Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Can you forgive 2 affairs???

45 replies

123pops · 30/08/2018 07:51

I’ve been with my partner for just over 20 years. 3 late teens DC. Just discovered a second affair. First one (that I knew about) was 5 years ago. We worked this one out and were happier than ever for a while, however things went back to normal, not talking much or spending anytime together etc.
I am devestatsd that he’s done it again. We are talking through things and each getting individual counselling before we maybe go together.
I’m not sure things will be the same again. Am I wasting my time? Should we split now? Could I trust him again?
He’s still got the OW on his social media. Should I even have to ask for him to delete her? Why hasn’t he?
If I was a stranger reading this, then I’d probably advise to go. Not sure why I’m even contemplating staying. Probably scared of being alone and question will I cope financially.
I probably sound very weak and desperate.
I suppose I just want others opinions on coping with 2 affairs.
TIA

OP posts:

RestingBitchFaced · 30/08/2018 10:48

Who gives a shit what HE wants/feels - he's a cheating lying bastard, put yourself first OP. You only get one life, don't waste any more of it on him

maxthemartian · 30/08/2018 10:51

Oh OP. He's not even sorry.

golddustwomen · 30/08/2018 10:51

I wouldn't even forgive one affair. For me the trust would be gone and never ever come back. You forgave him then for him to do it again is completely disgusting. I'm so sorry your going through this but he has no respect for you whatsoever. You deserve better than him.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

NonaGrey · 30/08/2018 10:52

How Could he resist her and how could I even try to compete with her.

He should have been able to resist her because he’s a decent person.

You shouldn’t need to compete with her, he’s meant to love you and be your best friend. That should eclipse a little excitement and a pretty face.

He isn’t begging you for forgiveness because he doesn’t think he needs to.

He thinks he can do this over and over and you’ll forgive him and keep washing his socks.

As for her, he’ll have spun her a huge web of lies all about how dreadful you are, how you neglect him, never sleep with him, are a horrible bitch he’s just staying with for the kids. She’ll have believed him because she’s an idiot.

She isn’t the issue though. He is. His lack of respect for you is truly breathtaking.

I’m so very sorry.

pcrumbs · 30/08/2018 11:14

How could he resist her and how could I even try to compete with her.
You shouldn't need to compete with her. There should be no competition; you are his wife (or long term partner).
A wife/ long term partner is worth so much more than some young fling. You have supported him through ups and downs, been there through the exciting, boring and difficult times, have forgiven him for things that many wouldn't.
You are amazing, do not devalue yourself like this. You are worthy of someone who recognises your worth and who respects you. This man does not respect or value you. If he did he would not treat you so poorly. After one affair which you forgave him for he has disrespected you by putting you through this again. He believes that you have so little self worth that you will forgive him again. Please don't. You are worth so much more.
If you stay when the next young thing comes along he will do exactly the same. This is because he believes there are no consequences for him and he cares more about his immediate urges than whether he hurts you. This is how little he thinks of you.

I would be having a look at getting your finances in order and preparing to leave him. This could be a whole new start for you. Perhaps a new career? You could start a new hobby and see friends more. The future is in your hands and it can be an exciting one.

Original poster

123pops · 30/08/2018 11:33

Pcrumbs - brought a tear to my eye. Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot.
I need to get in the same frame of mind as you. I will get there, just need time xxx

OP posts:

GinIsIn · 30/08/2018 11:34

It’s not the woman’s fault though, is it? It’s HIS. Where is your self respect?

GinIsIn · 30/08/2018 11:35

You are worth more than some dick who thinks it’s ok to do this to you more than once.

TheVanguardSix · 30/08/2018 11:35

The writing's on the wall, OP.
2 affairs in the past 5 years.
Your partner has checked out of your relationship and isn't investing in it. Who'd forgive or want that?

JacNaylor · 30/08/2018 11:37

I'm so sorry op this sounds like a horrible situation for you!!
No I wouldn't stay though, I wouldn't stay for one and certainly not for two. I think at this point he will definitely do it again as he has "got away" with it twice.... sorry.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 30/08/2018 11:40

Why do some women feel it’s ok to be the OW? Where is their self respect?

Where's yours? Sorry but you need to see this for what it is, he's not sorry and he's liking her stuff on Instagram that shows terrible disrespect, if you forgive this again he'll do it again.

Show him who you are, show him you're worth more than this shit.

BewareOfDragons · 30/08/2018 11:44

Thing is, he’s not begging forgiveness and have just seen he’s recently “liked” an Instagram pic of hers. Totally disrespectful.

Completely disrespectful, you're right. He feels entitled to cheat: you forgave him, he's still there, he's done it again, and you haven't reacted by telling him to get out, stopping contact, kicking off, etc. He sees you as a doormat.

See a solicitor. Start looking at the bank accounts, etc. Get copies of everything and start protecting yourself.

IrianOfW · 30/08/2018 11:54

No.

He saw how much pain he caused you the first time but still did it again, he isn't worth keeping.

Sorry.

MotherofTerriers · 30/08/2018 11:57

Quietly collect everything - evidence of the affair, payslips, all assets, pensions etc. Quietly find a good solicitor
I think you may find that your financial rights are stronger whilst you have dependent children living at home. If yours are late teens this may not be such a long time. Once they have left you are less likely to get any form of maintenance and he can argue that you don't need to keep the family home. He may then ramp up the affairs.
I'd get rid now - you deserve much better than this

areyoubeingserviced · 30/08/2018 12:05

As others have said , I couldn’t forgive one, but understand that there may be ‘reasons’ for one affair. Having two affairs shows that he couldn’t give a toss
You need to leave him

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/08/2018 12:08

Oh tell him to fuck off OP. How dare he do that to you again. Like pp I wouldn't have forgiven the first affair let alone number 2.

mouthkisses · 30/08/2018 12:28

I think a good person/husband/wife can have an affair. But it's catastrophic and it takes a lot to get a marriage back on an even keel. To do it twice suggests either a fundamental personality issue or a disregard for the integrity of the marriage. If he wants to save your relationship he'll be determined to get to the bottom of why he is having affairs and will be committed to you and your wishes at this time. If he isn't, then I'd suggest you take your time to figure out how best to dissolve your marriage. You've given him a second chance, a third chance absolutely has to be earned.

amusedbush · 30/08/2018 12:33

Could I forgive it? Maybe.

Would I? Not a chance in hell.

The guy has absolutely no respect for you. He's a lying, cheating waste of space and you'd be better off alone than with someone who treats you so poorly.

PinkHeart5914 · 30/08/2018 12:41

Well I wouldn’t forgive 1, DH putting his cock elsewhere is my red line he ever crosses it and we are done.

Thing is you forgave once and in return he has treated you like a doormat and done it again. So ffs respect yourself and walk away becuase he is never going to respect you

happinessischocolate · 30/08/2018 12:49

I forgave my ex for the first affair, mainly because I'd just found out I was pregnant and didn't want to be a single mum, 2 years later, pregnant again and he stayed out one night, I didn't even ask where he'd been I just changed the locks and kicked him out. Still don't know if he was having an affair or not and quite frankly I don't care, it's now 14 years later and Ive raised the kids on my own whilst he's gone through about 8 different girlfriends, and been unfaithful to all of them.

Get your finances sorted and move on.

Flip

1 2