Is married life all it’s cracked up to be?

[Helmlover]

I mean, did your relationship change at all when you got married? I have been with my partner for over 6 years and we are constantly being asked when are we getting engaged, as if it is an event in our lives which is long overdue. I have just never understood people’s ‘desperation’ to get married almost, and IMO marriage is sold by society to little girls as a fairytale concept from a very young age ie. I remember being asked by my peers when I was 5 or 6 what colour wedding dress I would wear and what sort of flowers I would have etc. and I remember thinking even back then it was not something I was that bothered about doing.
So seriously, are us strange people who are not intending to get married really missing out?

The thing that changed was that my STBEX, once I was 'trapped' started being abusive. Never doing it again.

Marriage is very important to me. Purely because I've not go much of a family so to me marrying my OH will, in my eyes, make our family official. As silly as it's seems I also like the thought of having a husband rather than partner. It's makes him 'officially' mine forever. Lol x

Nothing changes day to day, why would it?

The legal protection is important if you are thinking about starting a family.

Love being married and being team “pinkyponk” all with the same name

This sounds awful, but I cannot imagine being with the same person for the rest of my life.

Maybe it's my past circumstance that lead to this - met DS Dad aged 20, had a mortgage and plans to marry at 21 - Sorry I should have said had DS too at 21! It was too rushed, I left him at 22. DS is now 21 :O

I met DD's dad when I was DS was 3 so 24/5ish... We had never lived together, although lots of stuff at each others places etc - he had been previously married, we met through his wife, his was 12 months seperated when we go together. I was 33 when I gave birth to his unplanned baby (was told couldn't have kids, unprotected sex for over 6 years..) We tried to move in and near killed each other (exaggeration).

I think that because I have lived on my own pretty much for over 20 years as a SP I couldn't possibly marry anyone and share my space. Of course I get lonely, of course I'd like a hug, but I don't need all the emotion that comes with it, and that makes me feel like I'm weird.

But on the occasion that I have had brief relationships, no matter how deep they went, I am always this is my home, my space, my work, my kids... and that's not through being a dickhead it's through no knowing how to let somebody into my life.

And then if I let them in and it failed?

I've worn myself out writing this I don't think I'm the marrying type!

ps DS and DD both have very good relationships with their respective parents.

I never particularly wanted to get married. My parents have 5 marriages between them. I had been badly let down by 2 men in my life including DS's dad who sadly was a selfish cocklodger (partly my fault for making a bad choice or partner, serious life lesson learnt).

I met my now DH and felt incredibly lucky to have a genuinely nice man in my life. He was kind, selfless, funny and an all round lovely man. I kind of assumed it was all too good to be true until he proposed after 3 years together.

I expected nothing to change, but it has. It has proved to me that he wants us to be a team. I feel more secure, safer and more optimistic about the future.

I'll always worry a bit about the future, because I'm a realist. However I'm surprised to find how much more secure I feel post marriage.

It changed things for me- it gave me the security I'd always craved. I love being married and we definitely feel happy and secure.

When people say marriage gave them ‘security’, the increasing divorce rate confirms that marriage is not really a permanent fixture, so therefore is entering into this ‘contract’, as some people refer to it as, not a false sense of security? Let’s face it, you or your partner could choose to terminate your relationship at any point, whether you are married or not.

If you have children it gives you some legal protection, so that's not a false sense of security.
If you take marriage seriously then it would make you feel more secure. If 'marriage' is just a big party to someone, then its likely to turn out a massive let down, because real life is mostly about dealing with boring stuff like blocked drains with the same person for the next 30 years.

Yes but getting divorced is an almighty hassle . Mine has taken over a year and isn’t over yet.

Like a pp, I am definitely not getting married again.

So seriously, are us strange people who are not intending to get married really missing out?

you are missing out on the legal protections/privileges offered by the contract of marriage - and there are many. Other than that you aren't missing a thing.

Also you are not strange - loads of people don't marry their partners.

Also those of us who do marry - many of us didn't actually give a shit when aged 5 about weddings or care about dresses etc. Try to steer clear of really tedious stereotypes. I couldn't give a shit about dresses or princesses or any of that stuff - was a child in the 1960s when it seemed way less important for girls anyway.

I was a marriage sceptic, even after I said yes to the proposal! I absolutely believed that it wouldn't change anything, and only provide some legal security. I thought the wedding would be (overall) a waste of money that we could use towards a deposit for a house.

However, for me, marriage has been so much more (despite having a non-religious ceremony). I love the fact that my husband and I publicly announced our commitment to one another, and that our family and friends were there to see it. In fact, I feel closer to my friends and family as a result as it feels like we're all bonded through my husband and my vows.

As ElspethFlashman mentioned above, DH seems more 'real' to my family and friends now that we're married than before our wedding. Unfortunately, my brother's partner (who has been living with him for longer than I have been with my husband) is not seen as a permanent fixture in the family, whereas my husband is. Only after we got married did my husband become "Uncle " to my nieces and nephews whereas my brother's partner is not "Auntie _" but just called by her name.

I feel a lot more committed to my husband than I did before - I'm mentally more prepared to go through hardship with him than when we were dating. Also, I feel more like we're a team and am more conscious that our individual actions affect each other - I'm a lot more considerate of his viewpoint about seemingly innocuous details (e.g. house decor) than I ever would be if we were unmarried.

Of course, you can achieve all these things without a marriage, but for me it really did change my viewpoint on the relationship and how we treat one another.

Overall, I think the biggest change is how our relationship is viewed by others - it's seen as more permanent and serious than when we were dating (we were together for 4 years before marriage).

Getting married ruined our relationship. I wish I hadn't done it. I think my husband felt forced into it even though we'd been engaged for years before getting married (and he was the one who did the asking!) In the past four years there's been financial abuse, (that stopped when I stood up to him and we had it out, I think that's the only time I've ever properly shouted at him) which led to me having to separate our money, emotional infidelity (still ongoing) and him completely withdrawing from any intimacy, as well as countless dramas involving him and his friends that I refuse to get involved in. But I've learned that I am independent and self sufficient enough that I can survive without him (I've been with him nearly all my adult life.) About bloody time too!

Getting married ruined our relationship.

No it didn't. Forcing someone into marriage probably ruined your relationship. Although I think it more likely that your husband's shit behaviour, emotional infidelity, lack of intimacy, etc ruined your relationship. Attribute it to the marriage ceremony if you want. The reality is the ceremony/contract had nothing to do with the destruction of your relationship. It isn't a magic spell.

So agree @pallisers. I despise it when people say All little girls dream of getting married..... It's total shit. I never dreamed about it, I never once fantasised about a dress or any sort of plans. I did get married when I was 29 and I wore a wedding dress- but it wasn't the pinnacle of my life's dreams.....

I don't understand how "taking his name" makes anyone happy
Watched a recent wedding reality thingy
The bride and groom were introduced at the wedding reception as Mr and Mrs David Smith
Does the bride not have a name? even if she chooses to take her husbands surname why is her first name left out?

We’ve been married 22 years and like a previous poster we married within a year, although we were friends for about a year before that. We met at 26 and married when we were 27. I had actually never been someone to fantasize about marriage, especially when I was younger, I was oblivious. I was also aware of quite a few unhappy marriages so had no romantic ideas.

However, a couple of things happened. I had a conversion experience and became Catholic. I gradually grew to understand that marriage was held in great regard by the church and was given a lot of support by the community. I also met a lot of very happily married couples. So I started to give marriage a lot more thought and serious consideration. I started to become open to the idea and didn’t see it as pointless anymore. I also had a couple of relationships and grew to understand you needed to have the personal qualities in yourself that you wanted in your spouse, I grew up and matured I suppose.

The second part was that I had a very insecure young adulthood as my parents died when I was a teen and I lived independently since I was 16. So marriage has given me a great security and happiness that I appreciate more and more as the years pass. I get great joy by giving our 3 teens a secure and happy home and parents who love each other and show it. My husband is hard working but a lot of fun, he is very interesting and I don’t get bored which was always my fear when I was younger. We talk and share a lot every day.

Also my husband took my name! (His choice) So we all have my family name !

I agree with PP that 'marriage' and 'wedding' are different things. You don't need to have a wedding to be married.

DH and I got married at the registry office on a Friday afternoon with no family, 2 friends as witnesses, and went to the local pub after for a meal. The only thing that has changed is I say "my husband" rather than "my boyfriend", and my surname is different.

We got married mainly for legal reasons. I'm an EU citizen and was worried about Brexit and I was pregnant at the time (with DHs baby!).

I never felt pressured by society to have a big fancy wedding 🤷🏼‍♀️

In saying that though, I do like being married. I feel like we are a proper team.

We were together for 21 years before we got married. I. Ever much wanted to, though DP was keen and had proposed more than once. Then a practical reason emerged, so we did the giving notice, got a cancellation at our local registry office, collected two friends who were free in the daytime at no notice, went for lunch afterwards, and promptly forgot about it. I don’t think we told family for months, and I’m not sure to this day when our wedding anniversary is.

Which is a long way around of saying it changed nothing at all in our relationship, only bound us legally, which we needed for external reasons.

A wedding is one day. Life continues the same for most people - assuming you live together beforehand.
Beni g married changes nothi g for m8st people again assuming you've already been exclusive and invested emotionally in each other.
A wedding does not magically transform your lives.

People get married knowing that the relationship might end at some point.
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There's a high rate of divorce, Yes! The non-married relationships are breaking up at the same rate or possibly higher than marriages, only that in this instance it's easier to track divorces as they're registered.
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If those married weren't married the breakup would've happened anyways only that this time they're protected with marriage legalities.
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All relationships can end, married or not. However, if you decide to have kids it's smarter to be married.

I like us being a unit legally and socially. I changed my name because of this too (also his was easier to pronounce and spell )

We are a family - for a long time it looked like it would just be us 2 so this wasn't a child thing although we did eventually have kids and I'm pleased we were married before they arrived.

Both of us have happily married parents so to us marriage was 'a good thing'. Didn't change our relationship at all though.

Not fussed at all about the wedding. We had a small one although with some traditional touches pretty much for my mum. It was a great fun day though.

It didn’t really change our relationship, in the sense that we’d probably be where we are now even if we hadn’t got married, but I’m still glad we did it and it did feel like a nice thing to do. I grew up thinking marriage was pointless...if you love each other why bother making it official? So I wasn’t one to be dreaming of a big wedding. My husband changed my mind on it when I saw how much it meant to him for us to be officially family. I knew it was what I wanted too, and I was over the moon when he proposed to me.

I took his name by choice. He had reasonable reasons for not taking mine (for a start he struggled to pronounce it) and we both wanted the same name. It’s been great, because I don’t need a name to stay connected to my family, but taking his name has made me feel closer to his.

I also like the recognition that comes with marriage that we intend to always be a partnership. Sure, marriages end, but it still feels more legitimate to introduce my husband (sounds more permenant) than my boyfriend (sounds like “this is who I’m dating right now”). Everyone is different though, and I appreciate that a lot of people don’t think about this in the same way. A close member of my family has been with her partner for 12+ years with no intention of marrying as it’s not their cup of tea. Each to their own.

My relationship stayed the same! Just more legal protection so you may as well especially with children

I was very young and naive when I got married. I wish I hadn't rushed into it and enjoyed just getting to know each other more. And had more fun together.
I agree that marriage doesn't give anyone security, because you just don't know if someone is going to change for better or worse... it's only now I realise that relationships aren't all about hearts and flowers and feel like I've wasted a few years focusing on the wrong things. However we are still together 19 years later despite the bumpy road.

I got married at 63 after we’d been together for 7 years and very happy
For me, it was about getting older, turning up at hospital and saying ..excuse me which ward is my partner in? And it sounding a bit temporary

6 months after the wedding , I turned up at hospital asking to see my husband who’d been brought in earlier on account of a stroke!