Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Advice about husbands promotion

28 replies

notanaturalmum · 30/08/2018 10:34

I’ll keep this short. I have a 14 month old DS. Mumlife hasn’t come naturally to me but I’m really trying. I find it hard to entertain/play with/ just generally be around my DS. I don’t get a lot out of it. I do my best but I don’t exactly enjoy being a mum. But I’m told it gets better with time so I’m just focusing on that. I’m secretly relieved when it’s a nursery day as it means that somebody else has to deal with naps, playing, crying etc (sorry but it’s the truth)
Anyway my husband has got an opportunity to work abroad (14hr flight). No details as yet but we would probably get some sort of expat package. He’s desperate to do it, it would be a promotion and would satisfy his urge to leave the UK in search of a more meaningful life.
For starters, he’s required to go for a 2 week reccy which means I will left at home for 2 weeks.
I’m petrified as I will find so hard to be on my own with the baby for that length of time. Family support is 90 mins away so not really anyone that can come for an hour to help so I can have a break.
I don’t want to be unsupportive to him but I’m dreading it.
I know IABU if I tell him not to go, but I don’t know how I’m going to manage.
And I get that single parents do this all the time, but I presume that the majority of people look forward to spending time with their kids. I can’t truthfully say that I do.

Secondly if he gets the job, we will have to move and I’ll be in some villa on my own with the baby without family or friends whilst he is at work all day. I’m sure I will make friends and settle into expat life but I’m worried it could send me over the edge. But it’s a promotion for him so I kind of need to put up and shut up as my reasons for not wanting to go are a bit weak.
What should I do. How can I let him know that I don’t want this without looking like an unsupportive wife. I know I’m scared. Maybe I just need some stories from wise expat mumsnetters to make me feel like I can do this.
Anybody?

OP posts:
Clairetree1 · 30/08/2018 10:36

what is your job?

UpstartCrow · 30/08/2018 10:37

Those reasons are not weak. You need a life, and parenting is only for a short time out of your entire life.

Hoppinggreen · 30/08/2018 10:39

You might get some replies telling you to woman up etc etc etc but as someone who felt the same as you I totally understand
The 2 weeks will be tough but bear in mind that depending on where you move you may have a better life which could include staff ( who could help with your baby) so would it be worth just trying to get through it? Can family come and stay or can you stay there during the 2 weeks?
Also there is a Living Abroad topic on here where you might be able to get specific advice about the place you are considering moving to

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Families
Loopytiles · 30/08/2018 10:40

I would never be a “trailling spouse”.

Original poster
notanaturalmum · 30/08/2018 10:46

Ah, should have said. So I have alright career, earn 40k. But I've been given a different job since returning from Mat leave (a whole other story) so I'm thinking of leaving anyway. But finding it hard to find jobs paying the same salary. So it's not like I can use my job as a reason to stay.

OP posts:
Clairetree1 · 30/08/2018 10:49

it depends a lot on the country you are going to.

Will you legally be able to work there yourself? will you be able to find a job?

CherryPavlova · 30/08/2018 10:52

I’m going to tell you not to cut off your nose to spite your face. It is only two weeks and I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had to cope with significantly longer doing what they don’t love or even enjoy for longer term benefits.
You don’t by any chance have untreated PND, do you?
Consider whether it could be an excellent opportunity for you both and for the children. Start thinking more positively about it.

MorseandLewis · 30/08/2018 10:56

If it is Singapore or Hong Kong look very carefully at the finances. Lots of people seem to be returning as it isn’t viable any longer.

Blankiefan · 30/08/2018 10:58

Get through the 2 weeks first. Can you book more nursery sessions that week to give you some downtime? How about asking family to come and visit over the weekends to share the load?

For the longer term, I think I does depend on where youd be going. Would you be able to afford staff there? Would you work? If it's about you going there with no job or support, I'd be seriously thinking about veto-ing it.

For context, I didn't enjoy those things you mention when DD was a baby and couldn't wait to go back to work (which I did full time when she was 6 months). Now she's 5, it's entirely different but if we were with each other 24/7, I still wouldn't love it.

Loopytiles · 30/08/2018 11:13

It’s not at all U not to be willing to go. Many people are not willing to move abroad or be a trailling spouse.

£40k is a good salary. If you quit it is likely to be difficult to earn that much if / when you wish to return to work.

SAH isn’t for everyone and means you are financially dependent and take a big personal financial risk.

BarbaraofSevillle · 30/08/2018 11:20

Can you go with him on the recce, even if you have to pay for your own flight? Means you aren't on your own at home and also get to see first hand yourself what is on offer?

Original poster
notanaturalmum · 30/08/2018 11:24

@BarbaraofSevillle that was an option but I would then be on my own in the hotel for two weeks without my support network. I guess I could find parks and play gyms etc but I think I'd rather stay at home.
It's Kuala Lumpur btw.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 30/08/2018 11:30

Pointless him going on a recce if you’re unwilling to go.

fussygalore118 · 30/08/2018 11:32

I would go on the two week trip.. at least you'll have support at the weekends and evenings..and if it's a decent hotel a nanny service!
You need to see what you are potentially agreeing to....

CormoranStrike · 30/08/2018 11:37

I would go for two weeks too - form your own impressions of it as a place to live

PJBanana · 30/08/2018 11:46

Agree with pp saying why don’t you go with him for the two weeks?

It would be a great opportunity to get a feel for KL and see if you might like to live there long term.

For what it’s worth, I love KL and think it would be worthwhile seeing what it’s like.

Original poster
notanaturalmum · 30/08/2018 11:48

Hmm, you guys have a point. Maybe I should go. At least then I have my own perspective and I'm showing willing and being supportive.
And also it means I'm facing my fears rather than using them as an excuse.
My DH would never do something that I wasn't happy with but he does like to encourage me out of my comfort zone. And generally in the past, I've been alright after a period of adjustment.
So I'm sure I'll come round to the idea in time maybe?

OP posts:
EvaHarknessRose · 30/08/2018 11:50

40k is a lot to walk away from when you don’t thrive as a sahp.

Work out your career goals for next 5 years, and discuss with dh how these would work in relation to his proposed move, for instance would you have the opportunity to work or retrain in KL.Don’t throw away or dismiss your earning power in this marriage, he wouldn’t. And your work and happiness are crucial to the future functioning of your family unit.

timeisnotaline · 30/08/2018 11:50

Part of your discussion on him taking it should be what if you HATE it. It’s all great for him - new more senior job, colleagues etc, wife at home. It’s not great for you . He needs to consider being able to pack it in after a certain period or you coming back to stay with family for a month so you are less miserable ... if he goes out to drinks you get to stay home with baby like you do all day... you need to recognise that you both matter.

Loopytiles · 30/08/2018 11:59

My “comfort zone” includes financial independence and earning power.

schopenhauer · 30/08/2018 12:07

Why are you putting his feelings so far ahead of yours? Both are valid. I would try to go with him as well so you both get a feel for the place. You should just go to please him. Think about yourself here, you are important! Even if just because you will be better at looking after Ds if you’re happy. Sounds like you’re already far from your support network but if you go there you won’t habe anything.

shoelaces · 30/08/2018 12:20

I know someone who moved countries for a promotion. The company made sure they introduce them to other people in the office who have also moved countries. Like a mini ex pat community.

The spouse also made use of a few meet up groups for people in the area. Lots of new friends made this way. Try to find baby groups or something that will help steer your play time with your baby, it's a bit easier than spending every day by yourself trying to think of what else to do.

CatchingACold · 30/08/2018 13:19

It's Kuala Lumpur btw.

Ok. Have you ever been? More importantly have you been in past 5 years as it has changed beyond recognition.

Easy to get flights- actually one of the cheaper long haul places as not as popular as Singapore or HK.

Lots of great places to go for the weekend. Beach resorts a quick flight away. I used to go for the whole week whilst DH was working and he would fly down at the weekend.

KL is quite hazy and muggy and air quality isn't great.

Everyone speaks very good English in Malaysia. The people are lovely, they never seem as aggressive with their children as some local countries. They are very ambitious.

They import low paid workers and I personally find that uncomfortable. They live in poor conditions- sleep in the kitchen or on the balcony. You will probably have a maid.

IT is good.

It is a nanny state but probably a more benevolent nanny than some other countries.

Original poster
notanaturalmum · 30/08/2018 13:29

Ironically timehop has just reminded me that we were there 5 years ago as part of our honeymoon.
I did like it but I remember thinking that it could be quite isolating as an expat wife.

I'm feeling comforted by some of your thoughts/suggestions. I guess I need to remember that I'm important too and I shouldn't just live my husbands life. But I need to acknowledge that he is also allowed to have career aspirations and it would be unfair of me to hold him back because I'm scared of change.

OP posts:
CatchingACold · 30/08/2018 13:36

What do you do? I think it is possible to work there.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread