I've messed up my child's life. I've ruined him.

[Deers]

I'm sat here crying. I'm such a bad bad person. I hate myself. My beautiful boy. I've ruined his life. He didn't deserve this. I don't know how to undo this mess.

Yes, I've always done bedtime reading/ cuddles but that all went to pot when.i was pregnant (very sick / uncomfortable) and now I have a baby who's taking up all my time in the evening.

I'm so sorry you feel this way but you clearly love your little boy and it's clear you are a good mum or else you wouldn't care the way you so obviously do.

Your son doesn't hate, he loves you. But something in his world is causing him anxiety and as your mum he is taking it out on you. When he shouts I hate you he is really saying 'there is something about my life that's making me feel really angry and I don't know how to put it into words which is frightening because I can't explain it to you and so I hate you because you don't understand what I'm feeling and I need you to understand.' Does that make sense to you? He's angry, yes, but not really at you. His frustration is with himself and the limitations of being only 7 (yet with so much expected of him at school and getting to grips with the wider world, all affecting him now.)

The fact he feels sad when he sees his brother sad suggests a healthy empathy for other people's feelings which is a good sign, but also a sign that he's growing up with all the awareness that might bring, of other people, animals, the planet. The world can be a scary place when it's all brand new. I'm sure you have already but have you tried to get him to talk about why he's feeling this way? Is there someone close he could talk to, if he won't talk to you?

Regardless, you are not the only mum feeling like this, if that helps. I remember my son at age 7 used to have terrible ranting tantrums and lie on the floor kicking the door. We started a star chart where I actively made a conscious effort to totally ignore all tantrums and any bad behaviour and deliberately and very consciously praise and make a nice fuss of anything remotely like good behaviour.

When I say a fuss, I mean I would act really cheerful and happy and find something nice to do immediately, like an immediate reward for him any time he was remotely nice, or even normal. So any time he wasn't being horrendous he soon found I was being really really nice, and might suggest fun things to do, right now, (it could just have been lets make cookies with this flour in the cupboard, and maybe make flour drawings on the kitchen table - anything at all as a fun distraction) so the reward was immediate, cheerful and unexpected any time he wasn't being awful.

The star chart soon built up stars and I can't remember the exact system but he could see them build up when he's had a good day and when there was 5 we would do something fun, or when there were 10 something even more special.

This will pass, OP. My son is in his 30s now and seems to like me well enough.

Ennirem you.make so much sense. I know. I need to sort myself out first. I had a shit childhood and I feel like I'm repeating it on my own children. That's why I feel so shit. I don't want them to turn out like me.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this at the moment. I’d also suggest talking to his school. Is there a Home School Support Worker or someone similar? I’m sure the school will want to help and they should be able to signpost you to some further support. In my school, our HSSW has been able to really support families by helping them to access other services and firstly by just being a non-judgemental listening ear.

Sorry, cross posted. Definitely seek help from your GP - they can help support you through this but please take heart - you are already turning things around.

starbrightlight thank you. I'll try lots of praise and immediate rewards.

I really do doubt that he loves me.

What age is the younger brother? Could your elder DS feel pushed out if the young child is a new baby?
Was is 6 months ago when you were pregnant that you stopped the bedtime stories etc.?
Lots of questions don't answer if you don't want.

OP I completely understand that feeling. My parents were/are bonkers and I said I’d never have kids as I had no idea what healthy parenting looked like. Surprise surprise I’ve had a daughter, and I worry daily about inflicting on her the same mental illness and low self esteem I suffer from. But as the child of troubled parents, the one thing that would have helped me most would have been not having to worry about them, to grow up too fast, to feel like I had to make them happy. Make yourself happy, OP. Show your child how to do it. Making yourself the priority is teaching him about self care and healthy self esteem. Modelling behaviour is far more effective than trying to modify it. Good luck and be strong! X

Loulabelle25 I don't think there is a home school support worker at school. I could ask his teacher tomorrow.

I agree about feeling pushed out being a possible cause of his distress.

I had to put my son back on the bottle as a way of regaining closeness and trust after I had my second, a DD. He felt very sidelined and would ignore me until I forced closeness upon him with a cuddle and a bottle.

User02 Younger brother is only 18m younger than him. I had a baby 6m ago. Bedtime reading etc has stopped since I was pregnant though as o wasn't well early on and later was too uncomfortable and exhausted. I manage to read a couple of days a week but that has been only the past few weeks.

Also I think with those of us who didn’t feel enough love as children, there’s a risk of us trying to replace that bond with “our” children - we want them to love us to fill the deficit left by our parents. He doesn’t actually “need” to love you, not the way we think about love. He needs to trust you absolutely, to feel safe, and to have his needs - physical and emotional - met. Try not to think about or worry about whether he loves you, impossible or counter intuitive as that may sound. The important thing is that you love him, regardless of whether he returns that feeling or expresses it in a way that makes you feel loved, and that he knows that you do and always will. He can’t fill the emotional hole left by your parents, and you trying to make him will suck his tiny little self dry. All you can do is give him the unconditional love you needed then, and hope that allows him to grow whole and stop the cycle of dysfunction.

I think it has definitely gotten worse since baby arrived. I feel it's getting worse week on week. It's so difficult to spend one to one time with them. His younger brother has adapted quite well and has been.fine.

Yes, speak to his teacher and find out if there is a member of staff who leads pastoral care. Who might have that role will often depend on the size of the school. There is certainly no shame in asking the school for some help. We’ve had families struggling with various MH issues (parents and children) that have been able to turn a corner when help is asked for and support can be put in place. Even if at first that’s just a cup of tea and some tissues and a listening ear.

If things started to go wrong around the time of the baby's arrival it looks like that could be a significant factor.
Is younger brother ok and not changed in any way since baby's arrival?
Have you tried involving him with baby such as can he get the new nappy and clothes ready for baby's bath? Try it that way for a bit then if still unhappy don't ask him again to help with baby.
I think it could be trial and error until you find the happy medium.

OP so sorry. Do you know no special needs, ADS. My dd was diagnosed at 13. It doesn't always manifest immediately.

Is it jealousy of his new sibling?

uhm.. this is a tough one. ok. While you could have held back with the yelling before, don't let yourself fall into the trap of feeling terrible about what you did and so giving your kids the earth to make up for it.

My advice to you is:
While your son is calm, and not saying he hates you, take him to a quiet room (if not already in one) and gently explain why you tell him off. Sit down with him, not far away but not squeezed up next to him. Explain that it's important you show him what's right and wrong in the world just for safety reasons, and his well being. You can apologise to him for shouting before. If he has anything to say, listen to him - AND DO NOT INTERRUPT - and react appropriately. For example, if he says "I hate you and you don't really mean that" you can say something along the lines of " tell me why. Give me every reason why you say you "hate" me. I promise to do what I can to make you happy. It makes me so sad seeing you so sad." If he requests chocolate or something similar, explain that that is a special treat, and if he helps you with the shopping, for example, he can have a little bit

BIG NO NOs
NO EMPTY THREATS - don't threaten him with a punishment then not follow through
DON'T BREAK PROMISES - this will only make him trust you less
DON'T YELL AT HIM JUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE IT - this will just take you back to square one

If you feel it's necessary, you can try getting someone at his school (or outside of school, it doesn't really matter) to have chats with him to get whatever's bothering him off his chest. Ask him if he wants to keep this private, and if he does, KEEP IT PRIVATE

Also, talk to his teachers (without him knowing, ideally) to keep an eye out for him to make sure he's not being picked on at school.

After talking with him, try asking him for a cuddle, and if he doesn't want to give you one, just say "ok, that's alright". I have a cousin that used to hate cuddles and so we'd just do a thing where it was like a high five but then we kind of held on afterwards (the whole family did this). Don't push him too much.

One last thing - try to join in with something he's doing for at least 20 minutes each day. If he likes Lego, for example, offer to do a kit with him at the weekend. But give him space if he wants to be alone for a while

Hope you are able to talk things through with him. You are not a "shit mum", as you put it.

If you can get this course, or the book the Parenting Puzzle, this may help a little for you to get good ideas on parenting. I did the course when dd was 8 and it helped. Sometimes they offer a creche. A school support worker might be able to refer you.

familylinks.org.uk/the-nurturing-programme

Baby no 3 was a really tough time - jeez - you're juggling 3 little lives!

I had the same as you - one at school, one at preschool and a newborn - and looking back, I sometimes can't remember how i managed, it was so full on.

So. Are there good times? Times when you're happy together? You need to build on these. Where is Dad in all of this - can he alleviate some of the pressure on you? Take him off for some one-to-one time, and take the baby/toddler off so you can have one-to-one time?

IME, middle child adapts well because they never had the early years of being an only. First child loses a bit of mum to a new-born - takes time to adapt, but they do. Try to enable good relationships between him and the baby - I have a treasured picture of my eldest and no3 as a newborn lying on the bed together, with him reading to her. She was only a few weeks old, but really responding to him.

I think this will be the hardest time for you (or possibly when the newborn gets to the terrible twos )

And yes, if you think it's anything more than struggling to cope with 3 - please see your GP! PND with your third is really common - I know a few women that had it.

You're so busy and shellshocked, you barely notice - but it can manifest in feeling unable to cope, feeling you're children don't love you.

good luck. I've tucked mine into bed in tears, many a time. They've all told me they hate me at one time or another - it's part of being a parent.

He is manipulating you by making you feel guilty for telling him off.That's all. you are not his best friend you are his mum.Stand firm and just say say ; 'that's a shame because I love you' with a big grin and walk off.Telling him off isn't the problem.You dissolving into tears is.Be strong.Be a parent!

This is so painful to read. I have felt like this too OP. I was a shit mother whilst going through a divorce and working all hours to make ends meet.
It’s hard, good parenting depends on so many things coming together. Life circumstances, personality’s of both you and your children, phases they are going through you either understand or don’t get at all etc. There will be times when you are a great parent and lots of times you look back and think you were not so good. It’s the same for us all. Just keep plugging on doing your best 💐
Also, what other posters have said about working on your own self esteem and happiness. Kids love seeing their parents be happy

www.brilliantparents.org/

There are quite a few organisations that offer free or cheap parenting courses. Your school or Children's Centre will know what's local. You are absolutely the sort of client that they want to support, that is you want support and help with strategies that work.

My DD has ASD and tells me this a lot. It is hard but he is testing you to check that mums love is unconditional and that his world is still contained and safe.

The main thing is to make him feel safe by not reacting, not getting upset and not retaliating. As PP said, an oh well I love you lots approach works best. You can reassure him that he is loved, and that it is ok to feel cross about a new sibling and to feel a bit jealous - normalise how he is feeling because he might be worrying that he is in trouble or bad for feeling that way.

There are some great lists of empathetic things to say to kids when they lash out which really do help to diffuse things.

Are you sure he has no sen? Dn used to howl when told off or others were upset and could not control his impulses, emotion or behaviour. He was diagnosed with add and aspergers as a teen. How is he at school?