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Original poster

Boyfriend spat on me

60 replies

needhelpandsupport · 27/08/2018 09:25

I've name changed, regular on Mumsnet but don't want this linked to other posts.

I just need some advice and support.

Been in dp 2 years, great relationship and been very happy. I do find him very intimidating at times, he was a minor celebrity in the 90s and gets a lot of female attention, I was flattered when we got together.

I have dcs from a previous relationship and he has been great and takes them off for days out and has been great as their dad isn't interested.

Dcs are teenagers and a bit mouthy at times, last night DD refused to tidy her room, it's like a pigsty. I got into an argument with her and I ended up helping her do it (I just wanted it done). dp then tells me I'm parenting wrong and shouldn't help her and I need to take her phone away and not give it back until it's done. We then got into an argument (he doesn't have children and doesn't live with us) and I said not to tell me how to parent my children. I accept he was right at this point and rather than helping I should have dealt with it another way. It got into an argument as I felt he was judging me as a parent and I told him to get out of my house. He then picked up a vase and threw it across the room, glass was everywhere and he left.

An hour later he came back to get his things (he left his wallet) and we talked and argued again. I said I cannot have someone in my house who breaks my things whilst the dcs are in the house. He apologised. I said I still want you to leave. He then got close to me and said "I'll smash your head through a wall" and spat on me and then walked out.

He text me lasted saying he was sorry and didn't mean it and begging forgiveness.

He's never done anything like this before but I know I can't be with someone who can do that to me. I know it was in the middle of an argument but that's no excuse.My dc were upstairs and heard. I can't forgive that behaviour as it's then like telling dds that behaviour like that from a partner is acceptable and I don't want them to think that it's ok. He said he will come over and talk to dcs and explain he was wrong and apologise to them.

I've ignored messages so far. I'm not even sure what I want on here, just reassurance I've done the right thing.

Sorry for waffling

OP posts:

user1510568216 · 27/08/2018 09:46

Spitting on someone is so degrading & utterly disgusting. Do not have anymore contact with him at all. Block his number & put anything of his in a black bag & drop it on his doorstep. I wouldn't engage with him at all after this. Teach your kids a valuable lesson. Hope you can move on from this.

blitzen · 27/08/2018 09:47

That's awful, OP. Hope you are okay. Throwing things and spitting is domestic violence. Please log with the police. I hope you end it with your partner.

Dairymilkmuncher · 27/08/2018 09:55

Of course LTB but also do not let him speak to your kids he will be full of charm and apologies and be completely mixed messages. The only message you want them to have is that this behaviour isn't acceptable for them to be like when they're older OR to put up with!

And you need to be bothered about yourself so that your daughter bothers about her own self

So glad you don't already live together

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LuluBellaBlue · 27/08/2018 10:01

This is horrendous and I can assure you, your children will remember this for years to come.
Set an example to them now and never let that man near you or them ever again and tell them why.
You can do this

parklives · 27/08/2018 10:08

You definitely did the right thing.

If you are worried that you might forgive him, then think about what he will do to you next time - especially now he has your permission (by giving him a second chance) to assault you again.

parklives · 27/08/2018 10:09

And yes, what lulu said, your children will never forget this incident, should them how to respond in a way that protects yourself and your children.

parklives · 27/08/2018 10:09

Show not should

SpaceDinosaur · 27/08/2018 10:10

LTB

Have you sat down with the D.C. to discuss what happened, why it's not ok and what you are doing about it?

madcatladyforever · 27/08/2018 10:11

Get rid for good, this will escalate and you know it.

CoraPirbright · 27/08/2018 10:20

You did absolutely the right thing! Don’t let him worm his way back in.

Such disgusting behaviour - so far beyond the ken of any man I know - dh, dfather, dfil etc. It wouldnt even occur to them to behave in such a way. It’s just not how nice, normal men behave. If he has this in him then I would get as far away as possible.

Original poster

needhelpandsupport · 27/08/2018 10:24

Thank you for all your responses.

Yes I have sat down with dc and explained his behaviour was unacceptable (amazingly dd was up early, I think she feels bad that the argument started about her room - which is now spotless and clean!)

If a partner did this to dd in 20 years time I wouldn't let him anywhere near her again so I have to do the same thing for myself

I won't take him back but I know he will try, i fully expect messages today so I have blocked him on everything so he has no way to contact me. He doesn't have a key to my house. I'm not sure I can go to the police, I've cleaned up everywhere now and it's his word against mine, I'm sure he would deny it to protect himself.

OP posts:

NonaGrey · 27/08/2018 10:27

Good for you need. Look after yourself.

Also make sure you DD knows that she isn’t responsible for his bad behaviour.

A messy teenage room is annoying but normal.

There’s nothing normal about smashing things, threatening your partner and then assaulting her.

attentionspan · 27/08/2018 10:27

He definitely needs to be your ex-boyfriend, the bastard.

AngelsAckiz · 27/08/2018 10:35

So sorry you've gone through this!
Remember you can log it with the police but take no further action.
You can also do a background check and see of her been done before, I believe?

Don't be frightened of calling the police to log something. It's in your best interests and your dc.

I had a dream last night I was at my mum's house. My step dad was there and I saw him have my mum up against the wall by her neck and he spat in her face. My 9 year old DD saw too. In the dream my mum denied it all (as she always did) and the atmosphere was terrifying (as 8t always was)

I grew up living with a monster. Don't let this man anywhere near you or your children. They will never forget it, as I haven't. Well done for doing the right thing. Keep it up.

Talk to your children. Show them that you've taken action and control so they can be empowered when they are older too.

LostInShoebiz · 27/08/2018 10:37

Think of the example you need to set for your children. Think of the fact it’s you this time but it could be them in the firing line next time.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 27/08/2018 10:44

It's often one person's word against another in domestic incidents. Sometimes it results in a charge, sometimes it doesn't. It will come down to other factors, what his record is like, what he says when asked about it (some people do admit it despite knowing it will result in action being tajen), whether anyone else saw or heard it (like your children).

It's worth reporting it to police (not logging) who will record it as a crime. If it doesn't result in a detection this time, i.e. a charge/caution, it will remain on his record as background information for when he does similar in the future.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 27/08/2018 11:01

It would be worth informing the cops in case he harasses you in future. Stay safe, OP, you sound a brilliant mum x

Booboopidoo · 27/08/2018 11:04

I think you need to have a really clear picture in your head of what life will be like with this man if you go back, that’s what will keep you strong if he does manage to contact you. Be really clear in your mind that taking him back after the first time sends a message to him that he can do that to you and you will still stay with him.

Do you honestly believe it won’t happen again once he knows that? It will, you know it will, we know it will, even he knows it will regardless of all the bullshit he will spout that it won’t. Keep that picture in your mind, of the next time and the time after that (getting steadily worse and more severe of course) and use it to strengthen your resolve if it weakens. This is your chance to get out before the cycle of abuse starts, take it and run!

Orchiddingme · 27/08/2018 11:04

How frightening for you, and for them.

You cannot have that in your home, you are right.

For what it's worth, I help my children tidy if their rooms get out of control, I prefer we all work together than I threaten them with punishments anyway, that's the style that works best for us.

Sorry he was so awful and you must be sad about what happened.

TheConquestOfHappiness · 27/08/2018 11:13

Well done for being so strong, and for addressing it with your dc, especially your dd.

You and your dc did nothing wrong. Tbh I don’t really see why helping her tidy up was the wrong thing to do- leading by example, showing her how to do things and giving a bit of support is as or more likely to instill positive habits in her as fear of punishment.

Even his response to that- straight to threats and punishments shows he likes to motivate through fear not through kindness. That usually doesn’t end well.

Neolara · 27/08/2018 11:16

OP - The thing is, it's not really the "first time" because you describe him as sometimes being intimidating. It's may be the worst he's behaved, but it's really just an intensification of behaviour that he's already displaying frequently. None of this is remotely good.

YourHandInMyHand · 27/08/2018 11:24

You've done the right thing.

Do please log what he did with the police. Your kids heard it. Even if all they do is log it, that's still good. His next victim might not be as strong as you and get out at the first sign of violence.

You've said you find him intimidating. If you look back now are there other things you've felt uncomfortable about?

Stay strong, he will likely try to get in touch and try all sorts of tactics to win you back. Just ignore him and focus on you and your dcs.

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 27/08/2018 11:34

Well done OP i’m So sorry that happened to you but you’re incredible for doing the right thing and telling him to sling it.

Kittykat93 · 27/08/2018 14:53

Well done Op. may you and your children stay safe from that arsehole

LastOneDancing · 27/08/2018 14:59

The worst part of reading that is that your DD now feels guilty for causing his behaviour and has modified her own to placate it.

After one incident.

Look at what you'd be teaching your children if you ever had him back in your life. Loving someone is not a good excuse to hurt your kids.

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