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Original poster

OH stayed out all night

37 replies

Mumwestyorks · 24/08/2018 07:29

Hi
I just need some help to work out whether I’m over-reacting?
My OH has just rolled in at 7am after a night out with work. His nights out, while fairly rare these days, are a sore topic as he’s rubbish at staying in contact when he’s out (often reading messages but not reply or admitting later that he’d seen a missed call but ‘forgot’ to ring me back). I think it’s because of how drunk he gets.
Anyway I’d asked him in advance if he’ll try keep in contact this time if I message him and I also asked what time he thought he’d be getting home. He wasn’t happy to be asked and said ‘I don’t know, 3am, 4am, 5am?!’. My reaction when he said that should have indicated I wouldn’t be happy if he came in at 5am.... let alone the 7am he actually came home at?
I’m home with our 2.5yo and am 25 weeks pregnant with our second. So I realise hormones might be getting me more upset than I should be.
But I feel so cross and upset that he came home at that time? Am I wrong?
I feel cross as he knows my back is causing me massive pain (due to pregnancy) and I’d already stressed to him about how worried I was about managing today with our toddler. And he comes home at the time our toddler wakes?! So now he’s going to spend all day in bed?
He also virtually crossed paths with his older daughter (my stepdaughter) who was getting up to go to work..! Which is cringey.
Anyway, am I being over the top?

OP posts:
redbirdblackbird · 24/08/2018 07:31

In my opinion- yes you are

ScreamingValenta · 24/08/2018 07:32

Does he look after your 2.5 year old sometimes so you can go out? Obviously you might not want an all-night session (especially now you are pregnant) but is there a balance or is it all you doing the looking-after?

PollyFlinderz · 24/08/2018 07:33

No. I dont think you are being unreasonable and even if you weren't pregnant I wouldn't think you were being unreasonable.

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Heratnumber7 · 24/08/2018 07:33

You say this is rare, so yes.

Re the not keeping in contact - it's only about 15 years ago that it was rare for people to have a mobile. How do you think people managed then?

ABitCrapper · 24/08/2018 07:34

I would be fuming as well. And that time would indicate a one night stand to me. Also that amount of drinking must be bloody expensive and really bad for his health.
If DH drank like that it would be a deal breaker personally.

QueenOfMyWorld · 24/08/2018 07:38

Depends how often it happens.My dh rarely goes out the last time he did was a year ago and he came in still drunk at 8am! This was because hed watched a boxing match live that was in America that finished at 6am though.I packed him off to bed straight away then let him sleep it off.Pick your battles, if it's rare then let it go

Strawberrybelly · 24/08/2018 07:39

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. If his nights out are rare then I wouldn't worry about him coming in that late why does he need to text you all night and why are you ringing him? Just go to bed and leave him be. Make sure though that you also get time out for nights out where he is looking after the children.

pigeondujour · 24/08/2018 07:39

So now he’s going to spend all day in bed?

Says who, him? I don't think it's fair to expect him to text/call you/answer non-emergency calls when he's out, but I also don't think men with small children and pregnant wives get to stay in bed all day. It's not even the weekend!

Kittykat93 · 24/08/2018 07:44

Op you'll probably get loads of people on here saying you're being unreasonable. But I would be really pissed off and don't think it's acceptable, not when you're pregnant and looking after a young child. He needs to grow up a bit.

DBN1 · 24/08/2018 07:55

YANBU! I can understand the not responding to calls/messages as I've done it myself in the past. In saying that though, you're pregnant and have a DC so it wouldn't hurt him just to make sure everything is ok at home.
7am? What was he doing until then? That's what I'd be pissed off about!

FlipperSocks · 24/08/2018 07:56

I wouldn’t be happy if this was the kind of thing my partner was prioritising over family life. You’re in it together and all night drinking sessions just don’t make it into the priority list when you have small kids and a pregnant wife.
It doesn’t sound as is he’s in the frame of mind to hear it though going on his reaction to your question about coming home. It might be possible to open up communication at a later time so you can let him know how it makes you feel without it blowing up.

happinessischocolate · 24/08/2018 07:56

I wouldn't be happy with my OH coming home at 7am and it was a deal breaker for me when pregnant with our second child, so I changed the locks and kicked him out, he had been unfaithful 2 years previously though so slightly different. Has he said where he was until that time?

You are unreasonable for calling and texting when he's out though, unless it's urgent you should let him just enjoy his night.

FrozenMargarita17 · 24/08/2018 07:58

I'm not one to be fussed by my Dh going out and getting drunk (apart from the fact he FaceTimes me 11 times at midnight). But coming home at 7am is like a whole other level of 'going out out'. Why would he come home at that time? Clubs shut between 1-4 depending on where you are right?

I also can't stand the whole hangover day after BUT it sort of comes with the territory whether he's out til 7am or 1am really. I always write the day after off because I know I wouldn't be able to help much!

Teaandcrisps · 24/08/2018 07:59

7am - wtf was he doing until that time?

yikesanotherbooboo · 24/08/2018 08:02

The bit I sympathise with is the fact that I start to worry if it gets very late . I'm not sure why you would expect him to contact you during the night out but if eg you are expecting him at 1.00 am and he doesn't come home then it is hard to fall asleep expecting the front door to open at any minute. If he has decided to spend the night somewhere then good manners should mean a quick text, 'staying at Bob's, Home in the morning '. You could then relax. Unfortunately alcohol rather ruins time keeping and I have been a victim of lax contact many many times over the years. If it's only occasional then I would probably let it go after all he will be the one with the hangover.

Mary1935 · 24/08/2018 08:03

No - he’s rude and is not respecting your feelings at all. I would be asking where he was until 7 am - i think he deliberately stayed out to give you a message.
I hope your back his better.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 24/08/2018 08:04

What was he doing until 7? Can you afford whatever he was up to being out for that long? To me that's more important than the time itself.

My DH sometimes goes to see friends and sleeps there after so comes back later the next day, but never actively out and drinking so late, so even though I'm pretty relaxed, I think yanbu be a little concerned, and also a bit annoyed if it means the entire next day is a write-off and / or he's blown a ton of cash on this.

brokenharbour · 24/08/2018 08:05

Was about to say too where on earth has he been? I can never find anywhere open past 11 (but tend to be done by 9 these days anyway!)

I can understand why you're cross. If it's his day off work today he should be spending time with his daughter and giving you a break, not sleeping off a hangover. I am 17 weeks with a three year old too, and had all day at home with her yesterday and my dp went out after work and rolled in at midnight. I didn't mind but did feel quite satisfied when he had to get up at 5:30 for work. I would have been very upset if he'd stayed out all night before a day off. He's another one that doesn't reply to texts when out so I don't bother texting anymore, but to be fair he only goes out every couple of months or so.

He did once turn up at 3am when I was 40 weeks pregnant, no communication about where he was. That was a Christmas party though so I let him off!

QueenOfMyWorld · 24/08/2018 08:06

I agree with Stuckforthefourthtime when my dh stayed out he was at a friends in our village with shop bought booze so cheap night,if he had stayed out til that time when clubs shut at 3am with no contact id be fuming

Original poster
Mumwestyorks · 24/08/2018 08:15

Thanks everyone for replies - all very helpful.
He says he was out at a club which closed at 6am (I checked and that’s true), though couldn’t remember who he was with there when I asked him (in his drunken state).
Re contact on nights out, I only meant if I’ve ever rung or texted him when out, for whatever reason (not often!), he rarely replies which has pissed me off in the past (one time I needed to go to hosp but couldn’t get hold of him).
I just struggle with him thinking it ok to come home at a time when my day starts with the toddler. Maybe I’m just jealous.

OP posts:
QueenOfMyWorld · 24/08/2018 08:21

Well as soon as you feel up to it after the bsby is born make sure you do the same! 😁

AnyFucker · 24/08/2018 08:26

I wouldn't stay in a relationship with a man who acted like this

To me, 7am hometime indicates drugs, gambling or women. None of those things fit with a man who has two young children at home.

Nevermindhey · 24/08/2018 08:30

Nope not acceptable.

CherryPlum · 24/08/2018 08:33

YANBU at all, I would be gutted if my DP stayed out till 7am, that's beyond a joke. WTF is he thinking?!

YeTalkShiteHen · 24/08/2018 08:35

7am? In no fit state to function and expecting to stay in bed all day?

That’s not a man, that’s a twat.