Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Put it a awkward position with food policing friend

84 replies

FoodPoliceIamNot · 26/08/2018 16:56

Me, DH and our 2 DC attend a sports activity club. Overly the last year we’ve all become really friendly with a couple who also have 2 DC around the same age as ours age 12 & 9.

For context we eat really healthy at home. When we go out for food we have it as a treat and order whatever we fancy, if we fancy a pudding we have it and bloody well enjoy it.

A while back the wife asked us all out for a evening meal at a pub chain. All the kids were sat together and it got a bit awkward as our DC wanted fish & chips and the other burger and chips off the adult menu. Both her DC also wanted burger and chips but she told them they weren’t allowed that to pick something more healthy. Her dc did kick off a bit and said how unfair it was.

Myself and the wife went over to order food and drinks on separate tabs. Me and the DCs all had Diet Coke and her dc were given tap water. The kids kicked off again saying how unfair it was and started arguing with the mum.

It got a bit awkward when the food arrived I had fish and chips but they had run out of the normal sized portion so I had no option but to upgrade to the larger sized “gigantic” portion. The wife didn’t order any food for herself. No explanation was given but she made a few comments re our meals along the lines of “omg your never going to eat all of that are you, I don’t know where you put it all”

We went out again with them last weekend for food, we were invited out by the wife and she chose the restaurant. We ran into the same issues again with their dc wanting wanting what ours were having and theirs not being allowed and being forced to have healthier choices. She also called her DH disgusting for finishing his XL mixed grill but again she sat there without ordering food but commenting on everyone else’s food.

After our food we went to the bar to order some more drinks and she asked me next time we come out could I have a word with my DC and ask them to order healthier food as she does not allow hers to eat what mine eat and it’s unfair. I was a bit taken back but said sorry no I don’t police my DCs food choices as it’s a treat and I don’t expect them to order a salad when I certainly won’t be.

Me and DH have spoken to each other and realised on several occasions now with the club bbq, Xmas meal out, family picnic we’ve never once seen the wife eat. I don’t know if she’s got food issues.

I assumed this would be a end to it all but she’s asked again if we want to go out for food again next month. I’ve suggested just going for a drink as it’s awkward that we both have very different views on what our kids are / aren’t allowed, but she’s come back and said our DHs we’re discussing a restaurant we all love that her DH is drying to try so we should go there.

WWYD?

OP posts:
RedDogsBeg · 26/08/2018 17:46

Thesearepearls In your position I might've gone down the tapwater route - you could see that this was going to cause trouble. But then again I come from a perspective of only ever allowing tapwater so maybe I'm a bit jaundice

There's a lot of inflexibility in your posts about the right to eat gigantic portions when out. I do get that going out is a treat but gigantic portions are never a good idea.

No only jaundice (sic) - did you mean prejudiced? - but also judgemental and patronising.

titchy · 26/08/2018 17:48

I don’t know if she’s got food issues.

Oh it's clear she has!

If you get on, I'd probably say yes but make it clear that you won't tolerate any comments about what you or your children order, and that if any are forthcoming that'll be the last meal you have with them.

NapQueen · 26/08/2018 17:48

Tbh id say something like

"Eating out is a real treat for us and as such the dcs and us eat and drink whatever we all fancy. It seems this rubs you up in some way. I wont change the way the kids and I act on these trips out, just as I wouldnt ask you to. I think it best if we change the type of meet ups we have, as meals out clearly doesnt work. What about a trip to the beach on saturday?"

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General food Weight management
keefthebeef · 26/08/2018 17:50

Her DH is using you as an excuse to get a good meal!

I'd be frank and say "It'd be great to catch up but to be honest it makes me uncomfortable eating when you don't. Why don't you chose somewhere where you can join us for a meal, or we should meet after lunch for a drink"

She's got an ED say the sounds :(

RedDogsBeg · 26/08/2018 17:51

You don't need to justify yourself or your choices for you and your children, FoodPoliceIamNot.

I can see no benefit to you and your family going out to eat with this family, it's not an enjoyable occasion and you will be on edge the whole time just waiting for the comments/digs at yours and her husbands choices. Just tell her you do not find eating out with her an enjoyable experience due to her behaviour and leave it at that.

tectonicplates · 26/08/2018 17:53

What about a trip to the beach on saturday?"

Oh just don't. She'll end up telling the OP off for letting her children have ice cream.

mumsastudent · 26/08/2018 17:55

(its perfectly correct to use term jaundiced - it means feeling a bit bitter or cynical - she obviously miss typed the "d" -don't we all sometimes :) )
I wonder if she has had a gastric bypass & is a born again diet expert or cant eat properly??

pointythings · 26/08/2018 17:56

pearls there's only one inflexible person here - and it isn't the OP.

OP, your friend has major food issues - and is setting her kids up for the same. I agree with those posters who suggest giving her some straight talk - either she shuts up and puts up, and deals with her own kids, or no more meals out together.

rainbowlou · 26/08/2018 17:57

I can’t eat out with a family member for these reasons, we get constant commentating on what everyone’s having, how much they’ve eaten, that we can’t possibly have dinner later if we’ve had lunch out, are you really having a starter AND a main!
It is so exhausting and I refuse to do it now as she started doing it to my children, making them feel paranoid they were being greedy for simply eating a meal out.
For your own sanity meet up with eating out not included!

thenightsky · 26/08/2018 17:58

When she starts suggesting restaurants just reply with something along the lines of... 'Why? What's the point? you never eat anyway..'

Original poster
FoodPoliceIamNot · 26/08/2018 18:00

I love this as it sums it all up so well.

I’d be honest and say “I love being friends with you but for all our sakes think let’s plan activities that don’t involve going out for meals or revolve around food. I sense we are all a bit uncomfortable with how we do things differently with eating and its not enjoyable for us. Why don’t we go swimming/bowling/to the beach instead?”

She might press for more information but don’t let that put you off being honest. “I don’t want to deprive my kids or control their eating too much when they are having a rare treat night.” “I don’t want my kids to develop negative attitudes towards eating or certain foods, especially when they eat very healthily the rest of the time and are a bit underweight.” Or even “When you aren’t eating but you pass comments like (example) I feel like you are sitting and judging us on our choices and it doesn’t make for a very enjoyable evening.” Keep making the point that you value you her friendship but do be honest. It might be the wake up call she needs!

I’m going to ask DH to speak to her DH tomorrow. He does need to mention that regardless if she eats or not she will be charged. Will see how the land lies as the kids get on so well. Actually bowling is a great suggestion so will mention this.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/08/2018 18:02

When she starts suggesting restaurants just reply with something along the lines of... 'Why? What's the point? you never eat anyway..'

That's exactly what I would do.

AntiHop · 26/08/2018 18:02

She's obviously got issues with food. I used to have an eating disorder. I would do everything to avoid bringing attention to food. I would avoid going out for dinner and I definitely wouldn't comment on other people's food.

So it sounds to me like she's just super controlling. I wouldn't want my kids, or myself, exposed to that.

wafflyversatile · 26/08/2018 18:07

If she is still suggesting meeting for meals out then she Maybe she doesn't find it as awkward as you.

When she makes comments you can say it's a good job we eat so healthily at home so we can enjoy these treats without any guilt. Or make a pointed comment about she'll faint or her stomach must think her throats been cut. Or probably better to say nothing, smile and think not my circus, not my monkeys.

kiabella · 26/08/2018 18:11

She dosent sound as though she has anorexia, most people with anorexia would never suggest meeting at a restaurant and they wouldn’t not order food as it’s so obvious.
But she definitely has an unhealthy attitude towards food. Her children must be very confused being told to order something “healthy” while their mum orders nothing atall.
You sound like you’re doing a great job in regards to your own attitudes around food. Going out to eat should be enjoyable and like you say you eat differently to home because it’s a treat.

BabySharkDooDooDooDoo · 26/08/2018 18:11

Its not fair on her dc that she polices their food so much then again it is also unfair to ask your dc to order something else that they dont want. Her dc should be allowed to have what they want too. She must have some issues with food as that doesnt sound normal behaviour

user1468942365 · 26/08/2018 18:17

An "all you can eat" is an odd choice for the portion police!

PinkHeart5914 · 26/08/2018 18:18

I just wouldn’t eat out with them again tbh!

I wouldn’t be saying my dc couldn’t have the meal they wanted just becuase of her, I’m sorry if she struggles with food but why does she get to police everyone’s food?

Thing is by being like this with her dc and food all she I doing is setting them up for food issues too. A burger or fish & chips when eating out now and then is absolutely fine

Also very weird whe never eats, surely even pub chains do a simple low cal salad or similar these days. Never seeing Mum eat out must make the dc wonder

AdaColeman · 26/08/2018 18:18

Her DH probably likes going out with your family, as you all take the focus of her comments away from him. When they are out as a family he must get all the same comments as you are, if he orders something she disapproves of. That's why her husband wants you to all go to a restaurant he wants to try.

You've mentioned a few times that eating out is a big treat for your family, which must be quite spoilt by her attitude, which must create a miserable atmosphere for you all.

I'd only have outings with them that didn't involve food of any sort and keep your family treats of meals out for just you.

FuckyDuzz · 26/08/2018 18:19

I would be so uncomfortable sitting eating a meal while 1 person at the table wasn’t eating and was just sat watching
I certainly wouldn’t do that more than once

HollowTalk · 26/08/2018 18:20

I think she has to be confronted with it. She has no right to look askance at what your family is eating.

It's odd that nobody has asked her why she's not eating a meal, though. Even if nobody asked outright, how come your husband hasn't asked hers in private?

SandAndSea · 26/08/2018 18:27

I wouldn't meet for food again, it's too difficult. Good idea to suggest an activity and let her know why in a positive way.

Verbena87 · 26/08/2018 18:38

I’ve got a family member who behaves like this and I feel pretty anxious about my baby eating at the same table as her not eating and making rude comments as they get older. I think it’s a terrible example to set to kids who are already navigating a totally body/food-neurotic culture. She’s demonstrating a lack of respect for her own body, and rudeness to others. Both those things are not welcome in our house (or yours, by the sounds of it).

AtleastitsnotMonday · 26/08/2018 18:38

I think you have done The right thing holding your ground and not altering your order. This lady is being rude and out of order.
However those of you calling her a nutter, or fucked up are also being rude. She has an ed, she is ill.

WatchedTooMuchBrookside · 26/08/2018 18:38

Haha, thanks FoodPolice, the money I paid for 1-2-1 assertiveness training clearly wasn’t wasted!

My instinct is that she will be defensive so remember the magic formula of “when you (insert behaviour or stuff she’s said here) I feel (how you genuinely feel).” If you give examples of things she’s genuinely said or done she can’t deny it. And even if she does she will know in herself she’s lying.

To the poster who says she doesn’t sound like an anorexic, there are different approaches/attitudes that anorexics can have. Most, i’d agree would involve going out for meals or occasions of food full stop but some have a strange competitive thing going on. They judge themselves and their own bodies so harshly that the attitude carries over to other people and they can actually enjoy observing people “making a pig of themselves” and judging themselves as having a better approach. It’s sometjing they do to justify the disordered eating. The person I knew who was the worst for this was a “clean eater”, exercise addict and an anorexic. She’d pass comment on other people’s bodies, their diets, their exercise programmes and when she would be in that mode of thinking she could be truly evil. I can recall her saying to a size 12 girl who came into work glowing, saying she’d just started a new gym programme, “It’ll not work. You’ll never be able to see any muscle you gain underneath all that fat.” She would come to social outings or the pub and watch us all eat or drink too or invite people round for a takeaway and not eat but comment on everything other people were eating. Make no
mistake - she was dying to eat it and the nastiness was a projection upon others because she was really conflicted in herself.