If you have been bereaved....

[JacNaylor]

Can I please ask, if you have lost somebody very close to you EG spouse, child.was there anything that your friends did or said that helped a bit?
I have a very dear friend who has recently lost her dp in extremely difficult circumstances. They're both young and it will be massively life changing for her. I've done the usual, sent flowers, offered love and best wishes, a listening ear might or day, practical help etc, but as time passes I'm conscious that we are forgetting (to a certain extent) and moving on with our lives. I'm also conscious that I want to support her and let her know I'm there, but not pester her. So, my question, if you have been this person, what meant the most to you? How can I best be a good friend to this person? Thank you.

Regular/ frequent txt or whatsapp messages.
I had so many days I couldn't speak. Getting a short message just letting me know someone was thinking of me really helped.

Food shop? Just dropping round but not staying, any small act of kindness is magnified x 100000 some flowers, wine.... Film....

Remember difficult days and anniversaries.
People do move on. We understand that. But it is painful because we can never really move on. The pain and grief never leaves us.

You are such a lovely friend. Just be there consistently. Keep offering to meet for coffee, a meal or a chat. Drop off a casserole or a cake. Just keep being there. Either people aren't there to start with or they are for a bit then fall by the wayside.

Out of allmy friends only 2 kept contact. One would email me every week the other would text at night. Bith would dsy dont expect a reply so dont worry if you're up to it. Another dropped off wine and flowers which I thought was bizarre.

Weekly phone call. Made a huge difference even if I couldn't really talk much, just that feeling of not being forgotten (and my DH not being forgotten either, it helped when other people kept mentioning him as they would have before). Prob not flowers - you get enough of them post funeral - but occasional postcards? Also if you're close enough to them to know anniversaries (wedding, first meeting etc) then a quick note to say you're extra thinking of them on those days. DH died at 28. Nothing was going to make it better, but a small group of people who stubbornly stayed in touch when I was bloody awful to be around made it possible to keep going.

There's a chance they may go through a slightly mad stage of wanting to try weird and wonderful activities in case one helps them forget / feel better - if you can join in any of those, that would help too

I lost my dh 3 months ago. The best thing my friends have done has been to accept that i can carry on "relatively normally'. It sounds stupid, but with 2 little dc to look after just being invited to the park/zoo/whatever has been great. I don't want to be treated like a broken china doll. Its happened, its shit but we have to carry on. But i do realise not everyone thinks or feels the same.

Lovely of you to want to be a good friend xx

Make suggestions for calling round, meeting for coffee etc.

I read something a while ago about how when you’re bereaved lots of people say ‘let me know if you need anything.’ That puts the onus onto the person to reach out and when you’re down you don’t always have that energy or want to put it on other people.

I don’t know if that makes sense. Please just stay in touch with her and don’t shy away. Thanks for being a good friend to her.

I lost my husband in June. Purely just keep being there. Everyone goes back to their normal lives which is expected but you do feel rather left out when that happens. Whilst their out socialising as norm that's not in their headspace. But a text or a call and they will know your thinking of them.
Also talk to them like normal and ask normal questions like "do you have any plans for the weekend" if they have children it's likely
As a pp said that their lives will still
Be functioning on a level.

When we lost DD a few people delivered food - something that just needed heating up. One friend arranged a regular coffee meet up of a group of our friends to make sure we kept in touch.
The thing that touched me most was those people who remembered the 1st anniversary of DD's death without any prompting and send me messages that day.

A number of people offered to meet for coffee/lunch/weekend away but never got back in touch to organise anything.

Not much to add but I am sorry for all of your losses. I think consistent contact would be one of the life lines. Calling every week even if they don't pick up etc.

I found you get an initial flurry of offers for help/support that then disappeared as quickly as it arrived. Time moves very slowly when you're wading through the quicksand of grief, and I'd have really appreciated someone just saying "how are you hanging in there" or stopping for a chat months down the line. Six months after he'd died, it was like my son had never existed .

Agree, just keep in touch. Regular text to let her know you are thinking of her and support around his birthday, first Xmas without him, anniversary of his death. Also help/ no judgement when or if she starts to think about moving on in the future.

Yes to everything above. Go round and see you friend and ask how they are. When they answer, ask how they really are. Talk about their DP and keep the memories alive by chatting.

Remember anniversary/birthday and be prepared to talk about them. For me I hated the fact that my babies became the elephant in the room and people talked about anything but them.

Just keep in contact.. don’t always wait for her to reply before replying yourself. My ex husband died and that was bad enough.
Did they have kids? Offer practical support if so..
My lovely friend rocked up with lasagne, gin and her kids to stay for the evening then left the leftovers for my freezer. That was Priceless ...
People do forget after a while so letting her know you’re thinking of her is important. You sound a lovely friend btw!

Just keep in touch. I actually found out who my true friends were when dd died.

Couple of things. When my dad died my boss told me to drop our dog off at his house and his family would look after him for a week. That was such a kind gesture and made everything so easy (family lived 200 miles away). Just a practical, thoughtful act.

My younger sister died earlier this year. People were so kind but what I really appreciated were the messages that came weeks later - when I was just beginning to grieve as I had been so busy with the funeral, looking after her children, sorting her stuff etc. It was so lovely to know that people cared. It was especially nice when people would recognise her in some way - even if they didn't know her. One lovely friend took a photo from facebook of us both, had it printed and framed and gave it to me. That was lovely.

Regular messages that don't necessarily need a response, occasion cards or anything really that acknowledged my bereavement and that my loved one (DD in me case) was still remembered x

Messages that don’t need a response is a rally good Idea. I just wanted to be left alone, but at the same time needed to know that i wasn’t alone. Nobody is all that rational when they’re grieving.

Agree with lots of the suggestions above.

I lost my DP two years ago and so many people promise to be there but tail off. Continue to be there for her, lots of people say 'let me know if you need anything' but from experience it's so difficult to reach out. So be specific- if you're going shopping call/text and say I'm going to Tesco can I get you anything?
Do you need me to come round for coffee and a chat?
She might go through periods where she doesn't reply or is feeling too sad/numb to get in touch with you. Don't take this personally or think she doesn't want to talk - just reassure her you're there when she needs to talk and keep in touch.

Food is also a good shout - my health and diet went out the window as I couldn't be bothered to prepare food / cook for one. Something that can be reheated easily if she doesn't fancy it straight away.

Take cues from her - I desperately wanted someone to talk about my DP -people avoided it because they thought it would upset. But I guess not everyone May feel this way!

You sound like a good friend - you already acknowledged that people are 'forgetting' in a way and moving on - that was a difficult part for me. Just keep being there for her - the odd present or card just to let her know you haven't forgotten. Try and remember anniversaries/birthdays and her first Christmas without him - she'll appreciate that someone else remembers. Xx

Thanks everybody! This is really helpful and I'm sorry for all of your losses.

I had lots of offers for nights out, text me if you need me etc then one friend phoned and said we're going out Wednesday I'll pick you up! Was a long time ago know but I really appreciated it and was very grateful . I appreciate that might not be right for everyone though.

I appreciated it when people gave me a chance to speak about the person I’d lost. It’s not upsetting if you bring them up, they are always in your mind anyway. It’s good to reminisce about the fun times you shared.

Firstly, what a fab friend you are. I was a mess when I lost someone. I was young-ish (22) and most things people said, although well intentioned, were not helpful (you're young - you'll get over it etc) The most helpful words were from my auntie - 'be who you need to be and do what you need to do, including laughing, there is no right or wrong when turmoil takes over'. The best practical help was my flatmate who made many untouched meals for me.
Also, talking to me like a normal person whilst not ignoring what had happened.
I agree with PP's - messages of support that don't need responding to, and just checking in occasionally, long after most people have forgotten (like three weeks!)