12 year old daughter no friends and is lonely

[Kelly1605]

Hi, I’m
Wondering if anyone can help or has had the same issue. My daughter has just turned 12, she has kids she speaks too at school and walks around with etc but has no real close friends. She always struggled with this her whole life and she has been crying to me saying she “just wants a friend” and it breaks my heart. She has no one to go do things with in the holidays etc we take her places obviously but it’s not the same not having another kid similar age for her to talk too. She’s an only child and my boyfriend also has a 3 year old that stays with us 3 days of the week. She is a very young 12, I think she struggles having anything in common with the 12 year olds she knows as they all like make up, boys etc but she likes to draw, sew and collect squishes. I think she is very mildly autistic also which makes it all
harder, I just don’t now what to do to
Help :(
Any replies would be appreciated so much! Xx

Are there any clubs close by? Perhaps the Brownies (or whatever they are called)

I don't think there is much aside from a sick child that upsets a parent more than this.

It's so hard. One of mine struggled a bit in primary but did come on more in Secondary. What are your DD"s main interests? A club could help...somewhere she'd meet like-minded kids.

Some children do take longer to find their tribe; I myself took longer. At 16 I joined a local youth theatre and suddenly had kids I actually got on with...it was a revelation! It can happen later xxx

Thanks for reply :) It’s hard because of her age really I mean really she’s too old for brownies and she has no interst in dance, drama etc. All she likes to do is draw, sew and collect things.
She’s even tried to make sort of pen friend friends on Instagram but no one really engages with her it’s all so sad. I myself don’t have friends with kids similar ages so it’s not like I can pair her up that way either :( xx

I would recommend Guides - the section above Brownies. They should do a variety of different things if it is a decent unit - there will be craft activities and cooking, mixed in with other things (outdoor activities, camps trips etc) They have just updated their programme so have a look at the Guiding website. You can also find units in your area there. My DD has just left having turned 14, but she has loved her time at guides, despite being the only girl from her school there. I think the great thing about Guides is that you can try new things without having to worry about whether you have to like them - it's one week, the next week's activity will be something entirely different. She may discover a passion for climbing or archery - something she never thought of trying out before!

Have no suggestions but I can sympathise. My 14 yr old DS has no friends. He struggles socially and very rarely leaves the house. When he was younger he went to quite a few groups. Now he refuses. He is lonely but I don't know how to change that.

I have dd's of 11+12, the 12 yo has Instagram if you want to swop Instagram details? She also has no interest in boys and likes sewing and crafts etc.

I totally agree with Seeline - Guides are great and will usually be a whole new load of girls that your daughter won’t know from school and will be different ages as well.

There are sewing clubs for kids out there...what town do you live in? Also, art clubs and classes.

I don't have any good advice Kelly but my 9 year old is similar in that she doesn't have any proper friends either and it is heartbreaking.

I think Guides is a good idea though. My friend at school was in the Guides and now volunteers as an adult and always talks positively about Guides.

OP, this was me. I was your daughter. At the time, it was very, very hard. But as time passed, my interests changed, and so did those of the people around me. I started to develop friendships, and there are some wonderful people in my life now, many of whom are from my teens. I still don't have a 'best friend' as such but that honestly doesn't bother me. I am and have always been very self-sufficient. I have DH and DD, and I am honestly very, very happy. Your DD can be too. Encourage her to try new things for a few months at a time, and it will happen.

I was her. I remember keenly how lonely I felt and how I felt I never fit in. I really recommend finding a club based around her interests, even if it is online (obviously with supervision). I made my best friends online as I think I was more relaxed and less worried about impressing people. But a real life club would be even better. It can be easier to strike up friendships with people you have something in common with, which is the problem she is having just now.

Tell her to hang in there. It became so much easier for me once I left school and was exposed to many different people.

Does she play games at all such as fortnite or minecraft?

Would your daughter try a sports club for a month, there are lots of different types. My children go and other children of a similar age join by themselves and the club welcomes new members. There might also be an art club nearby or a book club in a library nearby.

Get her into a hobby group of some kind. Get her to try things at least, she might find she likes them even if she doesn’t expect to. I was that lonely 12yo and as much as the parent is upset, it’s infinitely worse for the child. I used to feel like there was no place for me in this world and I wished I was dead. Failing to develop social skills and friendships at that age has a lifelong negative effect.

I was your daughter OP! i didnt really have friends until college, i got through school with my nose in a book, and usually spent my breaks in the library during the winter, or on a bench in the summer, i did thing like riding and horse shows in the summers, but didnt really have friends until i went to college, it will get better though! I second what a previous poster said about Guides though! my other suggestion is to see if there is maybe an archery club around? there should be some doing introductory sessions soon, i found it was a wonderful thing, and i met some realy good friends there! or any other sort of sports club really :)

An art club?

Agree with op, an art class or sewing club is the way forward.

Another vote for guides.

Can you not be her friend? Sounds really corny but when you get older your mum can be a better friend than anybody.

And if you do friend things with her and build her confidence, just get her feeling generally a little bit happier step by step she will probably be standing you up to go out with mates in no time!

OP, my 13 year old DD is on Instagram and would love to make an Instagram pen pal if you like? She’s not into makeup/fashion/boys etc and loves art. Her Instagram feed is basically a string of photos of her artwork and her dog.

I’ll PM and see what you think.

My local library has a couple of Saturday clubs for 12-14 year olds. I think one of them is manga drawing type stuff. Might be worth checking if your library offers similar.
Also, have a look at local volunteering opportunities. Animal rescue places, for example, or one off things such as pond dredging where you could maybe go with her. She wouldn't necessarily meet people of a similar age, but it would be something hopefully interesting to do out of the house.
Could she invite one of the girls from school on something like a cinema trip? I bet at least one of them would be glad of her company during the holidays.

Low key informal clubs maybe? Guides might suit, my DD goes to an Art Club which is more like a social hang out with some drawing. Does she play any instruments? There might be junior bands locally.

I was this child too, my parents put a lot of energy into facilitating friendship-making opportunities including brownies and other hobby groups...but that just gave me more places to be friendless unfortunately.

In my case the problem was me, I couldn't just naturally pick up social skills, and being repeatedly thrown at groups of children my age didn't cure that! I could knock along happily with others, but not convert it to meaningful relationships, and all my friends had their own groups of friends that I was not in. It was very lonely.

I truly wish the problem had been picked up on earlier, my parents either didn't realise it was me, or thought it would hurt my confidence to suggest I was doing something wrong. I think they tried to protect me by telling me I just wasn't meeting the right people. Eventually as a young adult I spent a lot of time researching friendship making psychology, and now have excellent friendships in my life and am much more confident socially.

Can you observe her with other children? Its unlikely its just a hobby issue, plenty of children have diverse friends, and it's not like the most popular people have the most popular hobbies, the most popular people can make a friend and find a connection with almost anybody. This is an incredibly wonderful life skill and can be learned.

There are books that exist for all age groups that teach specific social skills. They also have the advantage of showing that this is a common problem that many people need help with and nothing to be ashamed of. Its no different to needing extra help with maths or sports or anything else.

Here's one, Amazon have loads

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0963815210/?coliid=I1ET905VK724L0&colid=24ZVNQQRGCWM3&psc=0&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it

is she at primary or high school? My 12 year old Dd went through this at the end of primary but seems to have found her tribe towards the end of first year at secondary. Their wee group seems to have quite a few new kids that joined the class as well so befriending any new kids might be worth a try.

I also strongly recommend guides as well. Also you say she has some friends she walks about with- Could she invite one or two for a sleepover? Also are there any clubs at school she might be interested in going to?

My dd has no interest in boys, make up etc either so she's definitely not the only one. It seems to be about 50/50 and i think a lot of them just pretend to be interesting so make themselves seem cool.

To the poster Leeds2 that is a fantastic idea to volunteer at an animal rescue centre....it reminded me of a friends very quiet shy daughter who struggled to make friends but after a summer at a local animal charity really came out of her shell and gained so much confidence.She now works there full time and has really blossomed. It's so difficult and ever so upsetting as a parent.