Custody - for what reasons would a parent be awarded primary care over the original primary caregiver?

[SemperIdem]

I should know this, having studied family law but it was some years ago now and simply cannot remember.

I don’t have any concerns regarding the custody of my own child, my estranged husband and I co-parent very amicably.

However, he has met someone new (I’m pleased for him) and mentioned in passing more than anything, that she had lost custody of her child/ren. No further explanation given. I asked if I could meet her, and again extended the offer of him meeting my partner, was told no on both counts.

It makes me feel a little bit uneasy. I’m fully aware I can’t make him meet my partner or make him introduce me to his, the losing custody aspect makes me keener to meet her than I would be, in all honesty.

The most likely situation is that she isn't the resident parent. But that's enough to make you concerned?

So your assumption are any mother who isn't the RL should be treated with suspicion.

To “lose” custody then you would have to have had it to start with?

I wouldn't agree with that - you ask any father who is the NRP and he will use the term 'lost custody/didn't get custody'. It very much a generic throwaway term. Residency rather than custody is the term used legally, but people still talk about he/she got custody/custody battles etc

I'd also say, if you are married and have children you both have custody, when one leaves and takes the children the other loses that custody, colloquially.

He may have been the SAHP or part time, facilitating her employment needs.

I don’t know about Facebook, we mutually agreed that we wouldn’t be on each other’s social media, so we can live our lives separately from each other in some way as we’re in such close contact regarding our daughter via texts etc.

I don’t want to go down the rabbit hole of googling her, she doesn’t have an unusual name and rationally speaking I cannot imagine he would choose to be with someone who wasn’t a safe/healthy person to be around children. But the niggle exists because of that comment made without context nevertheless.

Thats

My child is 3. I am trying to iron away a niggle caused by what my ex has said.

I would treat any parent who said they had “lost custody” with a degree of suspicion, if there was no further context added such as “my partner was a satp/they’re older and didn’t want to move schools/my ex is a cunt who used the fact I suffer with depression sometimes against me” etc.

It is not because she is a mother that I view her with suspicion! I’m not actually viewing her with suspicion at all, I know a snippet of her life and don’t know why that has happened. That snippet has made me feel uneasy.

I’m not suggesting every mother who isn’t the RP is a shit one, my concern is that I know that she isn’t but not why.

She's 3 so obviously unable to take any care of herself. I understand completely your concerns. You can hope to persuade him but if he won't I'm afraid you will have to trust him.

PS "I'm questioning his..communication skills mind" - are you in Wales by any chance???? 🤣

Ha! Yes I am shalli!

Apparently I sound very English until I add a “mind” or “by there” into a sentence and then the ruse is up!

Now in a minute gives me away!

could the new partner be from another country? have delivered the children over seas?

I see a lot of shit that children have to put up with whilst living with their mums. They don't lose custody easily at all. I'd be concerned about my child being around her and I would want all the facts and I wouldn't care about upsetting my ex to get them. This isnt about his judgement.

You can loose custody because you don't have a suitable home for instance. In an acrimonious split all kind of things could have been said of course. Perhaps she had other issues at the time eg mental health problems. There's legitimate reasons why a court would award custody to the father, the number one reason being that the child(ren) expressed a strong preference. The court also takes a dim view of the parent wanting to move cities which in effect would disrupt the other parents access.

But what would OP do if he refused to engage with this and said it's his choice and she can't meet her, and there is no evidence of anything sinister? Stop contact? The court wouldn't support that. They'd say that without evidence of anything sinister she has to trust him. Even if the woman had past issues, she does have contact with her child(ren) so can't be considered a danger.
So all OP can do is speak to XH and hope he changes his mind.
Even if he changes his mind, im not sure that a meeting will give the OP any answers.
I do appreciate how she feels but the question is what could she do?
Speaking with my family lawyer hat on here.

shalli

I know I can’t stop contact and I have no desire to do so. Our daughter is a very happy child and I think we both hold that as paramount in how we deal with each other. Unfortunately I think that means we sometimes don’t question each other as we should, for fear of rocking the boat. I would never deny my child her father, it isn’t in her best interest to do so.

You could tell him you think you need some help discussing this issue and do it with a mediator? I can understand your need to know. And he's just making that worse by being all cloak and dagger-y
Difficult situation, because he's likely to tell her and then it becomes a "thing". But you'd hope that everyone can be adult and understand each other.
Whatever happened is probably extremely painful for her.

I don’t ‘have custody’ of my eldest child. We swapped residency last year.

It was absolutely the right thing for my child. My child wasn’t happy here, for various reasons, none of which are because of me/us.

Turns out the grass was not greener and my child now desperately wants to come home but my ex is being stubborn and my DH is reluctant to get my eldest’s hopes up, or bring a drama on our children here.

It’s shit. I’m not though.

There are literally hundreds of reasons why this may be the case. You’d have to get it from her/them.