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Original poster

Returning to work full time - impact on kids

59 replies

Whydoilikebroccoli · 21/08/2018 08:36

I've had a wonderful 7 years at home with my kids and now it's time to re-enter the workplace. I could get a part time position but we really could do with me earning a full time salary. My dd starts school in September so all kids in school. It's just a massive adjustment psychologically as I've always been able to take the kids to school and pick them up. I've always felt this was important. However, when I go back to work they will require after school care. It makes me feel guilty like I'm not putting their needs first. I worry as DD gets so tired, staying until 530-6 seems too long. I also remember my mum returning to full time work when I was at primary school and really hating having to go to a childminder.

I'm just being a bit precious about the children and also lacking confidence at the change. I'm not even sure what I'm asking for. Experiences maybe?

OP posts:
footballmum · 21/08/2018 18:42

I’ve worked FT since DSs were 10 and 7. We’ve coped with a combination of grandparents and after school care. It’s not all plain sailing and some weeks are stressful than others but in my personal experience I was far more stressed working part time than full time. I always felt I was rushing from one thing to another and that I never gave my job the commitment it needed. Plus I then ended up bringing work home with me. Now when I’m home, I’m home and the children get far more of my attention than they did before.

What I would say (and if this is possible) negotiate the best holiday entitlement possible, even if you take a hit on salary. When they’re in primary school there are so many things that need your attendance where you have to book half a day here and there and I always felt guilty if I couldn’t make it.

VioletFlamingo · 21/08/2018 19:11

I find this argument tricky...
My own mum went back to work when I was 8, quite suddenly, after a divorce meaning she had to earn to survive. It was tough but I remember really admiring my mum who suddenly went from 'just mum' to multi-talented mum. I did miss her picking me up but I lived with it. As I got older I chose to stay in school and do my homework so she could then pick me up at 5:30. I did clubs quite often after school and then she would take me later in the evening to my gym practices which meant I had time with her in the car there and back.
She was a bit of a super woman and often got home at 6:30 then did everything she did before she was a full time working mum. My grandparents/at home nanny looked after me and my brother. I had love/hate relationships with them but I guess the same would have been if I had been with mum. I was more independent and my mum was ridiculously organised because she had to be.
I still remember plenty of time once she was home to show her my homework/get help or make world book day costumes.

I am a teacher and have worked most of the time, full time, since having DC. But they now go to my school (nice discount on the fees!) and so I feel involved in their lives as I can do "drop off" by bringing them in with me to sit in my classroom in the mornings until school starts and then I have the holidays with them.

I see children at school who have full time working parents and they are mostly very happy, well-adjusted and for them it is just 'life'. It brings many perks. Often after school care have a relaxing time before activities. Try to get your DD into the normal after school clubs e.g. Netball Club too so it breaks up the week and gives more variety.

It is tough, but do-able. You need both parents to step up to being equal carers/housekeepers/organisers if you are both working full time and neither with a more demanding job than the other.

Dilemmacentral · 21/08/2018 19:21

Women (and children) are tougher and more resilient than this. Please stop with these 'I'll need smelling salts and my children won't cope' threads about working.

Because all women are “strong” (or at least how you define strong) and all children are hardy resilient characters.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Childcare & nursery Families
Hels20 · 21/08/2018 19:21

In my experience, you can do it but only if one of the parents has flexibility or a great support network. How would you cope if you started a new job and then 3 weeks in, your child got flu and had to be off school for 2 weeks? Would you have someone to care for them?

I work full time but I have v expensive childcare in place and have flexibility. I am frequently exhausted - it’s not just making sure the kids are ok, it’s making sure the house runs. My DH does pull his weight.

There was a v thought provoking article in the Sunday Times magazine which debunked the myth that women can have it all. It is possible but if I could choose not to work, I would take that choice. At least until they are a bit older.

Henryville · 21/08/2018 20:29

Forget what women 'should do' and stop focusing on 'women's' rights'. It's about what works for each family and for a lot of families that means having a parent around part time. It doesn't have to be the mum and people should stop harping on about how we are degrading women. It's a woman asking and it would be the same advice if it was a man asking. Plenty of male friends are the ones who work part time because it works for them.
I don't want to work full time and therefore choose to have a lower income. I like to work but also like to spend time with my family. It is important for many people to enjoy their children's childhood and not be running from pillar to post. It is an individuals right to make that choice and nothing to do with degrading women's rights.
The op should do what's right for her family and for her.

ianbealesonwheels · 21/08/2018 21:16

What is it with mumsnet that women are berated for their (often family oriented) choices - in the name of feminism?!

Oly5 · 21/08/2018 21:46

We both work FT and our kids are thriving. Can you find a job where you start early (7am or so), so that you can be there for pick up. I think being there after school is
Maybe more important than morning drop off?
You could apply for a job FT then ask for an early start

dungandbother · 21/08/2018 23:22

(Kill me quietly) but I do so love that post 7pm, the working mums get home and get on mumsnet.

The tone always flips

I have been both mums. I've done career with a shit husband. Career as a single mum (easier). Career and no support (fucking impossible) moved my life and dropped 60% of my salary yet still working like a Trojan.

All of it is hard. Unless you earn mega bucks to ship out the cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing, that childcare doesn't dent your holiday fund then frankly it ain't fucking worth it.

Work less earn less and love your kids whilst they are little. If your kids have any form of trauma in their lives (divorce, death for example) then eat beans and find love.

Nagsnovalballs · 21/08/2018 23:33

Jeez, how lacking in independence and self-starting are some people’s kids? Grades slipping? Detention? Is this because parents have helicoptered so much that the slightest withdrawal leads to total melt down? I was always left to manage my own workload and projects from the age of 10 and never screwed up too badly, despite my chronic disorganisation when I was younger (HFA).

My mum was a single parent with a tough, long hours job. No financial help from absentee dad. I had hobbies/obsessions, a few good friends and finished with top grades. Not always easy, as my mum has always been a difficult person - but she would have been as difficult if she didn’t work. We just would also have had the misery of choosing between heating and eating rather than where we want to go on holiday. But I certainly didn’t slack/fail/get into trouble because she was out of the house 80 hours a week!
The only reason not to do it is if you don’t need to work and the job holds no attraction for you, or has no potential to develop into something more. It is tough balancing everything. However, you might also want to consider what would happen if your dh left/ had an accident tomorrow. What would happen financially? Also what kind of pension are you building for the future? These are long term risk assessments that need to be weighed up against your short term well being.

bevelino · 22/08/2018 07:18

I have 4 dds including triplets and apart from maternity leave have always worked full time. My girls are late teens now, but when they were younger we had a good childminder, lots of clubs etc and managed very well. We were a fairly well organised household and I was lucky in that my dc’s were happy to help around the house and all 4 remained healthy. They also didn’t give me a hard time during early teens.

OP, returning to work might be hard, but millions of women do it and often have little choice about it. My dds say they see working women as a positive role model, although they understand perfectly why some women stay at home.

megletthesecond · 22/08/2018 07:21

I'd go for part time. It will give you some flexibility and a chance to do a few school pick ups.
I still can't cope with PT after a decade as a LP.

Biologifemini · 22/08/2018 07:22

I think it is better to work full time when the kids are young. Teens need more time with you to avoid them going bonkers/viewing internet porn and self harming sites.

It will be fine.

StealthPolarBear · 22/08/2018 07:35

Henryville
stop focusing on 'women's' rights'

Ha, no

Lallypopstick · 22/08/2018 07:41

Do the people who don't work for a period, or work part time not worry about their pension contributions?

underneaththeash · 22/08/2018 07:46

Could you wait a bit until your DD is in year 1? Reception is generally absolutely knackering for them, especially if they've not been used to full days at nursery.

How good is your partner at helping with everything? Full-time work with a partner who shares housework/admin/childcare is very different to working without that support.

Henryville · 22/08/2018 21:56

I'm not saying that women's rights aren't important. Im saying that that shouldn't be a basis on whether to work full time with a young family. They are only young for a short time-enjoy it while you can and find a balance that works for you and your family.

Underparmummy · 28/08/2018 09:37

But maybe the balance that works is ft work henryville?! This thread is blinking bonkers...and very blinkered.

I HATE that tues-thurs part time working is seen as some kind of golden egg for women post kids. Absolute bs and totally distracting from the real 'fight' for keeping women in the work force post children.

NataliaOsipova · 28/08/2018 09:49

This thread is blinking bonkers...and very blinkered.

Why blinkered? The OP had asked for opinions and has received a range of them. Some people agree with you. Others don't.

Underparmummy · 28/08/2018 13:32

Because people are assuming that ft work = harrassed upset mothers and neglected children that are failing at school.

I feel that some women want to keep this image in place personally. This thread has only served to reinforce that.

I mean FFS, surely the balanced view even from people who had an experience of the stereotype would be that OP should at least give it a whirl and find out what it was like for her? I have found some of these posts quite propaganda like.

DemocracyDiesInDarkness · 28/08/2018 14:22

But in the OP people were asked to share their own experiences...

hettie · 28/08/2018 14:29

To be more positive, I full time. I have flexible hours so the kids are only in after school care twice a week. I week two long days, three short and an evening. All household (practical and mental) tasks are split with dh. Kids are good, I'm good, dh is good. It works...

shelikesemwithamoustache · 28/08/2018 14:33

Both my partner and I work full time - it's fine. My youngest starts school in a week or so and will be going straight to after school club from her first day. I really don't see what the issue is with people saying "it's so hard, try part time" etc. It is not impossible to be organised! Children adapt and I think it does them good to realise that not everyone has the luxury of being able to pick them up at 3 every day and that most people have to work for a living. The only thing I think they miss out on is play dates and clubs that happen after school (not in school but elsewhere). We clearly can't do after school friends coming around as we are not at home.

GreenPimpernel · 28/08/2018 14:34

Women (and children) are tougher and more resilient than this. Please stop with these 'I'll need smelling salts and my children won't cope' threads about working.

Agreed.

April241 · 28/08/2018 14:38

I went back to work after maternity leave into a full time job over three days with one week of four, I lasted about 9 months then asked to drop my fourth day as it was just to difficult. I’m technically part time although I still do three long days (12.5hrs) so still a lot. My partner works full time Mon- Fri and we do struggle with things like keeping on top of the housework and making time for each other. I do a lot of weekends which is putting a bit of strain on us, it’s great as it means less childcare needing arranged but also means we don’t even get out as a family so that’s hard.

If you can do part time I would, it’s easier to add on hours than it is to drop them usually.

NoLeslie · 28/08/2018 14:45

I've worked full time all my children's lives. They are teen/almost teen now, and doing well. DH went part time last year and it didn't make much difference to them, great for me as he does more than 50% of chores etc though. If I had my time again I would still do full time, only change is that I was offered a new job when DC was tiny and in hindsight I should have taken it as am now in a comfortable rut at work.

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