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Original poster

Is married life all it’s cracked up to be?

70 replies

Helmlover · 25/08/2018 09:46

I mean, did your relationship change at all when you got married? I have been with my partner for over 6 years and we are constantly being asked when are we getting engaged, as if it is an event in our lives which is long overdue. I have just never understood people’s ‘desperation’ to get married almost, and IMO marriage is sold by society to little girls as a fairytale concept from a very young age ie. I remember being asked by my peers when I was 5 or 6 what colour wedding dress I would wear and what sort of flowers I would have etc. and I remember thinking even back then it was not something I was that bothered about doing.
So seriously, are us strange people who are not intending to get married really missing out?

OP posts:
KlutzyDraconequus · 25/08/2018 09:48

In my experience, people that expect it to change things, end up disappointed. In fact I've seen it a few times where the bride expected into magically fix things and when it didn't, they split anyway.

If there's nothing wrong in a relationship, getting married won't change it. If there is something wrong, getting married wont fix it.

Coconutcake0 · 25/08/2018 09:52

Been with DH for 20 years and married for 12. Nothing changed for us. But we eloped to Gretna Green with no family so didn't have that shit.

I suggest you do the same!

DameSylvieKrin · 25/08/2018 09:55

I got married but wasn't bothered about it and didn't have a wedding.
It's made so many bureaucratic things easier and there were a lot more savings here and there than I expected. I'm glad of the extra structure with children in the mix.
Not caring about marriage seems as much an argument to do it as not to do it to be honest. If you don't care, doing it wouldn't be any skin off your nose.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Marriage & partnerships
maxthemartian · 25/08/2018 09:56

It depends who you're married to!

No it doesn't change things in terms of your day to day life, but I personally love the feeling of being married, the security and legal and social recognition that it brings.

kaytee87 · 25/08/2018 09:57

If you plan to be each other's life partners then legally getting married makes sense.

I personally didn't want to have children outside of marriage so that was our biggest deciding factor to get married. I think it's made us feel more of a team / more together, but that could be the fact that ds was born 11 months after we got married too.

NonaGrey · 25/08/2018 09:58

It depends who you marry.

My DH and I have been married for a long time and we are extremely happy.

The reasons for marriage are legal though. It’s not just a piece of paper, it gives a range of legal protections.

That’s not to say we didn’t have a lovely wedding day, but we didn’t get married for the party.

Stephisaur · 25/08/2018 10:01

I don’t think anything really changed for us, but we’d been together 9 years when we got married so we were already fully committed when we got married.

We decided to get married for the security of it. There are other ways to gain that security, but marriage felt like the right choice for us.

If it’s not the right choice for you, don’t feel pressured into it x

Somewhereovertherainbow13 · 25/08/2018 10:01

No nothing changed and looking back I wished we’d saved the money we spent on our wedding. We invited lots of distant family as we were pressured to and I didn’t even enjoy the actual wedding day. I understand the security aspect of being married so if I could go back in time would maybe consider a tiny wedding for those reasons alone, nothing special or romantic

OzymandiasFanClub · 25/08/2018 10:01

Separate 'marriage' from 'wedding'. Getting married joins you legally, financially and fiscally. Nothing to do with being a princess and having a dress.

MartyMcFly1984 · 25/08/2018 10:02

Changes nothing, but at the same time is amazing.

Parker231 · 25/08/2018 10:03

NOthing changes - why should it? Too many focus on the wedding day rather than the rest of their lives.

Racecardriver · 25/08/2018 10:04

Well you are missing out on legal protections that marriage brings. It carries a lot of clout when you separate, one of you dies, you decide to immigrate etc.

ElspethFlashman · 25/08/2018 10:14

I heard a very good quote once, from Oprah actually

Someone on her show was bemoaning that their DH kept going out to the pub as always and thought it would be different after they married.

Oprah spluttered "What, just because you both ate some cake??!"

That's it in a nutshell. It changes nothing. All you do is eat some cake.

But it can be psychogically reassuring to be joined together legally. It definitely makes things easier.

It also changes the perception of your relationship to the older generation, if that matters to you. I worked with a woman who had been living with a guy for 9 years but found her parents and aunts and uncles still acted like he was a pleasant temporary boyfriend, whereas in-laws who had only been married half as long were treated like permanent fixtures.

But if you can do without these things then you can do without marriage.

ToftheB · 25/08/2018 10:15

I’ve been with my husband for 11 years, married for 2. I enjoy being married, it feels like people take our relationship more seriously and family bonds (with in laws etc) feel more solid somehow. It’s made no difference to our day to day lives though, nor did we want it to.
It has made having time off work to have a baby feel like less of a financial issue for me - but I hope it would have been ok anyway as my husband doesn’t give a fig about his/my money.

H00T3R · 25/08/2018 10:29

The relationship itself hasn't changed. If you choose not to get married that's up to you but don't give up your home or your means of earning though, and don't voluntarily pay his rent or mortgage unless you get your name on the rent agreement or the deeds of the house. As a 'common-law' wife you have next to no rights should the relationship end.

SimonBridges · 25/08/2018 10:38

I love being married.
I don’t really have much family so being married makes me feel settled and secure.

We had a very small wedding, and no cake!

BarbedBloom · 25/08/2018 10:51

It is pretty much the same, but I like being married. We spent under 1,000 on the day and also have the legal protection now, which I wanted before children.

Effendi · 25/08/2018 11:05

I like being married. Been with my husband since 1996, got married in 2001. He's 12 years older than me and I went through some proper duffers before I met him.
Nothing changed after we got wed except that I got rid of my shitty maiden name.

We are the same now as we were before, I wouldn't swap him.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 25/08/2018 11:07

I had no expectations on marriage really, we were together 4 years before we did it, but it changed our relationship completely for the best, best thing ever and still wonderful 15 years on

Ifailed · 25/08/2018 11:10

It's a contract, why should things change - does your relationship change if you switch energy suppliers?

Fatted · 25/08/2018 11:12

It didn't change anything with our relationship.

But that aside I would always recommend getting married purely from a legal perspective prior to having children.

katmarie · 25/08/2018 11:13

I loved my wedding day, but for me it was all about being married, not the wedding itself. I think being married has meant I've grown in confidence, and I really value the feeling of security. I'm also really honored to be the person my husband wanted to marry. On top of all that is the additional security it gives our son. Nothing has changed in our day to day lives, but the commitment feels deeper and that gives me a lovely confidence boost.

fussychica · 25/08/2018 11:27

Been married since 1979 so it was pretty much the done thing then. What wasn't was a registry office wedding despite neither of having been married before. Most people we knew were slightly aghast and could understand why we didn't want all the trimmings.
It obviously changed things for us quite a lot as it meant we lived together for the first time - that took some adjusting to!

If you are thinking of having children marriage gives you more security and legal protection.

witherwings · 25/08/2018 11:27

It changes nothing in your life. Been with my husband for 20 years and married for almost 10. The only thing that's changed is that I changed my name and letters now say mrsmarriedsurname (I wanted the same name as my kids and we chose the tradition. I know that not everyone does!)

happymummy12345 · 25/08/2018 12:24

I'd always dreamed of my perfect wedding, and knew exactly what I wanted.
We'd discussed marriage and knew it was what we both wanted. We were also trying for a baby. It was all very quick, were were ttc after 2 months together. Then when we found out I was pregnant, we knew we wanted to be married before the baby was born and before I was showing. So we had a 3 month engagement and planned the wedding in 2. We got married the date we'd been together for 11 months. (Yes we were married within less than a year of being together).
It was in no way a financial thing, we had no savings, no home (i was a student, and we lived in a rented place). It was just about me having his name and the idea of being married. I hate the idea of marriage as security financially. For me it was about feeling more like a family. I instantly felt very different when we were married. That piece of paper and the vows and rings made us feel closer, official. And for us it showed everyone how serious we were, even though it was all so quick.
I struggle to understand why people wouldn't want to be married. I mean no offence, but I really don't get it at all.