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Original poster

Inequality in GPS gift giving, causing the GPS stress

29 replies

Bestseller · 31/08/2018 14:52

One set of GPS very well off, and have an only child themselves and their DGC is an only so they have one DGC and no prospect of any more(medical complications)

The other GPs are "comfortable" in an upper working class kind of way. They have enough but by no means wealthy. They have two children and three DGC so far.

The wealthy GPS are very generous with presents, OTT in my opinion, but they enjoy doing it and as they say, have nothing else to spend their money on.

The "poor" GPs are also very generous but it's all relative and their money has to go further.

Poor GM has announced she won't be spending any more Christmases with both families as it "breaks her heart" to see the only GC so much more thrilled with the other GP's presents (she's 5yo and the presents are more impressive, yes maybe she should be better trained but that initial reaction is hard to hide).

I understand GM will feel it sometimes but otoh the wealthy GM might like 3 DGC, we all have to accept and make the most of what we have.

So, now SIL (the only's mother and poor GPs daughter) feels between a rock and a hard place she can either never be with her parents for Christmas or her DH's parents are alone for Christmas.

How much would you do to accommodate your mother in SIL's position? This obviously has nothing to do with my fear that we will be having Mil every year Grin

OP posts:
Immigrantsong · 31/08/2018 14:56

I think the GM needs to grow up a bit. She is an adult and she should ultimately care more about wanting to spend time with her GC. Why do you not do a list of gifts and then grandparents can agree which ones to get, hence both sets can buy something the kids want and have asked for? This was everyone will be happy. Seriously though with a bit of communication this will be a non issue.

gabsdot · 31/08/2018 15:00

The only and her parents should spend Christmas at their own house and schedule time slots for GPs to come and exchange presents making sure one set is gone and their present hidden before the other set come.

Original poster
Bestseller · 31/08/2018 15:01

SIL has tried lists. Wealthy GPs either buy the whole list so there's nothing for anyone else to choose or, if presented with a short list, seemingly go to a toy shop and buy the most expensive thing they can find.

I think if they were told Mil was upset they'd probably moderate or save some presents for a other time but Mil would be mortified to think they knew.

OP posts:

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Christmas
Aprilshowersinaugust · 31/08/2018 15:03

Announce all gifts to be from Santa as it should be imo!!

Immigrantsong · 31/08/2018 15:04

That's why you need to talk about this. If they know and they still do it then they are absolute knobheads. In that case, stagger days: Xmas one set, boxing day another. No biggie. And they shouldn't be buying all of the things on the list, that's just mental.

JupiterDrops · 31/08/2018 15:04

Her MiL needs to grow up and realise spending time with her GC is the main thing.

But SIL just needs to be firm with her parents.

'We've put together a list of things the kids would love. We're trying to cut down on the level of toys so we just want each of them to have w few gifts. Please buy no more than 3 off this list or we will unfortunately have to return them'

Just say they're doing the want/need/wear/read thing and only getting 4 presents each.

SilentHeadphones · 31/08/2018 15:04

First suggest to wealthy GP's they tone down the presents and put the difference in a bank account. They gift days out rather than objects.

SIL tells everyone they're having a nice peaceful Christmas alone this year.

Original poster
Bestseller · 31/08/2018 15:07

I'm not sure if I've been clear, but neither set of GPS are my parents. Poor parents are DH's and the wealthy ones are his sister's DH's parents.

It's not really (at all) my issue except that if it doesn't get resolved I'll be expected to have MIL on the every year.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 31/08/2018 15:10

I think the person deliberately excluding themselves should not be pandered to. It is possible to buy something a child loves, without it being expensive. Some of the most played with presents I've bought my dc have been about £10 - you can never really tell what a child will fall in love with. The 'poor' gp needs to take that chip off her shoulder.

Floralnomad · 31/08/2018 15:12

The GM needs to grow up .

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 31/08/2018 15:12

Don't get dragged in. Not fair for you to always have mil and doing so is likely to increase division within the family.
Showing love is about time and effort put into the relationship - it's not all about presents. I'd point that out to mil and remind her she will cutting her nose off to spite her face if she carries on.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 31/08/2018 15:13

Aprilshowersinaugust absolutely not - how do you explain this to the poor children at school with less well off family? Father Christmas brings one child loads and another child hardly any because...? Horrible and very unfair on those children who won’t understand why Father Christmas has favourites. Father Christmas should bring only token gifts, main presents from family.

OP - I think the poorer GM needs to get over it really, they’re being a bit precious. They’d rather not spend Christmas with their GC because someone else is buying them more expensive presents.

yikesanotherbooboo · 31/08/2018 15:18

I don't sympathise with poor grandma.
Children love their family without condition they don't measure by financial cost.
It is her issue.

00100001 · 31/08/2018 15:18

THe poor gn needs to grow up

The rich ones need to tone it down!

Also poor gn needs to realise that kids will eventually appreciate time over things.

Think about it, who do you know loves the person who spends money on us over the person who spends time with us?

butlerswharf · 31/08/2018 15:21

GM needs to grow up and suck it up. She's an adult sulking like a child.

HollowTalk · 31/08/2018 15:21

I think the child should understand that her GPs are in a different position - actually you could say the wealthy ones are worse off as they have fewer to buy for. And the child should be taught that you can have a lovely cheaper present just as you can have a lovely expensive one.

The richer GPs should understand, too, that it's just not done to buy everything off the list when other people can't afford to do that. They'd do better putting some money into a savings account rather than throwing money at gifts like that.

Original poster
Bestseller · 31/08/2018 15:27

I don't know wealthy GPs well but they seem nice enough.

MIL is convinced they do it deliberately to make her feel bad about but she sees that kind of behaviour in lots of people.

I think it's just that they live in completely different worlds. I expect that the only will get school feels paid and a pony before too long, which if I'm honest will give me a twinge of jealousy because her cousins, my DC will get nothing of the sort. But obviously that's my issue to deal with, it doesn't mean GPs shouldn't spend the money if that's what they want to do.

OP posts:
DaisyDreaming · 31/08/2018 15:28

Soon the child will be aware that one set have more money than others and will appreciate, also don’t kids often love even the smallest of things?, how insane to not want to spend the Christmas joy just as someone can give bigger presents than you! They should be happy to have a happy healthy granddaughter and family to spend Christmas with!

Original poster
Bestseller · 31/08/2018 15:30

MIL is also jealous of her daughter who has a far more comfort ke life than she did when her DC were small. That's completely alien to me. My parents are nothing but thrilled if things are better for me than they were for them but Mil hates it. E. G we have a detached house, she had to "manage" in a semi. Rather than being pleased for us she wants us to feel bad for her.

OP posts:
Penisbeakerismyfavethread · 31/08/2018 15:33

As above I second “the most played with things are sometimes not the most expensive”
When I Knew nothing about being an adult, finances, or anything in general, I had just started a job earning £27k/year on a fixed term contract for 9mo as Mat cover, and thought I was absolutely rolling in it (I now earn less than half of that and wish I’d saved lol) I spent hundreds on a rocking horse from John Lewis and clothes from Laura Ashley and Benetton for DNeice’s birthday. She’s hardly touched it. BIL got her a 7.99 light up flashy tummy doll, and she’s carried it around daily for about 3.5 years

LanaorAna2 · 31/08/2018 15:41

You've got more than one 5 yr old at Xmas dinner, sadly. MIL's making trouble. Don't engage, she's making a play for attention so don't give her any.

Original poster
Bestseller · 31/08/2018 15:56

Oh I agree, we DS1's best Christmas present ever was a 99p bag of plastic soldiers. He played with those for years. He still would have been more excited on the day by the big flashy toy though, so which is MIL's problem. She wants the big reaction when it's opened.

OP posts:
LusaCole · 31/08/2018 16:04

Your MIL sounds like she has a bit of a chip about this! I think your SIL needs to tell her she's being silly. But could also mention to her in-laws that their grandchild has lots of stuff and doesn't need a massive gift this year.

OrdinarySnowflake · 31/08/2018 16:12

Wealthy GPS need to be told they are making poor GPS feel bad they make poor GPS feel bad, and it looks to that side of the family that they are trying to buy dgd's affection, which of course their dc knows they are not!

Suggest they buy just one gift for Christmas day - and if they want suggestions, fine, but only one thing for Christmas day until dgd is old enough to understand that GPS have different amounts to spend.

SassitudeandSparkle · 31/08/2018 16:15

Hmm, I'm not going to make an internet diagnosis out loud but I suspect underlying health issues with this level of jealousy in MIL.

Don't pander to her. There is no reason that your niece and her other set of grandparents should have to miss out because of MIL. If the other grandparents are buying too much then that's for SIL to sort out.