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Original poster

Worried about my mum's financial situation

37 replies

Diorissimo1985 · 25/08/2018 12:27

My DM is nearly 65 and as I get older I'm getting more worried about her finances and plans for the future. We're close but she clams up when talking about money and I'm worried that she is worried if you know what I mean!

A bit of background - DM is 65 and works as a teaching assistant, so pretty low salary. She's done this for the last 25-30 years. She and my dad had a bad divorce about 15 years ago when they were in huge debt and it basically cleared my mum out. She used her share of the house sale to clear her debt. She has then rented privately with her new husband for the past 10 years. Their rent is expensive but won't consider moving.

Her husband works full time but isn't that well paid, and has recently been told he could face redundancy this year. DM has also been recovering from cancer treatment this year so has been off work for six months, then part time hours. She has to go back full time next month as her school won't continue to allow her part time hours. I'm worried it is too much as she is still recovering from her operation and it's hard to be on her feet all day with children.

Basically I am worried about the future for her but she skirts around the topic when I try to discuss it. I know she has little savings - my granny left her money about five years ago but I think that is pretty much gone now.

I'd be grateful for advice on how to talk to her about it kindly and sensibly - I am worried about her and I'd hate her to be anxious. Secondly, what practical support can I give her? I think she plans to work for as long as possible but I just feel working is having a negative impact on her health.

TIA

OP posts:
FadedRed · 25/08/2018 12:35

TBH Op, and in the nicest possible way to say this, it's none of your business. You've asked your mother and she doesn't want to discuss it with you. You will have to wait for her to broach the subject, should she choose to do so. She's 65, in her right mind, and totally entitled to have her privacy and make her own decisions.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 25/08/2018 12:42

I agree with pp. If she doesn’t want to confide in you then you shouldn’t push it. She has a partner and it’s their business.

I’d advise that you have one further conversation with her, letting her know that you’re always be there for her, as an ear to listen, or to give any advice or practical help if she should want it, but that you won’t be prying any more.

ElinorOliphantIsCompletelyFine · 25/08/2018 12:51

Sorry, I also agree with the others. They're adults, and I'm sure they will confide in you if they think it's necessary. Also, they could be perfectly comfortable, for all you know. We used to joke that my nan barely worked a day in her life, but when she died, her daughters inherited £8k each!

pachiano1 · 25/08/2018 12:55

I'm not sure what you are looking for here? What exactly do you think she should be doing?

Hadalifeonce · 25/08/2018 12:56

Although it isn't really any of your business, I can understand why you are concerned; she should have a public sector pension from her job.
But, if she doesn't want to discuss it with you, you do need to respect that.

Original poster
Diorissimo1985 · 25/08/2018 12:59

Okay thanks for your opinions.

I talked about it with DH and he was wondering if we should be thinking about asking if she wants to live with us when she retires.

I am just worried about her, that's all - I was just wanting some other opinions. She has had a difficult life and I just don't want her to be worried.. that's all really.

OP posts:
FrayedHem · 25/08/2018 13:09

I understand your worry, but like PP have said, you can't force a discussion. You won't know about their pensions. If they're renting I'd just try to mention housing benefit and if they have health issues PIP/Attendance Allowance.

My mum was shocked when she was entitled to Attendance Allowance as she considered herself to be very able. She had multiple health issues but was so used to it she didn't see how they impacted on her.

Original poster
Diorissimo1985 · 25/08/2018 13:13

Thanks frayed I will look in to that, never heard about it!

OP posts:
FrayedHem · 25/08/2018 13:19

PIP/Attendance Allowance is needs based but can be difficult to get. But it's worth being informed about. Housing benefit is more straight forward in terms of eligibility. But they may be/become eligible and should apply if they are.

Caribbeanyesplease · 25/08/2018 13:21

Op she’s married. Wouldn’t her husband want to come and live with you too?

You worry that she may be anxious. If she was, then shoes would have moved from her expensive rented property rather than refuse to.

epicclusterfuck · 25/08/2018 13:24

Won't she also get state pension soon?

pachiano1 · 25/08/2018 13:25

64/65 is not old. I can't imaging sh would want to give up her life to come and live with you.

Justabouthadituptohere · 25/08/2018 13:25

It’s hard not to worry as especially since she’s been ill. I think the best thing to do is just leave them to it for now. If she’s worried then she’ll talk to you I’m sure. She’s a grown woman and married! Just try be there doing little bits here and there

Brandnewstart · 25/08/2018 13:31

Ring Macmillan as they have benefits workers specifically for people affected by cancer. They should be able to get her some help.
Also, may be able to look into her working rights x

pachiano1 · 25/08/2018 13:36

Ring Macmillan as they have benefits workers specifically for people affected by cancer. They should be able to get her some help.
Also, may be able to look into her working rights

Good advice. But please don't do it without her knowledge.

Stillme1 · 25/08/2018 13:38

I think you are a lovely person to be concerned about your DM's welfare. I agree with PP that it could be not your business but the concern is nice. If you speak to DM about the finances and plans for after retirement speak more about the practical things, like if she has a load of stairs at her current home, or if a big shower would be better than a bath. How far the shops, dr etc are from her current house.
Wait until DM is actually 65 and at that age she will not get PIP but could be entitled to Attendance Allowance. This would mean that someone could claim Carers Allowance to assist her with daily living. PIP is a difficult situation and hardly worth the effort if she will be 65 soon. PIP is under 65 and AA is over 65.
Emphasize how much you care about her comfort and want her to have it a whole load easier in retirement. Watch silently and discretely how she manages her life say little but be ready to step up if you see her struggling with things in general. Plan but don't step in too soon for your own sake.
You are such a lovely caring daughter to be concerned about your mum even though she does have a current partner.

Rudgie47 · 25/08/2018 13:58

Is your Mum in a union? if so could she approach them about the school forcing her to go back too soon to full time work?
I'd look at Attendance Allowance as well, my Mum gets it and it wasnt difficult to apply for. She got it without a bun fight or appeals etc and its over £300 per month.
I understand its not Ops business but obviously she has her mothers welfare at heart and the last thing she will want is for the shit to hit the fan and her Mum to be made homeless in the near future.

waterSpider · 25/08/2018 14:06

You could direct her towards getting a state pension forecast, if she hasn't had one recently.
You could check whether local Housing Associations have 'points' for recent cancer treatment.
Benefits as people have said - Attendance Allowance, Council Tax Support, Pension Credit, Housing Benefit, but all except AA (or PIP until State Pension age) would depend on the husband's situation, too.
Citizens Advice can help with benefits checks.
But, as others have said, to a degree you have to take a backwards step.

MrsAmaretto · 25/08/2018 14:17

I get you. My mum’s flat is only worth £50k and she’s wanting to move closer to my sibling when she retires in a couple of years. There is no way she can afford to - she’ll have a state pension and very small private pension (£300). She veers between denial and total worry.

So I’m currently looking for jobs where I can earn enough to get a mortgage for a small flat in the area she wants to live in, saving for a deposit and we should pay off our own mortgage by the time she retires. I need to look into it more but the bottom line is I’ll need to ensure that financially she’s okay as I won’t have her living in poverty. How I’ll manage it when my kids are old enough to go to university, I’ve no idea.

abacucat · 25/08/2018 14:22

She can retire at 67 when she will get a state pension. But she may not get enough housing benefit to cover where they rent, so that may force the issue. I suspect if she is still recovering from cancer, the idea of moving would be pretty daunting. I would simply say to her that if she ever decides to move, then you will do everything you can to help her practically.
Also love when people say 65 isn't that old, ignoring that for someone recovering from cancer it can feel very old.

abacucat · 25/08/2018 14:27

Even if she has paid into a public sector pension, it won't be that much - about £4k a year maybe? It may be just enough to stop her getting benefits and actually leave her worse off.

BananaToffo · 25/08/2018 14:36

Abacucat - Actually, 65 isn't that old - and exhaustion from cancer treatment/recovery can hit anyone at any age.

OP....it's weird that her husband seems to be a footnote in your post. If she comes to live with you when she retires, is he invited too?

abacucat · 25/08/2018 14:42

79 is the average life expectancy for men and for women 83. Many die before then.
And illnesses have a much bigger impact on you as you get older. It takes longer to recover.

pachiano1 · 25/08/2018 14:45

She can retire at 67 when she will get a state pension.

abacucat · 25/08/2018 14:45

Also attendance allowance is if you need help with personal care or to stay safe. It is the equivalent of PIP for 65 and overs. Sadly there is very little help available to those who can look after themselves, but struggle to work because of illness.

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