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Original poster

Does this sound normal for an almost 6 year old, please?

37 replies

LoudestRoar · 28/08/2018 21:02

DS seems to be struggling with anxiety in certain situations.

A few examples include
-agreeing to go to a birthday party, but when we get there, he cries and refuses to take part.

  • had to give up Karate lessons, as it would take half the lesson to convince ds to go in each week.
-Won't go upstairs and play by himself -Cries and worries about days out (but will enjoy it once we get there)

I suffer from anxiety myself, and hate to think he's internally worrying about every thibng, as I know what it feels like. However, I'm also torn between letting him not do certain things, and trying to convince him to take part, knowing that he'll love it. The parties for example, 1( I know he'll enjoy it if given a chance, and 2) if he said yes to the invite, I feel he should make the effort, as someone is paying for him to be there.
Any advice please?

OP posts:
MrsJonesAndMe · 28/08/2018 21:13

My DS is very shy, but this sounds like more than that. Can you chat to school about how he is there/what support can be offered?

GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough · 28/08/2018 21:15

I have a 6 year old and know a few and no this doesn't seem normal behaviour. Maybe a trip to the gp may help. sorry he's going through this I suffer from anxiety as well and it's not nice

Fireworks91 · 28/08/2018 21:16

Mine would have both been similar around parties and classes.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Behaviour & development Families
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 28/08/2018 21:18

I have a six year old and no, this doesn’t seem normal to me. Truth be told, mine is naturally very gregarious but his brothers aren’t - however even at six they wouldn’t have cried at parties or have to spend ages being cajoled into an enjoyable experience.

WallisFrizz · 28/08/2018 21:19

Whilst I don’t think it’s the norm, it’s not necessarily cause for alarm either. He sounds very shy/introverted which are normal characteristics. Worth keeping an eye on and speaking to his teacher about though.

Wobblington · 28/08/2018 21:27

My DS was like this other than crying about days out (although my DS is a homebird and will nearly always pick a home day to going out). He's now nearly 7 and a lot better because these things are just generally more familiar to him. I used to take him to birthday parties and make sure he was one of the first to arrive. This helped a lot. I also declined the invites thst were out of his comfort zone where everything would be new and kept instead to the usual soft play / home party type invites. I also minimise the anticipation - sometimes I don't tell him until the day of the event as I find anxiety has less time to build in him that way

SweetheartNeckline · 28/08/2018 21:29

My eldest goes through phases of this kind of anxiety. She was also around 6 when she realised the world doesn't revolve around her - that I didn't cease to exist when I dropped her off at school - and tbh it did hit her hard. She's also an introvert (I'm really, really not but she explained "it feels like my energy gets spent when I have to do talking to other people"). I suppose the bottom line is she'd always rather be with me. She is also emetophobic and a lot of her issues stem from worries about what would happen if she was sick away from home (she was sick at school once which seemed to spark this off.)

What worked for us was being kind but firm - "this is what's happening, I know it's not what you'd choose and I'm proud of you for trying something new". We also got some mindfulness cards from Scope and worked through a few together.

It sounds pretty normal to me tbh and at nearly 7 I can now leave DD at a party (as long as I go back in bags of time for the end) and she doesn't cry at gymnastics any more. Some children just feel things deeply.

KatyN · 28/08/2018 21:33

My nearly 7 year old is the most gregarious chatter ever. He will talk got anyone and has amazing social skills.
But a couple of summers ago he went really shy, just as you describe. Never wanted to leave the house, would cry at parties, just soooo sad. We let it go, did small local things to build up his confidence. It came back. He’s much happier again now.

Original poster
LoudestRoar · 28/08/2018 21:43

I always give praise when he tries something new, and I've started not telling him about certain things until they are happening, as he just constantly asks me questions about it.
I'll keep an eye, and once he's been back at school for a week or so, I'll mention it to his teachers, and see what they say.
I've also tried to give him a bit more freedom, and he is allowed to play out the front of our house (being checked on by me Smile ) Which I'm hoping will help with his confidence.
I don't want it to get to the same stage it is with me, and guess I'm worried I've somehow passed it onto him. However, the difference I guess, is that I can easily get help if that's what's needed, which wasn't avaliable to me when I was younger.
Wish I could take any worries away from him....

OP posts:
StubbleTurnips · 28/08/2018 21:49

DD is 5 and can be like this, we've got her 2 books by Molly Potter recently which are helping - What's worrying you and How are you feeling. We thought it might make her worse but she's bought in and has been using them.

Original poster
LoudestRoar · 28/08/2018 21:51

Thanks StubbleTurnips I'll check those out...

OP posts:
OytheBumbler · 28/08/2018 21:57

Both my DC are (were) like this to some extent. The youngest is only now at 7 leaving my side at parties.

I just try and provide as much reassurance and presence as I can.

Sarahani · 28/08/2018 22:14

My 6 year old is the same.

agreeing to go to a birthday party, but when we get there, he cries and refuses to take part. This happens a lot to most the kids in his class. I find going early, staying by his side for the first 20 mins until he's comfortable helps ease him in.

  • had to give up Karate lessons, as it would take half the lesson to convince ds to go in each week. I had this with swimming. I stopped and gave it a break then restarted in smaller lessons with no problems

-Won't go upstairs and play by himself. This one drives my insane but I find if I go up with him and he then occupies himself I can go down stairs again with out any protests.

-Cries and worries about days out (but will enjoy it once we get there) Same. I used to try and talk him through what would happen, the fun we'd have but it just made it worse! Now I just say to keep an open mind, then reinforce how much fun we had and that I always plan thing he'll enjoy because I like making him happy.

Sundance2741 · 28/08/2018 22:19

Is there any kind of trauma in his background? My dd was like this at that age but she is adopted and experienced trauma for the first 2 years of her life. I coaxed her through everything -staying beside her as necessary - and though still prone to anxiety, she now deals well with everything you mention.

JeSuisPrest · 28/08/2018 22:30

My DD is/was like this. I'd recommend doing some reading around "highly sensitive child" and see if any of the other traits ring a bell. There are some very useful threads in the behaviour/development topic.

PorkFlute · 28/08/2018 23:14

I’d just take the pressure off. Don’t make him go to clubs if e cries and don’t make him play upstairs.
At parties let him sit with you until he had the confidence to join in. Give him lots of info about days out and show him pictures etc. Encourage him to try and reassure him that pure sure it will be fun but if he’s not enjoying it you can come home - even if you know he will enjoy it when he gets there.

puppymouse · 28/08/2018 23:21

I know she's younger but DD almost 5 is very like this. Has declined party invites in favour of staying at home, rarely joins in until well over halfway through a party, won't join in if kids are running around playing. It frustrates me but I was exactly the same. She's currently busy fretting about our trip to Disneyworld as she doesn't want to have to have her photo taken with the 🧐"dressed up people like Winnie the Pooh." 🙈

Spudina · 28/08/2018 23:40

You have pretty much described DD1. Similar age. She takes ages to warm up and leave me at birthday parties, and won't play in her room. She got herself in a state about our proposed holiday to abroad, crying about not wanting to fly/go on a boat/in a tunnel. Worries about days out we plan. Has a phobia about doors being shut, generally being away from us .....I could go on. We are making some small progress but essentially she worries about everything. I have contemplated seeing the school nurse, but things improved a bit at the end of term so I didn't. We have concentrated on building her confidence in certain things, which seems to help with confidence generally. So despite all of the above, she is a pretty good rock climber and bike rider! And knowing she can do those things helps her to tackle new things. You could try speaking to the school nurse? Worry time can be very effective. You set a time each day for e.g. 15 minutes at the same time each day, especially to talk about worries. And the rest of the day, you don't dwell on things but save them for worry time. Good luck with it. It's hard to watch.

Witchend · 28/08/2018 23:46

Ds was a bit like that at that age. He's now 11yo and he still isn't keen on new things or changes, but it's clearly just personality nothing more.

Shadow1986 · 28/08/2018 23:50

I have a 6 year old and yes she cries at parties sometimes, and finds certain situations difficult. She cries most days going into school as well. We try and do rewards to encourage not crying as most the time she enjoys the thing I’m trying to get her to do so the crying is so unnecessary so we try and reward when she tries new things/doesn’t cry etc.

Original poster
LoudestRoar · 29/08/2018 07:27

Sounds like ds is not the only one then. I'll keep an eye out, and as said before, speak to one of his teachers.
Sundance no trauma to him, however,I've had to seek help recently for my own anxiety, which was presenting itself as anger.
DS was like this before, but I'm wondering if this is what he's been picking up on for a while?

OP posts:
bambootwentytwo · 29/08/2018 07:40

My dd is just starting to come out of a phase like this. She’s nearly 9 and it’s been going on since she was 6/7. She stopped all clubs and was especially worried about school trips.
What worked (ish) with her was taking the pressure off most things but being fairly firm about the basics. Allowing a short period of worrying time was also useful and she used/uses children’s meditation cds to go to sleep with.
She went for her first sleepover last week and asked to go to a new friend’s house before that. Both would have been unthinkable this time last year.
She’s also gradually started doing clubs again but still worries about being left there and wouldn’t contemplate a whole day of holiday club.
I’ve accepted that this is mostly personality but I’m proud that she’s managed to overcome some of the more restrictive aspects.

MsAwesomeDragon · 29/08/2018 07:40

My DD is like this. She's getting much better now, but she's 8.

We had a couple of years during reception and year 1 where she didn't join in with parties unless it was soft play in the places we went to regularly. So we stopped accepting invitations to anywhere else. During her own parties, she hid under the table when we sang happy birthday!!

We had problems with swimming lessons, so we ended up paying for individual lessons for a while, which didn't really improve her swimming but did improve her confidence enough to go back to group lessons (with the same instructor). And rainbows, I had to stay with her, in fact I became a helper. By the time she was 7 she just about managed brownies by herself but she still cried about it for a few weeks (and I became a leader after a couple of months).

She still doesn't go upstairs to play. She plays in the living room. That's ok, as long as she tidies up afterwards.

How is he with school? Does he find new teachers difficult to cope with ( mine does)? We bought a couple of books which helped, "the big bag of worries" and "what to do when you worry too much". And she has a meditation app that she listens to at bedtime which also helps.

Original poster
LoudestRoar · 29/08/2018 08:05

He started school last year, and spent the whole summer anxious about it. After the first day though, he was fine, and this summer, has been excited to go back, so that's one thing at least.
He's ok with new teachers luckily too

OP posts:
EleanorLavish · 29/08/2018 08:24

My DS (6) wasn’t like this but has become like this over the last year. Refuses to go on play dates unless I come too, same with extra curricular stuff. Gets very panicky/cries when I leave him at school. Always wants to be by my side, day and night if possible.
I am organising some CBT to see if it helps.