I've messed up my child's life. I've ruined him.

[Deers]

I'm sat here crying. I'm such a bad bad person. I hate myself. My beautiful boy. I've ruined his life. He didn't deserve this. I don't know how to undo this mess.

Please visit your GP ASAP. They will be able to help enormously, possibly put you in touch with CAMHS if needs be. Also speak to the school, explain how he has been acting out and try to find out whether something has been happening at school. The reason I say this is my DS began acting out last year and I couldn’t pinpoint a reason, it transpired he was being bullied.

New siblings are an enormous change for young children and they can definitely feel as though they are being pushed out. If you have a partner, could he watch the baby while you give your DS some one to one time at bedtime perhaps? Try and get back into the bedtime story routine. Appreciate how difficult it is with a small baby but your DS sounds as though he is simply crying out for attention.

You are not a bad person, you havent ruined him,l ots of good advice on here. I had 4 DKs, 2 DGKs staying with me now, DGS also 7, I put suncream on him yesterday, he has white blond hair and skin condition, he told me I was mean, if I wont buy what he wants to hates me, (and his DM) its normal, I find they are also revolting in the teenage years. My oldest DD apologiesed to me a few years ago, for her behavior between 16 and 21, because she had a son the same age and then realised what I went through

@op @deers you havent messed up his life.It might feel like that.but you really havent. As hard as it is,if you face this,find help..its fixablle. honestly. My dp left myself and ds 2 to wake up in a house he'd basically shredded while we slept. ds2 adored his dad and..things from that point on spiraled into continuous nightmare. some of which is still ongoing.My happy,little boy was mostly quite miserable.i was struggling with all sorts and then i took him to a play therapist. google and find your nearest one perhaps.speak to his school,or even a health visitor they should be able to signpost you at the very least. dont be afraid to ask for help ever. the fact you admit it is sign enough that you care.it wont stop or go away on its own.x

Try joining therapeutic parenting on facebook, for you and him.

@Deers you really haven't messed his life up. He's still only little and there is plenty of time to turn this around. Please do stop punishing yourself and go to your GP. You can do this!

It sounds like you son is a Highly Sensitive Person.

There are books out there on parenting a HSP.

I hardly slept at all yesterday. I've been so so upset. I cried to DH who is really supportive. I'm going to start with 20minutes one to one time with him everyday. And do bedtime reading with him whilst DH looks after baby.

I've also called the local children's services and they've put me on a waiting list for a parenting course. Triple p I think it's called. I'll check the other link too, mayhew. Thanks.

Thank you so much for all the messages it really really has helped.

This morning, went completely ok. I was actually dreading it. I used the method that starbrightlight mentioned and it was such a breath of fresh air. There was no yelling from anyone. Its not been like that for a long time. I didn't ask him to do anything. Just gentle nudges of have you got dressed yet? Do you need any help?

The best thing is he asked to kiss the baby as I was going downstairs and then as I turned to leave he said come here, I want to kiss you too. I literally could have cried.

Ive still got a long long way to go and change myself not just my parenting. I had a very candid and long conversation with DH about my own messed up childhood and how it's affected me. Alot of it he didn't even know about. I've decided I really do need to work on myself too and make me a priority as well. I'm so messed up though. I don't even know how to start.

Below is an extract from just one of the multitude of entries re Highly Sensitive Children, this one: thegreenparent.co.uk/articles/read/parenting-highly-sensitive-children

they are "born with a highly reactive nervous system which makes them sensitive to their environment, their peers and their emotions. Though all HSCs are different, with some being outgoing and others being more introvert, they share several common traits. The best way to find out of your child might be an HSC if to take the online questionnaire.

The most important thing to remember is that being highly sensitive is not a problem that needs to be overcome. Though HSCs are prone to anxiety and depression, theirs is an inborn personality trait that, with the right parenting, can breed incredibly special individuals."

My son is a bit like this at times. He has ASD (with an aspergers presentation) and his anxiety can lead to this sort of outburst and expression of self-loathing at times at home (never at school, where he is very outwardly calm and compliant). Not saying your ds has ASD but the anxiety part is really one of the hardest things for ds. He gets so so upset and shouts about how he wishes he was gone/off the planet/dead for getting in minor trouble at home. There's so much you and professionals (teachers, psychologists) can do to help. Our ds is working on various tactics to manage his anxiety and recognise his emotions (and those of other people) before they get too big to handle and it has been so helpful. A psychologist may be able to help you both, but perhaps start with your gp. You can develop strategies to help him gradually.

OP, you are obviously a deeply caring parent. That’s half the battle won. I wish you all the best in this journey .

Honestly it sounds purely insecurity and jealously to me, I don't think there's anything seriously wrong with your son. My own 7 year old has moments like this too, and I'm pregnant with number 3. I think this age is very hormonal and tricky for them, they desperately want to be loved on like a little one and know that you're still their mummy too - but they also want to be a big boy and have that independence.

I'm so glad to hear you have a supportive husband. It's SO important for you to have that one on one time with your big boy too. He needs that JUST as much as his younger siblings. I have always been the one to do bed time in my house as DH is often working late, or literally walking in the door as they're going off to bed, so my husband and I have talked about continuing this when the baby gets here. He will have the baby, and I'll carry on with the bedtime routine. I think your plan to do this is spot on.

You're both going to be just fine, Mama. We can all see how much you love your babies.

Parenting is really hard and we all make mistakes.
If you can afford it I would pay for private ongoing therapy for yourself and pay for a few sessions with a child psychologist for some parenting strategies that are tailored for your family.
If you can’t afford, them gp to refer you for counselling and camps for parenting support.

you could try talking to www.supportline.org.uk/ . they are trained professionals who can help advise you. wishing you and your family all the best

A shit mam wouldn't care or ask for help.

Everyone struggles sometimes

Does your child have asthma or is on any medication? Some medicines like montelukast / singulair cause depression, anxiety and bad behaviour in children. Just checking in case it is something external x

Hello, please contact your GO and ask for a referral to your local CAMHS. They will be able to offer you a triage assessment and in all likelihood direct you to a lower tier service in your area. The wait time is terrible, so speak to school about your concerns and ask for help to find support. They can ask a local authority educational psychologist to help signpost them if they don’t know enough about this. Next, and this is the important bit), don’t stop nagging until you get the help you need. Just seen there are two more pages that I didn’t read, but hope this helps xxxx
P.S If he is self harming or seems very risky, go to your GP or in a crisis A&E and do not go home until you are provided with help .

Sorry, had missed two pages when posted. Apologies if irrelevant. For you, google IAPT and your nearest town/city. You are looking for a service that accepts self referrals and takes anyone aged 16+. Wait time usually under two months, sometimes significantly under. You can refer by phone or online. Triage appointment will allocate you to a therapist or psychologist. If the sessions offer3ed aren’t enough, they can refer you direct to secondary mental health service if you’d like that. Very best wishes.

Hi OP,
Glad you have you DH on board and can make some time for bedtime stories while DH watches the baby.

Good for you for recognising that things aren't where you want them to be! Try not to think of yourself as a sh*t parent - you are clearly loving and caring and just need a bit of extra support.

Having children can trigger hurts in you if, as you say, you had a tough childhood. Ask your GP about counselling support. Where I am, you can self refer to counselling services.

Have a look at the Early Help Hub in your area - they might be able to help too. Or children's centre, if you have one.

Does the school have a programme such as Thrive? Have a chat and see if there is some emotional support available for your son at school.

I really hope you get some appropriate support very quickly and you all begin to enjoy things again!

I have worked with primary age boys. 7/8 is a very difficult age- they start to become more self aware. All they do is cry and get upset over stuff. All the time. Even my own boy was like this and he is the sunniest natured kid. I think there is a hormone spurt at that age that causes all sorts of grief. They tend to grow ut of it.

Glad you’re awaiting a parenting course. Glad your husband is supportive.
I think you also need to stop him telling you he hates you. It’s naughty behaviour just as much as spitting or kicking the cat. The more he sees you getting upset by it, the more he’ll do it. Time out each time he says it.
Then catch him being good. Reward him helping lay the table (if done with good grace), I don’t mean a new pair of trainers I mean buttons in a jar or sticky stars on a chart.
Give him choices and control as much as possible - Do you want the blue socks or the brown ones? Do you want peas or carrots tonight?
Does he get enough exercise? Does he belong to an after school activity like beavers? Might be worth giving him something to boost his confidence and social skills.
Then get yourself some support. Your mental health might be clouding your judgement and impacting on his happiness.