Incident with dd has been weighing on my mind

[Dancergirl]

I am feeling very guilty.

I have 3 dds, youngest is 11 and has just been diagnosed with high functioning autism. It is early days and we are in the process of working out how to deal with this and the best places to go for support. I've been a bit anxious about it understandably although the diagnosis is a relief in some ways as it explains a lot of dd's behaviours over the years.

For background - my own mother was a single parent, couldn't cope with me, shouted and ranted at me a lot. There were a couple of times when I was a child that she was so angry with me, she left me in a public place and drove off She came back again after 20 minutes or so.

I always said I resolved to be a better parent than her and so far I think I am doing ok. I have great relationships with my older (teen) dds and usually also with dd3 even though her behaviour is challenging at times.

Anyway - about 2 weeks ago, I took dd3 to do the bus route to her new secondary school. We got the bus to school, then I took her for a Five Guys burger (her choice) before doing the return route from school to home. On the way back to the bus stop, she started to nag me for various stuff - she wants new trainers, she 'needs' flip flops (not just any flip flops, the Haviana ones), can she have this, can she have that. My responses were a mixture of I'll think about it and saying no to the expensive stuff. But it wasn't enough for her and she kept ON AND ON. Eventually I just lost it and I stormed off ahead of her I shouted at her and told her to find her own way home, which was a stupid thing to say because at that point she had no idea where the bus stop was. She started apologising but I found it really hard to calm down. At one point, I went round the corner and she lost sight of me. After 10 minutes or so, I calmed down, I apologised and we went off to the bus stop together.

I KNOW I completely over-reacted and 2 weeks on I still feel bad. What upsets me the most is that when she lost sight of me she must have been scared and that breaks my heart and terrifies me that I acted like my mother

I thought I was a patient parent but the autism has knocked that on its head. Parents of autistic children - I admire you - where do you get the patience?? Dd can't make the simplest decision without a trial, she has sensory issues, can't bear people eating and so on. I am trying so hard to understand how hard it is for her but selfishly, I'm also aware how bloody difficult it is for the rest of the family.

I think the main thing to remember is that you apologised! That is good.

As a parent of high functioning autistic teen I have definitely lost it sometimes and chosen the wrong way to react, but I always apologise and explain that I've was wrong to text like that.

The guilt is ridiculous though isn't it? I use it as a reminder to try harder next time, find coping strategies and do my best.

Don't beat yourself up you have a lot to deal with .I'm a single parent too with no help off anyone I understand how you feel.we all shout and say things in the heat of it but we say sorry and show our love.i promise you're not the only one who feels this way .you sound a amazing mum who's doing everything right ,the holidays don't help either .be kind to your self xxx

Op, stop blaming yourself. Autism is genetic. female autism runs in female line, so if your daughter has it, it is perfectly likely that you, and possibly your mother as well, are on the spectrum to differing levels.
That means issues copIng with conflict, communication and so on. Put two people with similar issues together and things can go wrong.
Put the whole thing behind you, sit your daughter down and talk through what happened. Apologise and explain why you reacted the way you did.

Go and ask on the SN boards, SNChat or SNChildren are the busiest and have plenty parents who have been there and done that

MNHQ will move this post for you if you report it and ask.

Those boards are deader then the dodo.

Sorry, that came out a bit bossy but I’ve been there, me, my mum, my aunt, my grandmother and now my niece.
It can be difficult and blaming yourself really doesn’t help anyone.

I would try and stop feeling bad (I know that’s easier said than done!)
It’s done now and it’s over.
None of us are perfect and we all lose our patience sometimes. I am sure I would have in your situation. Maybe just think of a way to deal with it if something similar happens again?

Oh lovely, you have been a parent for a long time including to a child with autism for 11 years and this is the first time you've lost it like this? We all make mistakes, you've apologised, don't sweat it. Storming off really is not the worst thing you could have done, it's a type of coping mechanism. And she's 11, it's not the same as doing it to a small child.

No advice as my ASD DD is only 3!

I lose it multiple times a week. She cannot understand most of what I say to her and when she's having a meltdown, she cannot understand ANY of what I say as she 'switches off' her ears!

I don't know where I get the patience from. Sometimes there is none!

Also lone parent btw

I have two with ASD also higher functioning. I could write a list of things I've done when I've lost it that sound horrifying. You are human. You recognise that it wasn't an ideal reaction. Stop beating yourself up.

ASC DD who is three here. You're doing well OP.
Appreciate it's different due to maturity but yes, the constant going on and on and on is very draining. I tell her we are going to the park and she literally jabbers on repeating 'going park' 'when going to the park' 'wheres the park' for hours. I try to keep myself from yelling by remembering when she couldn't talk and how desperate I was for her to talk.

Next time, OP. Set boundaries before you go as to what she can have and can do. That might not work at 11 or with others but works for us. We use visuals and constant reminders.

I'm also waiting for a dx at 30 odd. My mum sounds like yours too. She used to lose it numerous times a day. You are better than that. You apologised. Xx

Actually, what you have described is absolutely normal teenage girl behaviour! Don't be drawn into ascribing any challenging aspect of her behaviour to Autism. Some of it will be, but much of it won't.
I'd have done the same thing in your situation. Don't beat yourself up over it. Your DD was being annoying, entitled and just plain greedy. Believe me, I've been there with my two DDs. When I recall some of their behaviours to them now they are older, they are mortified!

OP, this is a really hard time. Be kind to yourself. You're still learning how to manage this, and to help your child.

The SN boards on here can be amazing - lots of parents with ASD children. Pop over and chat to people.

Have you asked for help with ASD parenting courses? They can really help. It took me a couple of years to get my head around ASD in general, and learning ASD in my own child is a lifelong event because it's just part of who he is, and no relationship or personality is static.

My mum was like yours, and I am like you in wanting to be different, but we're all humans. And dysregulated ASD kids are hard, and teenagers are hard. You're not a machine. Sometimes you'll lose patience, and that's okay. It's a marathon, being a parent, not a sprint.

dd is 35 just been over today - trying to get her to understand about sharing money etc is frustrating - we all have limits - you are human! You love her to bits but trying to get through when they are stuck in their groove is like swimming in toffee - I mimicked banging my head on wall today because of frustration - sometimes humour like that helps ie laughing at your own frustration about their frustration! It made her laugh which was the point! But it wont be the only time you will want to walk away - but next time you wont do it or you will change the way you react! hug to you - stop feeling guilty - she is OK & so are you - as for that autism in the female line - yes there is a hereditary aspect but its not that clear cut as to gender link.

I agree with the poster that pointed out that autism has a genetic element and you may have traits yourself.

It sounds like what you experienced was a meltdown, possibly in response to an unfamiliar environment, an upcoming change that is making you anxious and sensory overload.

Your DD expressed her distress by asking for reassurance that she could have lots of things that she feels she needs to have positive emotions. You expressed yours by not coping with that and losing your temper.

You need to do for yourself what I would suggest any parent did for their child in a similar situation, i.e. work out the triggers for the meltdown so you can predict/manage/avoid them in the future.

I lose it when I wear tight sleeves. I never realised until after DD1 saw an OT who explained sensory processing disorder. Now I can recognise it as a trigger and do something about it. this sometimes involves stopping the car and taking off a fleece or coat so I can be a more tolerant driver.

You have the opportunity to understand your own behaviour better than your mother did and you can also model these strategies for your DD to use as she grows older.

You apologised and acknowledged you lost it. Leaving her was quite scary for her but you said sorry.

I wouldn’t over analyze here. Don’t excuse her either and blame everything on autism this doesn’t help her develop. She was being annoying and selfish to go on and on. This was not on. You were right to tell her very clearly to stop.

However you just need to be firm, quietly and calmly clear and hold your head. That’s all.

Of course, that is quite hard but the best way.

We're not all ideal parents all the time. I've overreacted and been like my mum a few times, but the important thing is that you've recognised what you were doing, been able to get a handle on yourself and reel yourself in. You apologised and you sorted it out. You're human too - and you're a person too! You're allowed to make mistakes and f*ck up sometimes.

One of my children is on the spectrum too and the singleminded, relentless nagging when they set their mind on something can feel like being tortured.

Thank you, you are all so kind.

My mum was a single parent but I am not - I am lucky to have a supportive dh. When he loses it, I stay calm and vice versa!

I have done many things wrong as a parent but somehow this got to me. I hate to think of my dd being alone and scared, even if just for a very short while.

I have definitely considered if I am on the spectrum too, it wouldn't surprise me.

I will look into ASD parenting courses, definitely need some support there. How do you know if a behaviour is down to the autism or just poor behaviour?

Hi, on the flip side, I’m a parent with Autism. I have a DD who pushes me to my limits sometimes! I do think it’s worth looking into a parenting course that specialises in Autism.

The question of ‘Is it bad behaviour or the Autism?’ is a really difficult one to answer. Ultimately, I think of it as..’Is this beyond my control?’. If I have a meltdown, it’s because I’m overwhelmed. I can’t help it. I either cry or get angry. I have to remove myself from a situation to calm down. Annoying or stroppy behaviour is a choice. Things that help include: ear defenders, comfortable clothing, plans being made in advance, knowing what to expect in advance (such a doing a new route within a week of having to go somewhere new). Modern phones are helpful! I also highly recommend the book ‘The explosive child’ by Ross Greene which focuses beyond diagnosis to the behaviour and motivations behind them (regardless of diagnosis). DD is only 5 so it’s not clear if she’s got ASD yet too - although she is uncannily like me at the same age - but regardless, this book has strategies that have helped us meet her needs and seen improvements in her behaviour as a result of our change in approach to parenting.

I think that you can twist yourself in knots thinking is this autism, is this teenagehood/selfishness? I think it is often enmeshed together.

I think that an autism parenting course is useful.

I also think that thinking about common but specific incidents helps. Not in a general oh it’s autism so we don’t challenge it way, but a matter of fact, logical look.

E.g. in this case

Incident: DD went on and on asking for stuff, she did not stop. Being annoying and selfish.
Is this behaviour okay? No, it’s very wearing and there is not enough money for everything.

What was trigger?: Starting school. Doing a new bus route.
Therefore Possible factors: anxiety over school, wanting everything to be perfect, anxiety doing a new bus route, tiredness.

Response: Asking her to stop, or saying you’d think about it. Then losing it and leaving her alone.
Did it work? No. Possibly may have set up greater anxiety about School route and School.

So! What is a better response?
After the incident.

1. Is there anxiety over school? Talk to her, listen to her fears.
2. Is there anxiety over school route? Make a visual or written list, look at a map, ask if she needs more time to do the route with you.

During the incident

1. Be clear with her that you will listen, but later at a specific time.
2. Say there is a limit financially, state this limit.
3. Keep calm and repeat that you cannot discuss this now but at x time.
4. Say to her she can write a list on her phone if it helps there and then to be discussed at x time.
5. If she persists then either be very, very patient and repeat ‘later’ or if you cannot tolerate say that you may have to move seats.
6. If she has a meltdown just manage this by keeping her and you safe. But discusssion still takes place at x time.

1. When home and you’ve kept calm. Go into the kitchen, silently scream then pour a G&T.

Is there a sure start centre near you?they're very good with supporting parents and their children however old .keep doing what you're doing and get yourself a treat when you can .if you've family nearby you and hubby have a date night it'll do you world of good .you're a wife and a mummy but you're still you too .xxxxx

I have 2 children with autism, they both can be so incredibly infuriating, to the point where I have to walk away or I will say something I will regret. I am patient with them, but I'm human and my patience has limits just like everyone else's.

I actually don't think this is the worse thing; when a baby is screaming and you can no longer cope they often say you should put them down and get some space rather than lose your temper with them. I think the same applies to children of all ages - whether it's screaming or pestering or whinging or whatever, and your tolerance levels are exceeded.

At home you can just leave the room, but it's harder when you're out with them on your own. I actually don't blame you for walking ahead a bit to get some space. She is 11 and capable of running to catch you up, and maybe even apologise.

I'm an autistic parent to an autistic child. I understate how he feels, but my issues mean it takes me a while to recognise his issues. It's a constant battle of processing delays and mix ups/misunderstandings.

It's really fucking hard.