If you have been bereaved....

[JacNaylor]

Can I please ask, if you have lost somebody very close to you EG spouse, child.was there anything that your friends did or said that helped a bit?
I have a very dear friend who has recently lost her dp in extremely difficult circumstances. They're both young and it will be massively life changing for her. I've done the usual, sent flowers, offered love and best wishes, a listening ear might or day, practical help etc, but as time passes I'm conscious that we are forgetting (to a certain extent) and moving on with our lives. I'm also conscious that I want to support her and let her know I'm there, but not pester her. So, my question, if you have been this person, what meant the most to you? How can I best be a good friend to this person? Thank you.

My father died on my 15th birthday.
Agree with people who say in the first 3:4 weeks the outpouring of generosity is amazing, it’s being there down the line. I broke down when I bought my first house 11 years after, with money he had left me because he couldn’t see it and approve of it for me.
Not treating people like lepers.

I think the best thing is making it 100% clear you’ve got their back and they can talk to you but otherwise still treating them like your friend

One thing that was lacking even from my nearest and dearest when deaths happened was that none of them touched me. I know that sounds strange but I would have very much appreciated a hug or a hand on my arm or shoulder. Literally no-one touched me in any manner of physical contact. It was hard to cope with and eventually I got to the stage where I really wanted even the least amount of human contact but feared anyone touching me as it may have been too overwhelming and I might burst into tears.
I appreciate people remembering those I lost. So try to mention her DP with an anecdote or something like a recollection of something personal like the colour of his eyes or smart clothes.
Try to help with food. Go round with a pie or a plated meal and sit and eat some with her while chatting. I would have liked someone to be at the table with me.

@Stillme1 that's so sad, I wonder why that was? But useful to hear so thank you for sharing.

I was the complete opposite of Stillme1. When my dd died I couldn't cope with anyone touching me. I used to dread the thought of anyone trying to cuddle me, as a knew I would break down.

When my DD died I appreciated all the hugs from friends. I did break down but I was crying most of the time anyway. Perhaps offer a hug and see if it is accepted?

Jac - some family are old style British stiff upper lip. Younger ones are trying to show how tough they are. It hurt most that the younger ones didnt seem to understand my losses. It seems part of their way of life

Spotting I did try to discuss it with one younger person. I was told to hug one of the babies both under a year. Clearly didnt get the point.
Would never bring the subject up again

I can kinda answer this, but as the friend rather than the directly bereaved.

I lost a close friend and have been supporting her husband and kids. I cooked for them on occasion, invited them round, messaged regularly and helped when asked. The husband has said many times that many other of his "friends" (and the deceased's for that matter) haven't helped at all. Originally I acted out of a kind of duty as the friend asked me to keep an eye on her husband and look after them all after she died. But now I can honestly count him as one of my best friends. I am very fond of him and the kids. In fact, we recently took a holiday together - my DH, friend, and all of our kids.

So in sum, just be helpful and present. And message often. Remember important dates.

Regular contact with no need for a response