Put it a awkward position with food policing friend

[FoodPoliceIamNot]

Me, DH and our 2 DC attend a sports activity club. Overly the last year we’ve all become really friendly with a couple who also have 2 DC around the same age as ours age 12 & 9.

For context we eat really healthy at home. When we go out for food we have it as a treat and order whatever we fancy, if we fancy a pudding we have it and bloody well enjoy it.

A while back the wife asked us all out for a evening meal at a pub chain. All the kids were sat together and it got a bit awkward as our DC wanted fish & chips and the other burger and chips off the adult menu. Both her DC also wanted burger and chips but she told them they weren’t allowed that to pick something more healthy. Her dc did kick off a bit and said how unfair it was.

Myself and the wife went over to order food and drinks on separate tabs. Me and the DCs all had Diet Coke and her dc were given tap water. The kids kicked off again saying how unfair it was and started arguing with the mum.

It got a bit awkward when the food arrived I had fish and chips but they had run out of the normal sized portion so I had no option but to upgrade to the larger sized “gigantic” portion. The wife didn’t order any food for herself. No explanation was given but she made a few comments re our meals along the lines of “omg your never going to eat all of that are you, I don’t know where you put it all”

We went out again with them last weekend for food, we were invited out by the wife and she chose the restaurant. We ran into the same issues again with their dc wanting wanting what ours were having and theirs not being allowed and being forced to have healthier choices. She also called her DH disgusting for finishing his XL mixed grill but again she sat there without ordering food but commenting on everyone else’s food.

After our food we went to the bar to order some more drinks and she asked me next time we come out could I have a word with my DC and ask them to order healthier food as she does not allow hers to eat what mine eat and it’s unfair. I was a bit taken back but said sorry no I don’t police my DCs food choices as it’s a treat and I don’t expect them to order a salad when I certainly won’t be.

Me and DH have spoken to each other and realised on several occasions now with the club bbq, Xmas meal out, family picnic we’ve never once seen the wife eat. I don’t know if she’s got food issues.

I assumed this would be a end to it all but she’s asked again if we want to go out for food again next month. I’ve suggested just going for a drink as it’s awkward that we both have very different views on what our kids are / aren’t allowed, but she’s come back and said our DHs we’re discussing a restaurant we all love that her DH is drying to try so we should go there.

WWYD?

Why are you even trying to justify yourself and your choices here, OP? She's fucked up. It doesn't matter what your BMI or weight or size is, it's fucking rude to food shame or police what others eat like that. Even ruder to ask you to order what she thinks you should for your kids. Fuck that! Just tell her NO. 'No thanks/Going to have to decline that. We go out to dine as a treat and like to enjoy ourselves. We don't feel comfortable eating out with you all due to food shaming and comments about our food choices. Sorry.' The end.

Doesn't matter FA what your BMI or sizes are, you eat whatever the hell you want whilst out and anyone who shames you for that is a twat.

Just say "Better not as the kids order such different things" and leave it at that. She can come up with a suggestion after that. She's inviting you out, so she can come up with a compromise.

bet she is super conpetitive where her dc's are concerned and pushy

poor hen pecked husband i should imagine

We all get on very well. Apart from the food issue as we do find it very awkward.

The huge problem is the place her DH wants to go is a all you can eat place. It’s amazing and we love it as a special treat every 6 months the kids chose to go for birthdays. Regardless if she eats or not she will need to pay. I will get DH to mention this to her DH when we see them tomorrow at our club.

Well firstly, she didn't invite you - you paid for yours and your children's food. I wonder if that put you on the back-foot, that you allowed her to take the role of 'host' when she wasn't - when you were actually equal. It's relevant for next time (if there is one).

Next time your two families go out to eat together, I would speak to her beforehand and say that when your family eats out, it's a treat and you and your family will order exactly what you want to order. She is at liberty to do the same with her family BUT you will not put up with negative comments about food type or portion sizes and she either accepts that, or you will not go out as two families again.

That's it really. Mutual respect and tolerance.

She also called her DH disgusting for finishing his XL mixed grill but again she sat there without ordering food but commenting on everyone else’s food.

I really don't have the energy for those people. She's a competitive non-eater.

It's also very bad manners to go to a restaurant without ordering anything.

I’ve suggested just going for a drink as it’s awkward that we both have very different views on what our kids are / aren’t allowed, but she’s come back and said our DHs we’re discussing a restaurant we all love that her DH is drying to try so we should go there.

You've already tried to suggest an alternative. She's not interested. She's not hosting you. Just decline! Make sure your H knows it, too. 'Not going to be able to go along to X together.' 'Oh, okay.'

Also I dread to think what sort of marriage they have when she actually tells her DH he's "disgusting".

Life is too short to have to tolerate this type of behaviour on what is supposed to be a relaxed evening out. I wouldn’t want to meet again full stop.

One of the things I wish I had been a bit more rigorous about is eating out with the children. They were never allowed fizzy drinks and were only allowed to drink tap water. But they did eat lots of rubbish like fish and chips and burgers and chips. There's no need for it really. It doesn't seem to have done them any lasting harm though, DD who is now 20 eats very healthily. DS a bit less so but is health-conscious.

I don't think eating out together is something you should do, OP. It's entirely unfair to have the kids eating to different standards. In your position I might've gone down the tapwater route - you could see that this was going to cause trouble. But then again I come from a perspective of only ever allowing tapwater so maybe I'm a bit jaundiced

There's a lot of inflexibility in your posts about the right to eat gigantic portions when out. I do get that going out is a treat but gigantic portions are never a good idea.

I'd probably go and made sure we all ordered the biggest burger and chips plus onion rings etc, then have a big sundae or huge piece of cheesecake for pudding. With full fat coke, and pints of cider. I rarely go out for dinner. But when I do i want a treat, something i wouldn't have at home.

Definitely seems to have an ED, I’d avoid her like the plague.

Too much stress! Would drive me nuts. I have poor tolerance for anorexics (used to spend a lot of time with them) & this would push all my buttons.

If you can't directly tell her that meal times around each other creates stress you don't want, then just have to fob her off with excuses & alternative suggestions. Probably I'd have no patience about being pretty unsubtle about the specific contexts when she was fobbed off.

*Being around food, preparing food & watching people eat is a way that annies can engage with food without eating it. It's part of their obsession. Most don't go so far as to actually comment out loud, though! They're usually very shy about making their interest obvious.

I would possibly go but make it very clear that you would not be changing your or your children’s food choices and if she was to make a comment about healthy choices or expect your children to eat the same as hers then it might be better not to go for food

How very tiresome she sounds. I hate it when people sit there not eating,but keep making remarks about what others are eating. Besides which,it's not YOUR job to police what food her kids eat! Maybe just see her when there's not going to be any food involved? Although quite frankly,I personally couldn't be bothered with someone who is obviously so uptight about food. One of life's pleasures,IMO.

I agree @leftrightcentre, she’s fucked up

Best just go and enjoy your meals out just yourselves where you can relax and enjoy yourselves as a family having a treat.

I’d leave the fuck up to her own devices, and if you have to meet her, meet her in the open!

I’d have a straight-talking chat with her in a non-food related situation and tell her that your family view eating out as a treat and you will continue to order what you want, and that her comments about your food choices are both inappropriate and rude.

If she still wanted to eat together after that, I would agree to doing so one more time, but if there was any repetition of the behaviour I would call her out on it there and then, and would not eat with her again.

YANBU at all - she sounds as though she has issues with food. I do tend to ask DC to order water if they are with others whose parents don't allow fizzy drinks as it stirs up arguments otherwise. Mine can have fizzy drinks another time. The food isn't any of her business (nor is the drink but I find that easier to smooth over).

I would say you'll all go for a meal when she's willing to eat and join in with you all and not judge what you all choose to eat and drink.

She crossed a line trying to solicit your DC's because she can't parent effectively enough to stop her kids moaning about a fizzy drink, especially since she's quite obviously got a huge food issue herself, which is more likely to cause unhealthy eating habits with them than seeing your children enjoy a meal out ffs.

They'll either end up sitting down to an empty plate in 20 yrs time like her or be a Coke guzzling burger fiend with more rolls than the local bakery.

I couldn't enjoy a meal sitting across from a food Scrooge. I would message back that you will meet for drinks or see her another time since you won't be policing meal times to suit her.

The only people I’ve ever known who did things like this had EDs.

I’d be honest and say “I love being friends with you but for all our sakes think let’s plan activities that don’t involve going out for meals or revolve around food. I sense we are all a bit uncomfortable with how we do things differently with eating and its not enjoyable for us. Why don’t we go swimming/bowling/to the beach instead?”

She might press for more information but don’t let that put you off being honest. “I don’t want to deprive my kids or control their eating too much when they are having a rare treat night.” “I don’t want my kids to develop negative attitudes towards eating or certain foods, especially when they eat very healthily the rest of the time and are a bit underweight.” Or even “When you aren’t eating but you pass comments like (example) I feel like you are sitting and judging us on our choices and it doesn’t make for a very enjoyable evening.” Keep making the point that you value you her friendship but do be honest. It might be the wake up call she needs!

It does seem bizarre that she insists on going out to eat, and then polices her family's food while eating nothing herself. Does she not see how strange this is?

I wouldn't go to an all-you-can-eat place with her as things stand. Can you have a private chat with her about how uncomfortable her comments are making you, and how concerned you are that she doesn't eat anything, but yet she keeps insisting that you go out to eat together?

If I were to accept, I'd make it clear to her (quietly and politely) that my children will be ordering what they want and that she needs to refrain from commenting on what any of us eat. And that if she doesn't think she can do that, we'll need to meet up in 'non food' situations.

Her issues with food are irrelevant and not your problem.

I agree we do have very different parenting choices to the re food choices.

As a child I was never allowed fizzy pop, sweets, cake and we never had takeaway ever. As soon as I left home and had free reign guess what I ate? Hence being overweight.

With the kids we take a everything in moderation approach and it seems to work. We let the kids order off the adult menu so they can have more choice but they never finish a meal out or even at home. They just don’t have big appetites.

I do understand where you are coming from for ordering the fizzy pop over water but as I drive because I don’t drink I wouldn’t be ordering water for myself so wouldn’t be happy having that myself telling my kids your having water. We never have it in the house so again it’s a treat every now and again when we go out.