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Original poster

Family are all having a Bank Holiday day out and Roast today, we’re not invited because of DS

55 replies

FuckyDuzz · 27/08/2018 15:41

Just that really

All of my family are spending the day together today and we’re not invited

I have noticed there’s been a few things going on lately that I haven’t found out about until afterwards but didn’t really think anything of it, never thought we were left out intentionally but today seemed such an obvious ‘family day’ that I asked why we weren’t invited
And I was told it was because one of my children and how his behaviour “ruins most things”

DS is 2
Yes I have struggled with him, since birth really, he’s always been a difficult child I’m not denying that
But fuck me this stings

OP posts:

TatterdemalionAspie · 27/08/2018 16:47

Well, it depends what he does, I suppose, and more importantly, how you handle it/don't handle it. You haven't really given much information here.

Beeziekn33ze · 27/08/2018 16:49

FuckyDuzz - So sorry that your family haven't felt able to talk to you about your 2 year old instead of just leaving you out of invitations. Such an unkind attitude must come from someone specific, a GP?
I hope you see some of your family separately and remain close to some.

WizardOfToss · 27/08/2018 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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Families

onetimeposter · 27/08/2018 16:52

I would say though OP to seek some professional support if it's been hard since birth. I only say this with hindsight. I have had 2 x 2 year olds since my Autistic one and nobody would dream of saying that they would ruin the day-because they wouldn't, it's just normal 2 year old stuff. If you can say hand on heart that your child's behaviour is so challenging that you've been excluded then I promise that getting a diagnosis and support in early will benefit your entire family xx

Lindy2 · 27/08/2018 16:55

That's awful. I would be very hurt too. Are you close enough to your family to explain how much this hurts and how you would really appreciate their help and support in caring for your DS rather than being excluded?
Our eldest has SEN. We've lost a few friends along the way but family have always stood by us. I would be devistated if they didn't.

Sunshine365 · 27/08/2018 16:57

Who is “all of my family”? Will there be other similarly aged children there? What is the day out? Is it something that is actually suitable for your child?

SleepyMcEdie · 27/08/2018 16:58

My DH family (Mum and two sisters) often meet up and don’t invite us. I’ve no idea why, I don’t think it’s DS as SIL has a similar aged DD who is harder work than him. DH doesn’t seem bothered we never get an invite but I feel sorry for DS as he gets older who won’t have a relationship with his cousins.

Original poster

FuckyDuzz · 27/08/2018 17:04

I have said he’s difficult, I’m not in denial and I wouldn’t rule out SN, I have 3 other children and lots of nieces and nephews and have never known a child like DS ever
Although even if it is SN it’ll be years before we would get any kind of diagnosis
Plus I would’ve expected his family to love him no matter what

It’s not particularly tantrums it’s generally just not listening and never sitting still
Plus he doesn’t sleep (never slept longer than 2 hours in his life, didn’t sleep for more than 20 mins until he was around 14 months) and he knows no danger at all (we’re on first name terms with the staff at A&E)

He’s a lot and I spend a lot of time trying to stop him doing things/keep still/sit down and generally restraining him
His behaviour has kicked up a notch since DP left as I just have to give in more now, although tbh I haven’t seen some of the family involved since before that

They’re not in a restaurant by the way they’re having dinner in someone’s house (I would never take him to a restaurant)
But we’ve been left out of other things this summer too; a trip to the aquarium, a picnic in the park, a bbq at someone else’s house, various lunches in pub beer gardens where there is play equipment - so pretty child friendly stuff and like I said lots of other children around

I have struggled with him for a long time, I know he’s hard work and there are lots of things I can’t/won’t/don’t even try to do and I generally cry most days so I know it’s a little bit unreasonable of me to expect others to not want to be around him, I know that before anyone tells me how awful he sounds
I’m just a bit sad about it that’s all

OP posts:

ScattyCharly · 27/08/2018 17:05

What has happened on previous occasions? What do they think has been ruined? It’s strange if it’s grandparents involved as they are supposed to love gc unconditionally.

MummytoCSJH · 27/08/2018 17:09

Hi - no advice but just wanted to add that I've been there too. My son is 4 and he has ADHD. Have been told numerous times in no uncertain terms that he is why we haven't been invited to family events. It's awful isnt it :(

kaytee87 · 27/08/2018 17:09

I'd say it's pretty normal for a 2yo to not want to sit still and not listen?
I'm very surprised you're not invited because a 2yo is being a toddler!

Although even if it is SN it’ll be years before we would get any kind of diagnosi

This may not be true. I know a 2.5yo with a diagnoses of autism.

Original poster

FuckyDuzz · 27/08/2018 17:10

Scatty nothing of note has ever happened before, no major catastrophes or anything, although thinking about it it’s possibly because there are lots of other adults around to entertain him or grab him away from a dangerous situation- maybe they just cba doing that anymore (although I and all other adults would pitch in with any of the other kids of course)

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/08/2018 17:13

Bastards. That’s horrible. Talk about kicking a woman when she’s down. You must be so hurt. I’m appalled. Your husband left you with 4 children, one of them, who doesn’t sleep and has challenging behaviour. Then instead of offering to help you they’ve ostracised you and all your children. Nothing I can say will make it better but this is just beyond the pale how they can leave all of your children out. And to write off a child of 2. Words. Fail. Me.

EllaEllaE · 27/08/2018 17:18

Your family are being like this and you have three other kids and you're a single parent?? Your family ought to be rallying round to help, not leaving you out! That's incredibly cruel. If it were my family, the grandparents/aunts/uncles would take turns taking the wee one off on his own for a while, so I could get some time with other adults, or even just to concentrate on my older kids. To exclude you all seems very unfair. How does that help his siblings, if they start to think they are being excluded because of their younger brother? Your family should be the ones helping you work through this, not making the whole situation worse.

MothertotheLordsofmisrule · 27/08/2018 17:18

Could they be any more unsupportive?

Single parent with 4 kids, and an opportunity for you to have a bit of a break while they take it in turns to 'corral' your ds.

This tends be what happens at our family gatherings - lucky if you see your kid before it's time to leave.

What about your other kids don't they get an chance to hang out with their cousins? See grandparents? Feel part of the family?

Words definitely need to be had about them supporting you.

IWouldLikeToKnow · 27/08/2018 17:23

Oh how awful for you. My son is 3.9. He sounds just like yours. I am fully aware of how difficult he is. Thankfully, though, my family are really supportive and in fact, one of my sisters regularly invites us for dinner and she knows we struggle with him. There are no excuses for your family's behaviour. I feel angry on your behalf.

Pippylou · 27/08/2018 17:25

I'd assume ADHD as this does sound really viable as a reason. Other than the medication as he's a bit too young for diagnosis anyway (I think), I'd try ADHD strategies & support groups. Just so you have some support with what sounds like really hard work without much support.

The other reason to treat as you find is that the stuff (co-morbidities, eg rejection and depression) that goes with ADHD is damaging and if it can be avoided, that's probably good. If he's found not to have it, no loss.

Maybe a sensory blanket? I just got one, bloody love it and I'm middle-aged! Mine is very heavy as I'm fat and it really does help. :-)

EllaEllaE · 27/08/2018 17:26

Also, sorry to play internet doctor, but maybe take him to a specialist to rule out a pediatric sleep disorder. The behavior problems could be related to lack of sleep. From what you've mentioned of his sleep here, it sounds much more sever an issue than normal baby/toddler difficulties. A couple of links below, but worth asking your pediatrician or GP about.

well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/01/05/fussy-baby-or-a-sleep-disorder/

stanfordhealthcare.org/medical-conditions/sleep/pediatric-sleep-disorders.html

www.aafp.org/afp/2014/0301/p368.html

BewareOfDragons · 27/08/2018 17:32

I'll be blunt: your family sucks.

Your DP has left (probably not helped by a 2 year old who clearly is exhibiting signs of being hard work for quite some time due to undiagnosed special needs) and your family who should be support you and your 4 children, their vulnerable family members, are actively excluding you because your 2 year old is hard work.

Your family really, really sucks.

They should be helping you. And helping you get help for your 2 year old. Not writing you all off because you clearly need help and so does he.

See your GP and possibly a Sure Start centre or SENCO lead of the school that your other children go to and ask for a referral or help or where to start? See if you can start the ball rolling to get some support and an assessment. It does sound very much like ADHD and there are strategies available to help. And if it's not, they may figure out what it is!

Good luck, OP.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 27/08/2018 17:36

God that's so cruel.

I am so sorry.

Ruffian · 27/08/2018 17:37

That's dreadful, they must be made of stone ffs. Other families cope with difficult toddler behaviour, it's part of being a family. At least you know now that you can't rely on them but it must be so hurtful

goodgirls · 27/08/2018 17:45

Single parent with 4 kids, and an opportunity for you to have a bit of a break while they take it in turns to 'corral' your ds

Is that fair on them though? If he is as difficult as OP says and they have their own children, is it ok to expect them to look after him?

I say that as a parent of a very very difficult child and I wouldn't have expected anyone to do it for me, its hard for me and I'm their mother. It's not anyone elses responsibility.

Hard to be isolated though.

twoundertwo54321 · 27/08/2018 17:57

Sorry OP not nice at all. I think you should be honest and say how hard things are for you at the moment and how hurt you are. They should apologise and help you out like supportive families should do!

Original poster

FuckyDuzz · 27/08/2018 18:10

Ah thanks all for being so lovely
I feel really bloody lonely today

OP posts:

ShackUp · 27/08/2018 18:17

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