste a year of my life to this fuckery again

These are not my people.

I’m 40 ffs I have my real mates that I’ve known forever

I stood on my todd today looking like a leper not catching anyone’s ones eye - then completely over analysed it in the way home!

Ffs! It’s not just my school is ?

OP posts:
ABitCrapper · 06/09/2018 21:04

No it's like that at our school as well

I think it's like - you know how easy it is to revert to teenage dynamics with your parents? - well some people do that in the school gates.

Also. I'm older. I'm not local and neither is my extended family. I don't give a crap about love island. I don't like drama in my life, so I don't court it.

So although it can be hurtful to be shunned and have friendship overtured rebuffed, it's not like we will be bff so I get over it Wink

Morethanthisprovincallife · 06/09/2018 21:13

Op, it's very rare to get total ass holes at school gates, it really is unless they are very immature and bitchy. Most people chat to people they know.. And when your chatting you don't notice other people.
But... But..... For me, I'm not in an area or cohort I gel with.

The mums are in general very alien to what I'm used too, my fiends etc.

I don't think I'll ever find amazing friends at school but, considering I'm extremely shy... I have managed to make friends to a point of history with some people. I guess that will have to be enough.

Original poster
Madonnasmole · 06/09/2018 21:15

So although it can be hurtful to be shunned and have friendship overtured rebuffed, it's not like we will be bff so I get over it

Yes!

This the first time I’ve experience this kind of bollocks since I left secondary school 🙈

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Original poster
Madonnasmole · 06/09/2018 21:19

The mums are in general very alien to what I'm used too, my fiends etc

Snap. However I was drawn in at the beginning with the smiley PTA faces which in reality was a severe pecking order of bored housewives Hmm

Had a real good look at the situation over the summer and thought ‘nah not this year ladies!’

OP posts:
Freetodowhatiwant · 06/09/2018 21:21

I find it weird when I read these threads as I’ve made loads of friends at the school gates and in the playground! I find everyone talks to everyone. There are groups I don’t know, with kids of different ages, but if I walk past and catch someone’s eye I will usually say hello and vice versa. I work from home and so often find myself chatting to people for distraction long after the kids have gone in along with quite a few other people. I do hope we are not considered a clique. I think generally it’s a really friendly environment but am now conscious since reading threads like these that not everyone thinks so. It certainly appears so at my school but I will look around for those not looking comfortable and make sure I make an effort.

MissVanjie · 06/09/2018 21:21

wellllllllll tbh it doesn’t hugely matter

I have people i like/can chat to, people i can take or leave, people i have nowt in common with and people i wouldn’t piss on of they were on fire - like in any random group of people

People’s work schedules/pick up routines vary and sometimes there’s someone there to talk to and sometimes not. This is why god invented smartphones.

It’s only five/ten mintes anyway.

Original poster
Madonnasmole · 06/09/2018 21:25

miss I hear you!

I think mine stemmed from wanting to be involved in PTA and being an active parent (yes I know I’m cringing at me even saying that Grin) WTF was a thinking Grin

OP posts:
weebarra · 06/09/2018 21:25

My three DCs go to a 400+ Primary. It has kids from a mix of affluent and deprived areas. Working mums and SAHMs.
I have never had any issues and neither has anyone I know. I'm on the pta, I work, I'd never watch love island, I have a DC with ASN.
Ive made good friends through school because I found my tribe. Some people do, some don't. If people are cunts, ignore them.

sandinmybellybutton · 06/09/2018 21:26

I'm probably the talk of the steamie as I find the Dads easier to talk to. #nofucksgiven.

SleepFreeZone · 06/09/2018 21:29

I definitely have mums I like more than others. I wouldn’t say I actively dislike anyone and I would never ostracise anyone so perhaps it’s the area the school is located.

MissVanjie · 06/09/2018 21:58

Hahaha there’s bothing wrong with wanting to help out on the pta tbh - i appreciate everything ours do, and the money they raise is more vital than ever at plugging the gaps with everything being cut to the bone.

It’s a shame when it doesn’t work out . Fwiw i think that people who have the free time to be able to offer pta help tend also to be fairly comfortable, not having to work and so on. None of this makes them bad people, but they can be a bit oblivious, eg i often have to remind some of ours that some people are single parents and can’t get out of the house on an evening to come to meetings and such. ‘Bored housewives’ - whatever, I don’t really like phrases like that as it smacks of pitting women against one another. i just smile and nod and do my own thing and help where i can.

SallySeeker · 06/09/2018 22:04

Just go in a few minutes before you have to, collect child and walk out. Your children are there to make friends but you don't have too. I tried getting involved in a group who met weekly for coffee but it was clear I wasn't wanted so now I just smile and chat to whoever and let it all go over my head. You'll probably not see most of them by secondary school anyway.

MissVanjie · 06/09/2018 22:20

Confession time: sometimes i have headphones on and i’m not even listening to anything, i’m just all out of fucks to give about whether oliver likes gymnastics club and how chloe is getting on up at secondary school and how dave likes his new job

Sorry bout it Grin

cannotchange · 06/09/2018 22:48

Madonna - are you me ???

I am in the same position this year, don't want to get involved and trying not to give zero fucks, but its tricky when you are stood alone in a sea of chatting groups and your DD's class is always last out

At least you have other friends, I don't really and tried really hard but have been pushed out ( Wendy style).

Missvanjie - you summed it up with the mindless daily small talk, it's either that or getting involved in gossip- vvvvv dangerous !!

It's been that bad for me, I'm having counselling to try and train my brain to give zero fucks

But it's good to have these threads now and again so you can see it happens in other playgrounds

And yes Madonna, I go home and analyse the hell out of it - every.single.day

Meesh77 · 06/09/2018 23:11

Bet Kate Middleton doesn’t have this problem.

CrossFlannelCherry · 06/09/2018 23:17

Reading this thread is giving me flashbacks! I was always an "If you're nice to people they're nice back to you" person, until we moved to a village in a rural county. I joined the PTA, invited mums for coffee at my house, etc. but I was completely rejected. It crushed my confidence in a way I would never have believed possible. to excuse myself from the humiliating experience of the playground, I ended up taking the dog and waiting outside the school gates. I made 2 friends during that time, both of whom were also 'outsiders'. I remember walking through town, daydreaming, and this woman popped up in front of me saying 'hi, you're 's mum aren't you', we chatted and ended up going for coffee. She was feeling bruised from the playground politics too. She used to sit in her car outside the school and had noticed me hanging about with my dog! We are still good friends 13 years on. We've both moved out of that place and refer to it as "the village of the damned".

cannotchange · 06/09/2018 23:24

CrossFlannel - I too have had my confidence severely effected- was treated the same whenI was at school- these feelings run deep !!!!!!!

Always feel like an outsider . Joined the PTA but have been more or less ousted by the alphas

I tried so hard to connect with different people, but my eldest daughter is in Yr 6 now, well and truly had enough of it.

ItLooksABitOff · 06/09/2018 23:56

I was lucky because DH used to do most of the drop off/pick up, but I had to take over at one point. I deliberately left as late as possible so I would have very little time to speak to any mums - unfortunately there was some drama going on in my dd's year.

Inspite of all my efforts, I STILL got pulled into it one day and I guess it became a drama because some of the mums didn't really acknowledge me years later, but I dgaf.

I was glad when that few months were over.

ItLooksABitOff · 06/09/2018 23:57

and no it didn't shatter my confidence. That particular set of mums were twats who were waaaay overinvested in their kid's social lives.

CrossFlannelCherry · 07/09/2018 00:02

cannotchange the only thing you can do is step away. Far easier said than done I know, but I just had to switch off from it. I had friends away from school which was a big help. It took me a long while to feel like my old self again after we moved away. I became very reserved and just expected people not to like me, which isn't me at all. This week I was in our nearest city and spotted one of the mums in Homesense. She was trying to catch my eye but I just looked straight through her. These women just want to know your business so they can talk about you, but I wasn't about to give her the satisfaction. I'm sorry you are going through this too Flowers

Kemer2018 · 07/09/2018 07:35

It gets better 😁 mine is y7 and i don't see any of them.
The feelings of isolation took me right back to high school, truly shite.
For years 5 and 6, my child walked to and from school herself (live next door to school)it was that bad.
I'm miles happier now.
Hang on in there x x

yellowstars · 07/09/2018 07:43

I time the school run so I arrive 5 minutes before they come out. How much can go on in 5 minutes.

BluthsFrozenBananas · 07/09/2018 08:01

On threads like this you always get people saying it’s all in your head, there’s no such thing as cliques and so on. But at does happen, at DDs school it peaked in year 3, and to cut a long complicated sorry saga short ended with the HT getting the police involved.

It was horrible, I’ve always been a make polite chat for a few minutes then pick up child and go type. It got to the point that if you spoke to person A person B would blank you for talking to them, even though all you were talking about was that week’s spellings.

DD is in y6 now, I drop/meet her at a halfway point before she has to cross the main road. She loves the freedom and so do I.

5000KallaxHoles · 07/09/2018 08:11

It's pretty bad in one year group at the kids' school. The other has taken me time to get to know some parents (we started the school later than reception) but I'm getting there now... other year group has completely fractured down the middle with the self-appointed Queen Bee clique and the others whose face doesn't fit. Queen Bee was caught slagging all the other school parents off and the chickens came home to roost recently (I'll be honest - I loathe this woman as her child's been consistently vile to my child). Also allegations of boyfriend stealing (someone went "morning you allright" to the fella) and it all got a bit Jezza Kyle at points.

AamdC · 07/09/2018 08:22

I never really got involved with people. Ds1 left primary this summer ,i have one good friend friend from meeting ar his school , but we both have boys wirh autism, so also atrend special needs groups etc, there were a few orher mums i chatted to but that was it , ds2 goes to a special school so dont do drop offs