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Original poster

Can you forgive 2 affairs???

45 replies

123pops · 30/08/2018 07:51

I’ve been with my partner for just over 20 years. 3 late teens DC. Just discovered a second affair. First one (that I knew about) was 5 years ago. We worked this one out and were happier than ever for a while, however things went back to normal, not talking much or spending anytime together etc.
I am devestatsd that he’s done it again. We are talking through things and each getting individual counselling before we maybe go together.
I’m not sure things will be the same again. Am I wasting my time? Should we split now? Could I trust him again?
He’s still got the OW on his social media. Should I even have to ask for him to delete her? Why hasn’t he?
If I was a stranger reading this, then I’d probably advise to go. Not sure why I’m even contemplating staying. Probably scared of being alone and question will I cope financially.
I probably sound very weak and desperate.
I suppose I just want others opinions on coping with 2 affairs.
TIA

OP posts:
FoodGloriousFud · 30/08/2018 07:53

Nope not in a million years. I truly believe if you forgive cheating once they'll do it again as there was no real recriminations the previous time. I couldn't live my life wondering when the next time would be.

FoodGloriousFud · 30/08/2018 07:54

So for him to have done it twice I'd run like hell. You deserve more than to be treated second best.

BitchQueen90 · 30/08/2018 07:57

I couldn't forgive one let alone two.

I think to forgive one affair, he would have to be genuinely sorry and remorseful. Having another affair doesn't scream remorseful to me and to still have the OW on social media is totally disrespectful of your feelings. No way could I accept that.

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overmydeadbody · 30/08/2018 07:58

I wouldn't forgive one affair so you've already put up with more than me!!

Being single is far better than being with someone you can't trust.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 30/08/2018 08:00

He's had two affairs in 5 years? Have I understood that correctly?

I know you are scared about finances. Understandable. So find out EXACTLY what your financial position would be IF you decide to leave. This will help you separate emotion from facts.

So sorry you are going through this.

Coats Protection League threads are inspiring to help plan ahead or even what needs thinking about.

CherryCherryCherry · 30/08/2018 08:08

OP sometimes when people get caught once it gives them a fright into what they could lose and don't do it again. Others think that they will then be forgiven if they do it again. Your dh is the second one.

It might also be that he has had other affairs and just not been caught out. If it happens everytime things go sour between you then there's your answer. He can't be bothered to work on your relationship. He sounds as if he's just going through the motions. If he didn't want to be with you he should have done the decent thing and split rather than an affair. Having said all that I'm not sure you want to be with him either if you say you're spending less time together etc. Maybe cut your losses. If OW ends up with him then she will be with someone she got through cheating. She knows what shes getting and he will most likely cheat in her too even if she doesn't find out.

CherryCherryCherry · 30/08/2018 08:11

In answer to your question I couldn't forgive one affair but I could understand it if someone could but two? No way. Imo he doesn't care enough about you to not do it again.

Nofoollikeanoldfool · 30/08/2018 08:26

I have posted in relationships about my situation.

I did forgive, the second affair being ,in 2013.
He stopped drjnking, promised it would never happen again.

I found WhatsApp messages from a colleague a few weeks ago. And whilst I don't think it's sexual the frequency and tone are too much. He messaged her whilst on holiday.

I've left him. Be very wary -these men don't charge.

SparklyGlitterPants · 30/08/2018 08:56

So sorry you're going through this again op. It's utterly demoralising isn't it? I forgave the first not the second, although I didn't find out about the second for nearly two years. That one started just before I gave birth to our second child and was still going on when I found out about it.

He was out of the house by the end of the week. It left me with two under 5 on my own with no maintenance or childcare available to go back to work. We lived away from family and he didn't want me working after I had the second child as it wasn't worth it by the time we paid for childcare etc.

My advice to you is get ready to split up with him. Do not leave the family home, get any and all paperwork you could possibly need (payslips, bank statements ect), only when you have copies of these then you chuck him out on his ear.

It's not going to be easy by any means but it will be worth it. Your life will be yours to do what you want/need to for yourself instead of spending it worrying about who he is with now or if he's really working late and so on.
Good luck and some very unmumsnetty hugs to you.

RatRolyPoly · 30/08/2018 09:21

Oh OP, what a git.

You absolutely can forgive 2 affairs, at least it's possible for some people. But I would advise you only giving it a shot if you're resigned to him having more and you forgiving those too. That's kind of the deal you'd be making, giving you tacit approval regardless of what you might say on the subject. That wouldn't be for me.

One is one thing, two is a statement of how your relationship is going to be from here on in. Is that the relationship you want to be in? If it isn't, don't be in it. Don't consign yourself to suffering. If it is, no judgement from me, but if you ever change your mind you can always leave him for this. Always. In one year, three years, ten years; whenever that little voice screams inside you "I deserve more than this!" you can still leave.

Good luck.

Carrrotsandcauliflower · 30/08/2018 09:22

no.

mostdays · 30/08/2018 09:25

I wouldn't have forgiven the first.
He will keep doing this. Only you can know whether you can live with that. I couldn't.

Sitranced · 30/08/2018 09:27

I wouldn't have forgiven the first nevermind a second.

Fooferella · 30/08/2018 09:31

My DF was a serial cheater. He cheated on my DM. She kicked him to the curb and then he went on to cheat on my DSM with multiple woman over 30 years of marriage. He got caught a few times but she stayed for some reason. He even introduced me to his last affair Shock. He told DSM he was impotent whilst shagging his brains out with his bit on the side.
He won't change OP. DF thought he was entitled to Shag whomever he chose. Is your DH in that camp?

NonaGrey · 30/08/2018 09:33

I’m so sorry OP

You saw forgiving the first as a sign of strength. He saw it as a sign of weakness. A sign that you’d always forgive him.

If you know about two, I’d suspect there were more.

Get yourself to a solicitor (quietly) and work out what you’d be entitled to.

I’m afraid you also need to visit your GP or GUM clinic if you haven’t already.

anotherangel2 · 30/08/2018 09:40

I think I would want to forgive one incident but I don’t think I would ever he happy in the relationship again.

An affair no, two affairs no way.

If you forgive all you are doing is giving him the green light to continue to have affairs and you will constantly worrying what he was up to, will he get and sti, get someone pregnant or leave you. I could not cope with that.

LemonBreeland · 30/08/2018 09:43

I think the question is why would you want to forgive two affairs?

OutPinked · 30/08/2018 09:45

Nope, I wouldn’t forgive one.

sofato5miles · 30/08/2018 09:48

A lot of people who say they would never forgive one affair, do just that and stay, often happily after time.

Two affairs is a different kettle of fish. That would be too difficult for many.

letsdolunch321 · 30/08/2018 09:57

NO, NO, NO

Forgiving once was a big mistake, shred his clothes and send him packing.

thebear1 · 30/08/2018 10:00

He has put you through the pain of one affair and no doubt seen the impact it has had yet done it again. No way could I forgive or be with someone like that.

RestingBitchFaced · 30/08/2018 10:02

Not a chance! He has zero respect for you. It doesn't sound like he even cares to be honest, sorry OP, I would walk away

MaryandMichael · 30/08/2018 10:02

Fuck counselling.
See a solicitor and get your life sorted, for you, without him.
You first, from now on.
Don't even listen to him, consider him, or allow him space in your head.
He isn't going to change.

GinIsIn · 30/08/2018 10:05

Not a chance. I’m so sorry but if you know about 2 in the last 5 years and have been together 20 then these 2 weren’t the first.

Put yourself first.

Original poster
123pops · 30/08/2018 10:37

Thank you so much everyone. I’m over whelmed by the response.
Not one single person has said stay and try and work through it - wow!
Think he just wanted/wants the excitement of feeling in love again. It’s hard trying to keep it exciting after so long together and everything that goes with family life. I don’t need to go into details but I’m sure you all get the picture, eg getting bogged down with the mundane things in life. He was feeling unloved and there she was, his ray of sunshine, 17 years younger, no kids or comitments and everything perfect and on a plate for him. How exciting. How Could he resist her and how could I even try to compete with her.
Makes me sick thinking about it. How could he do it again?
Thing is, he’s not begging forgiveness and have just seen he’s recently “liked” an Instagram pic of hers. Totally disrespectful.
I feel I’m a strong person normally but this is the hardest thing I’ve been through.
Why do some women feel it’s ok to be the OW? Where is their self respect?

OP posts: