11yo dd cutting herself/ attention seeking/ need advice please

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At around age 8, dd started asking if she was safe at bedtime and asking if we loved her.

Two years ago she went through a phase of having sore tummies and saying she couldn't go to school. Then she started saying she sometimes felt like ending her own life would be best for everyone. We took her to the doctor and they recommend we spoke to the school and spent more quality one to one time with her. We did and things improved a bit, but she still constantly asks if we love her and if she's safe.

On Thursday she went to the park with a friend, she was late coming home, something she's been warned about before. So I told her she wasn't aloud to go to the park on her own the next day after school, but we would do something else instead.

Friday morning she had a massive meltdown, refused to eat her breakfast and told dh she was going to starve herself. DH said that would take weeks and wasn't a good idea because we love her. She then told him she had thought about stabbing herself that morning. I walked her to school and I'm sorry to say I didn't handle it well at all. I think I told her that if she was going to be that dramatic over one day of not going out with friends then she needed to just come home on time next time.

But Dh was a bit more grounded and suggested I phoned the doctor for advice as she'd been frantic. Doc wanted to see her, so booked an appointment that afternoon. We went and DD told her everything, Doc suggested a diary and talking to the school. Made an appointment for next week and said it could be escalated to Calms if things didn't improve.

We went home, she had a fight with DS and scratched him. I told them both off for fighting as they had both been physical. She then went into her room and used the nail scissors to cut small sections from her wrist.

My friend came round to visit and she told her. She is amazing and has knowledge of mental health issues/teen issues and seemed to calm dd, then they told me. Friend suggested I take DD for NLP therapy and call the doctor to escalate things on Monday.

DH came home early and we spent the evening talking to dd and I could see how happy she was at being the center of attention. She kept asking us how we felt about it and were we angry.

This morning she hoped into bed with me and gave me a big hug. She asked how I was feeling and I said okay and asked her. She said she might not be able to stop herself cutting herself again and when I said that frightened me, she said the was frightened of what she might do to herself.

When I said I needed a little lie down today as I hadn't slept last night, she said she wasn't sure if she'd be able to stop herself cutting herself if I was asleep.

She keeps asking if I've told Nana and what will Nana think and can she tell her because it'll be better coming from her.

She went to a good friends house for a while this afternoon and she asked me to tell the Mum about it and planned on asking her what she thought about it.

I'm going to call the doctor on Monday morning and get help, but for now, does anyone know what to do? I'm stuck because if horrific and she is enjoying the attention she gets when she's saying these things.

Today I have tried to give her positive attention for normal every day things and made a plan to cook dinner together tonight (she loves this).

We are a fairly happy family, both children are so very loved. We have normal stresses like money and work, but nothing bad going on. My side of the family has allot of mental health issues and yes dd has spent time with these people.

Oh and I should say, everyone else thinks she's massively confident and has a huge personality.

Feeling overwhelmed, lost and so frightened for my child.

Any advice please.

it sounds as though she's had anxiety for years.
if she needs more attention then there's a simple solution- give it to her.
spend time with her, keep her busy, make her laugh, give her cuddles.
and go to GP and ask for psychology/ CAMHS referral.

Yes, we need to do more. We already spend lots of time with her and make sure there's one to one time as well. We do love bombing and have a list of things kids can choose to do with each individual parent.

But yes, you're right, there's room for more.

Would this link be of help?
www.selfharm.co.uk/parents/about-us

Thank you

Honestly in my experience this does sound like attention seeking as my DD's seem to have a lot of peers who have self harmed and they all hid it initially. So the fact that she 'wants nan to know' and wants you to tell the friends mum does seem like at the moment she is looking to be the centre and maybe reassurance that everything is ok.

Definitely speak to the GP again, but in the meantime reinforce her feeling of wellbeing. Give her the family attention that you've been thinking and try not to link it to the SH.

Good luck, if she's 11 is she starting secondary school this week, do you think maybe this is making her more anxious than usual?

When my DD self harmed she denied it for as long as she could. She refused to talk and then minimised to the doctor and CAHMs, she begged us not to tell the school or anyone else.

So in her case it definitely wasn't driven by attention seeking.

But maybe better some attention seeking "fake" self harming than genuine depression and mental health issues. You can look at it that way.

She needs professional help before this becomes a pattern of behaviour she cant get out of. You will wait months for an appointment with CAMHS. In our LA, it is a 6 week wait for an emergency appointment. If you can, seek a private therapist.
In the meantime, if she harms herself, do not react when she shows you - do not tell her off or shower her with love and concern. Give her some alchohol wipes and tell her to clean the area and then give her a plaster or bandage to apply. She must do it herself - this encourages her to take responsibility for her actions. You can ask her why she did it, but you must be calm and as emotionless as possible. Once she has told you, give her helpful alternatives. E.g, well, next time, you could come to me and we could talk. Next time, instead of cutting you and I could go for a walk and distract ourselves. Do not be drawn into conversations about telling other people. Tell her she can tell whom she likes, but you will not tell other people as it is her private business. Regarding the 'if you nap I will cut myself' situation. This is clear emotional blackmail. Try not to let her hold you to ransom. Tell her that you hope that she will not cut, you will be there for her no matter what, make a plan for later in tbe afternoon to do something together, but, do not be afraid to tell her that you need her to understand you need some sleep and then go. At this age, self harm is usually a cry for help and/or attention. However, it can become addictive and self harmers can start to up the ante and end up seriously hurting themselves. That is why you must stay neutral when she shows you her injuries, a big reaction could lead her to do worse next time to top it. Have a word with the school and find out if there are other children going through similar. It is often a socially influenced thing. On a personal note, when I was 14 I decided to starve myself to teach my dad and my brothers a lesson after they called me fat. Skipping meals was difficult because I loved food so I ate and then threw up instead. I ended up losing weight, was complimented, so I became obsessed. I didnt get ill and no one noticed anything was wrong, but I liked being thinner so my motivation changed- I became secretive and no longer wanted anyone to find out. I ended up with an eating disorder that lasted 10 years and cost me one of my teeth. What starts out as a teen angst cry for attention can quickly develop into a mental health issue. Good luck.

Never call any form of self harming attention seeking, this is so dangerous to children & teenagers.
If she’s been around family members with mental health problems she may just be more open about discussing it. Speak to her GP, speak to her school when she goes back, they may have a school counsellor she can see. I’ve got some links for websites that were sent to me, I’m going through similar with my dc, I’ll find & post them.
It’s scary being a parent of a child going through something like this but phrases such as “attention seeking” and “ doing something stupid” aren’t good in this situation. Her telling you what she’s doing is her inviting you to help her.

Great advice from loki
docs.wixstatic.com/ugd/b5791d_7d13f090db464315b2f76a6f614cfffb.pdf

youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/

What happened when she was 8?

Make sure she has no unsupervised access to the internet. If she goes online, she needs to be sitting next to you. No internet enabled devices in her room.

Bear in mind that something may have happened while she was out with her friend, and that's a) why she was late and b) why she is now very volatile. You need to speak to her about what she did, who she saw, if anyone was unpleasant etc. 11 is around the age that predators start to bother young girls, usually with a cry of "I thought you were SO MUCH OLDER"

Do go to the doctor.

Billy, thank you, she started Primary 7 last week, she was excited to go back.

Tinkly, thank you for telling me about your dd. That’s the kind of self harm I’ve been reading about, what my dd is doing is so that others can see. I’m petrified about how far she is willing to go.

Loki, thank you, that was what I needed to know. How to react and behave towards her. Amazing advice. And thanks for telling me about yourself. My sister went through something similar, she now wears false teeth. My parents told her to stop being silly, she was ill and still fights it.

Ronny, you’re so right, it’s so scary. I haven’t said to her it’s attention seeking and I probably should’ve worded it better on here, I know it’s a cry for help. And thanks for the links, I have allot of reading to do.

Prinstress, nothing happened as far as I know. The girls in her year all fell out allot and dd was pretty unhappy in school.

Colditz, the friend she was at the park with has talked about suicide before. The girl has had allot of problems at home and seems to cry allot going into school. The Dad was at the park with them. She has my old laptop in her room for watching Netflix, but I can say I need it back for work. Then I can monitor what she’s looking at on the family computer.
Actually she has a phone too with internet access, she doesn’t use it at home, I should check it. Thank you.

I am a head of year, self harm is a very common issue. So common, the HOY and pastoral staff are trained to deal with it. You mudt be terrified, but also hurt and angry. That is quite normal. Please do ask questions if I can help further.

Cutting herself and acting out isn’t attention seeking. What is wrong with you?
No wonder she’s in a state. Get her proper help.

I'd ask her about that kid's dad, frankly

I'd look a little closer because little girls don't just start worrying whether they're safe or loved for no apparent reason.

Please don't ever let your daughter hear you describe her behaviour as attention seeking, that is heartbreaking.

Cutting and acting out absolutely can be attention seeking. When the young person is publically self harming and telling you they plan to do it, like the op's dd, that person wants your attention. It can be a cry for help and a very real sign that something is wrong. It can also be a sign of a mental health issue or reflective of something that is going on in their social circle. They are following others but starting to ferl scared and eant someone to notice and stop them. Attention seeking does not mean calculating and manipulative. It literally means seeking attention. The important thing here is that the op is questioning WHY so that she can get her dd the help she needs.

She needs to stop hanging around parks with this group of friends.
I’d get her to join a few groups out of school to distract her.
Get her a very old Nokia too. I expect snapchat will have something to do with it.
Unless she has suffered a major trauma when she was 8?

You need to reframe this as a cry for help, give up this ‘attention seeking’ label that is very minimising and dismissive. If she is cutting or wanting to cut she is experiencing extreme anxiety and sadness and you must get to the root of it. Take her to a therapist ASAP, go private if necessary.

There is always a reason for SH. She’s obviously feeling very anxious if she keeps asking if she is safe. I wonder if something had happened that you do not know about.

Just give her loads of love and cuddles and don’t tell her you’re angry with her for self harming because it will make her feel worse about herself.

Long time MH patient here and ex self harmer.

If you are letting her go to the park etc by herself at such a young age - my thought it is whether something has happened that has triggered this feeling in her that she is not safe. She might not have the language to explain what happened or how she feels.

Loki attention seeking has very negative connotations attached to it. It makes it sound like it’s not a problem, being made up or the person has control over it. I know what you’re saying is true, seeking attention isn’t a bad thing but describing someone’s actions as that can make the person become more secretive, feel like they can discuss things openly for fear of being seen as “just an attention seeker”. It’s very negative. Same with when someone tells you they are depressed and we might say “ you’re not going to do something stupid are you?” Using the word stupid is demeaning and the person could possibly clam up again.

Sorry op I know you said you haven’t said this to your daughter, just explaining why I suggested you phrased it differently.

Woah woah woah "such a young age"????

SHE'S ELEVEN

Cutting herself and acting out isn’t attention seeking. What is wrong with you?
No wonder she’s in a state. Get her proper help

You forgot to add what proper help looks like in your post. I'm assuming you posted too soon.

This sounds very frightening OP.

Do try changing the language from attention seeking to attachment seeking though. She is trying to make attachments because currently she feels none. Or is worried that they aren’t solid. Something is making her insecure and you need to work out what it is. Shower her in unconditional love and encourage the family to do the same. Personally I would stop the trips to the park for a while, she would have no laptop or phone in her room either- there simply is no need at her age. You don’t need to make excuses for getting the laptop back - just take it and explain that you are concerned about it.

Talk to School and the GP.

Best of luck