Young toddler routine and group ‘holiday’

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We’re currently on ‘holiday’ visiting my in laws. It’s an annual thing as they live a flight away and otherwise we’d never see them.

I’m frustrated yet again, because they cannot seem to grasp that a baby/toddler needs to nap at relatively fixed times each day, and has a bedtime that can’t be moved hours later to suit their own plans. We are now on DC3 so we’ve had almost ten years of “oh she’ll just fall asleep when she’s tired”, “I know you say she’s hungry at 12pm but we have lunch at 1.30pm so she can play until then”, “no one eats before 8pm here, all these other kids just stay up until 11pm, she’ll just sleep in later”.

Our kids have never “just fallen asleep” when they are tired. They just get totally overtired and hysterical. They never sleep later if they go to bed late, they just wake at 6pm exhausted. I don’t know many kids who can wait almost two hours after their usual lunchtime for a meal.

So we either have an exhausted, miserable baby, or huffy in-laws who are cross at how precious and inflexible we are. DH is stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’m up all night with the kids anyway as none of them sleep well, so I’m exhausted and just want a bit of peace in the day and all I’m doing is placating a baby that needs more rest! Or alternatively putting my foot down and being a kill joy. Everyone wants to do everything together (apart from me!)

How do others manage this? Do I just suck it up? It’s no holiday...

*6am

I've put my foot down on holidays with the inlaws. They are lovely but we'll be on no more holidays with them for the exact same reason. Our excuse is that the next holiday is being chosen by ds1 (age 8, so will involve a water park!). Hope you get some rest some time.

Can you give them a snack before a late lunch? In that situation, I’ve given baby/toddler something to eat at say 12, put them down for a nap then ate my lumch with everyone at 1.30, given them another snack or leftover lunch when they woke up.

Can’t you just put them to bed at their usual time? Give them dinner earlier if you need to.

Some kids are happy to be flexible but if yours aren’t, you just need to get on with what you’re doing. You don’t need in-laws permission to give them food/put them to bed when you think, etc. The comments must be annoying but just ignore them or keep saying ‘yes, I do wish they were more flexible but some kids aren’t and there’s nothing I can do’.

Surely it’s a better holiday if you put them to bed then stay up with everyone for dinner/drinks,etc.

My outlaws are the same (unfortunately they don’t live abroad). I find having reason to generally loathe them helps me breezily not give a shit about their schedule and quite rightly focus on my kids’. My kids didn’t ask to be there.

Put your foot down. Let them be the ones to suck it up.

Unfortunately it sounds like you will have to put your foot down.

Mine was exactly like this when they were younger. To the point where we had to get back to the caravan for 6 on holiday so they could go to bed.

My mum and nan couldn't understand why I didn't let them just fall asleep on the pushchair.

Because they won't!!! They just get more tired, more cranky and makes things miserable for everyone.

Now they are older, I can be more flexible

I think we may have the same in-laws! It drives me insane.
Mine are 4 and 3 now and I think they’ve finally realised I’m not going to budge. They still think I’m anal and uptight though... I don’t care. My children are miserable if their routine isn’t vaguely adhered to. MIL will say ‘oh don’t worry, we don’t mind if they’re grumpy for an hour or two until lunch’. No of course they bloody don’t as they’re not the ones dealing with it! Last time we went they suggested taking the DC (then 4 and 2) to an open air cinema showing... which started at 11pm and finished at 1am.
And breathe .
Honestly I’ve just stuck to my guns. It’s our holiday too and we stick with what’s easiest.

SoyDora, it’s actually a relief to hear I’m not the only one! The cinema, yep that sounds like something that’d be put forward as a lovely idea

The problem with putting the baby/kids to bed is all entertainment and meals are either at their place, or out. If it was a shared villa type arrangement obviously we could just do that. PIL would never go for it due to cost. Everyone has to come to where they are...

Yeah we always stay at their place too, they won’t hear of us doing it any other way!

I think I must have been lucky as my dc were fairly flexible as youngsters. Would eat and sleep in most places at any time if hungry/ tired.

But if I needed to, I did put my foot down and say 'no more' if necessary. However I did not holiday with ILS ever, although we did stay with them sometimes.

I think if your kids are the "stay up late, go to the disco" type who will cat nap in the car the next day, it is almost impossible to comprehend that other's kids aren't, especially if you've not been around loads and loads of children. (Speaking from experience!)

That said, every child is different - just do what suits yours best as much as possible and carry a bag of snacks! Be bright and breezy about "missing out" on an evening meal en famille, and next year consider seperate but adjacent / local accomodation!

Btw, my kids are the life and soul of the party and don't get cranky until midnight. Flip side - none slept through until 2 years old and HATE going to bed due to extreme fomo (Fear Of Missing Out!)

If we suggest cooking the kids an earlier dinner, or taking them to eat out early, it’s literally 20 questions about why they need something ‘special’, why can’t they wait, why can’t we just go to x nice restaurant all together at a normal time. Argh.

I’m just going to have to say no evening meals out as they are a total pain and the kids are all up and fractious until gone 10.30pm.

Even now with DD(5), I make sure I'm carrying substantial snacks for her when we visit relatives (mine especially) so that she (and I) can enjoy the day, even if meals aren't when she'd want them - she's pretty flexible, and always has been (on time, not content - that's very limited), but by 1.30 both she and I would be eating the table (yes, I do sometimes eat her snacks).

You could try the do it their way, and hand over all the care to the inlaws & DH and sit back and watch the trainwreck... and enjoy your holiday x

sweetheart I think that’s it, they remember their kids just fitting in, so we come across as anxious spoil sports. My kids are then tired from being kept up and behave like brats/have the screaming abdabs and that’s also commented on!

You need to relax. Yes, a toddler's routine can be moved during a holiday.

Your dh isn't stuck!! He should be putting the needs of his dc before his dps.

philomena are you my MIL?

I would do as Bump says. You wanted DC up so you can deal with them. I've done this with DM and DS before. She said I was cruel for putting him in the pram for a nap when he was overtired I rang her an hour later when he wouldn't stop crying so she had to listen too

Some toddlers are happy to have a flexible routine - if you get those kids you're lucky. Some toddlers like a fixed routine that also has it advantages but they like it to stay fixed.

Just because your experience is of one type of child doesn't mean all children are like that Philomena

I think I would invent a gentle stomach bug that has affected all kids which means you need to stay in your villa to look after them, and can’t see them as don’t want to pass the germs on.

NewBoot I fucking hope not! Or DS1's got a lot of explaining to do! 😂

We've always tried to be flexible on holidays and the children have mostly gone with it. There are limits of course. It sounds as if both you and your in laws are unwilling to compromise.

Moussemoose I think we made them like that. We often go out for whole days, not getting back until after bedtime. We go home when they're obviously tired.

I've got 4 children and have had a mix of flexible and totally not flexible. Some would easily sleep in prams and some just wouldn't. My youngest (1) is pretty easy going, will sleep anywhere but there's no way he'd stay up to eat lunch at a restaurant starting at 1.30. If he lasted that long awake he'd be extremely stroppy and whingey and it just wouldn't be worth it at all.

My in laws are like this - especially about bed times. What gives me the rage though is how my FIL will then go on about how rude and badly behaved DS(4) is - of course he is he hasn’t had a full nights sleep the whole time he’s been there!