Custody - for what reasons would a parent be awarded primary care over the original primary caregiver?

[SemperIdem]

I should know this, having studied family law but it was some years ago now and simply cannot remember.

I don’t have any concerns regarding the custody of my own child, my estranged husband and I co-parent very amicably.

However, he has met someone new (I’m pleased for him) and mentioned in passing more than anything, that she had lost custody of her child/ren. No further explanation given. I asked if I could meet her, and again extended the offer of him meeting my partner, was told no on both counts.

It makes me feel a little bit uneasy. I’m fully aware I can’t make him meet my partner or make him introduce me to his, the losing custody aspect makes me keener to meet her than I would be, in all honesty.

That would make me pretty uneasy too, I'd like to know why before my child spent time with her.

If the children are older, it could be as simple as them telling CAFCASS that they'd prefer to live with their father.

How do you know she was the primary caregiver ?

I didn’t think on it too much when he told me, mostly because I got the impression it was relatively new relationship and she wasn’t spending time with our daughter just yet. However, he’s been redecorating her bedroom and I happened to see them together getting things for her room, and it dawned on me that they likely are all spending time together.

Now - I respect him as a parent and don’t for a second think that I can dictate his life to him. Much as he can’t dictate mine, though the offer to meet my partner has been on the table for over a year and been solidly refused, even though we moved in together recently.

However knowing that detail, without context, about her does make me feel uneasy. In the main because our daughter is so young, I think.

Totally not the same but actually reminds me of dd's dads last girlfriend, who was/is a nursery nurse. She was sacked 3 times in the time dd spoke of her being dads friend then dads gf, bout 18 months. The third time was just after dd had met her, I overheard him telling dd that she had had problems and been sacked again, I called him straight after to ask wtf was going on.

A friend of ours has just been awarded custody, the mums been a 'secret'(only to herself I think) heroin addict for years. Has gone fucking mental with conspiracy theories not letting the dc eat as foods poisoned by the gov.

New

Because he said, in the midst of a genuinely pleasant conversation about how he’d realised how good our post split relationship is in terms of co-parenting, that his new girlfriend had had a “terrible divorce and lost custody”, can’t remember with 100% clarity if it was child or children. And also that she moved back to the city we live in, whilst the child/ren live in another city.

To “lose” custody then you would have to have had it to start with?

wots

I know it could be as simple as that, I believe it is an older child involved. My ex is significantly older than me and she is more of an age with him than she is with me.

I’m not assuming that she’s the devil incarnate, it’s just a detail I wish I knew in context.

It could be anything.
Child's wishes where an older child
Substance or alcohol abuse
Breakdown
Abusive subsequent partner and SS involvement
Nasty ex who made up stuff and was believed
Blackmail
A mixture of the above

She may have moved on and got over whatever it was. Bit odd ex, with whom you co-parent well, won't let you meet her though.

You're going to have to trust his judgement. How old is DD?

shalli I think it is odd too. Odder still that he has refused to meet my partner, given it is a relationship established enough for us to now be living together. My ex’s tendency to ignore anything he finds difficult to process is extremely well documented however, so it’s odd but not out of character.

In the spirit of co-parenting positively into the future, I think it is quite vital that we meet each other’s new partners and that they in turn, meet each other.

Still working on that aspect of co-parenting.

They don’t do it lightly, put it that way.

A friend of mine has been fighting his ex for custody for years. His ex is an unstable drug addict who sofa surfs and drags their now ten year old son along for the ride. The only stability he has is when he visits his Dad on his access days. He has taken her to court for years but it’s never been granted.

They only generally do it in cases of severe abuse or neglect. I would be concerned.

She’s 3, shalli.

I do understand that my meeting her will have no bearing on their relationship - it would be a courtesy thing rather than some sort of audition (Britain’s Next Top StepMother?).

I think that to bring up that snippet of conversation with him weeks later, to ask for more context, could well annoy him and make him think I am questioning his judgement, whereas, depending on the why, I might not be at all. I’m questioning his unusually poor communication skills a little bit at the moment mind.

How old is your child?
This would cause me concern too, mainly because the vast majority of people who lose custody of their children tend to downplay or down right lie about why they lost custody so even if they do tell you I wouldn't assume its the truth.
Contact SS, they will not be able to give you any details but should be able to inform you if you need to worry about safeguarding your child. They also can't tell the ex or gf that you've asked.

And also that she moved back to the city we live in, whilst the child/ren live in another city.

If the dc is/are secondary school age, perhaps s/he didn't want to move and have to change schools?

I know a couple of mothers with no custody who are good mothers. The reasons are variable but both are devastated by it and neither has ever hurt their kids.

Sometimes it can be as simple as making one wrong choice (often leaving the house without the kids) and it can really work against you. Sadly the system doesn't always work how you'd expect.

Also is it no contact at all or just not the resident parent?
No contact at all is very unusual except in extreme cases and if a child has chosen to have no contact with their mum that is equally unusual.

If your DD is young i think you have a responsibility to make sure there is no reason why this woman shouldn’t be spending time with your child. Losing custody could be nothing to concern you or it could be grave. Does the girlfriend see her children? Unsupervised? That would give you an indication of whether or not social services would have a concern.

Does he mean lost custody? Or the father is the resident parent.

Who is to say she was the primary care giver?

My oldest child lives with her father. It was her choice. She doesn't like rules and he lets her do what she wants. He also spun her a sob story about how o didnt want to work at our martiage and abandoned him. I have sought legal advice which is that I can go to court but a court can't make her come to me. Exh was abusive to me and I am nervous wreck that she is with him.

But It's nice to know that people will judge me as an unfit parent or be concerned I am danger to other kids. That's really nice.

I know of someone recently who “lost custody” of her children. Not sure if that’s the technical term, but would be in common parlance.

She had 50/50 custody, but moved to another city. She tried to move the children with her I believe, but I understand the court ruled they should stay in their school and hence with their father full time. She has them at weekends sometimes. So, “lost custody”.

Thats

I’ve said on this thread that I don’t know the why, so I’m not judging her as anything at present. I haven’t even spoken to the woman, only seen her from a distance.

She does see her child, not sure what the arrangements are for that, during above conversation ex said he wouldn’t be seeing her that weekend as she was seeing her child. What form that takes as in supervised/unsupervised, I’ve no idea.

Sell

I fully appreciate it could be that exact scenario that’s happens and my ex has inadvertently described it in the most dramatic way possible (he wouldn’t seek to cause drama so it really would be a case of it being accidental).

It’s not keeping me up at night,and I’m not seeking to cause an argument myself by questioning him in a way that would imply I don’t trust him. It’s just been a niggle since I saw them shopping for her bedroom furniture together and realised that she almost certainly is spending time with my daughter (which is fine in and of itself, my partner spends time with her, we’ve moved on from each other).

Circumstances were I'm aware of people who've lost custody :

In two scenarios failure to protect children from domestic violence even though they weren't the aggressor, coupled with a stubborn refusal to follow compulsory recommendations put in place by SS to keep them with family.

Children at risk from RP's own drug use in the home

Mother perpetually returning to a toxic partner against SS guidance

And in one case because they were on the game/drugs though they lied about this to friends and made themselves out to be a victim of draconian SS miscarriage of justice of the kind described on the recent social services bashing thread

And one because they were seriously mentally unwell

So all in all quite serious stuff

"Losing custody" is quite different from choosing to live with the other parent and still seeing their DM, and alarm bells would ring for me

In all honesty - when he first told me, I did think about it briefly and automatically assumed “horrible fucker of an ex has lied his arse off about her and that was the net result”.

But I came to that conclusion based on zero facts, just the belief that my ex wouldn’t be with someone who was unsafe to be around our child.

I need to find the right moment to ask him to clarify what he meant by “lost custody”.

That would worry me too Op - what do Google / Facebook / mutual friends say?

I think you might also need to find out the age of the DC, and why the new partner moved cities. If it is a teenager, totally happy in school and with DDad, then staying could be a practical, child-led outcome. But why did she move away? Unmissable career opportunity, care of elderly parents? Those sorts of choices and balances might not be the ones you'd make, but they needn't be cause for concern.