Incident with dd has been weighing on my mind

[Dancergirl]

I am feeling very guilty.

I have 3 dds, youngest is 11 and has just been diagnosed with high functioning autism. It is early days and we are in the process of working out how to deal with this and the best places to go for support. I've been a bit anxious about it understandably although the diagnosis is a relief in some ways as it explains a lot of dd's behaviours over the years.

For background - my own mother was a single parent, couldn't cope with me, shouted and ranted at me a lot. There were a couple of times when I was a child that she was so angry with me, she left me in a public place and drove off She came back again after 20 minutes or so.

I always said I resolved to be a better parent than her and so far I think I am doing ok. I have great relationships with my older (teen) dds and usually also with dd3 even though her behaviour is challenging at times.

Anyway - about 2 weeks ago, I took dd3 to do the bus route to her new secondary school. We got the bus to school, then I took her for a Five Guys burger (her choice) before doing the return route from school to home. On the way back to the bus stop, she started to nag me for various stuff - she wants new trainers, she 'needs' flip flops (not just any flip flops, the Haviana ones), can she have this, can she have that. My responses were a mixture of I'll think about it and saying no to the expensive stuff. But it wasn't enough for her and she kept ON AND ON. Eventually I just lost it and I stormed off ahead of her I shouted at her and told her to find her own way home, which was a stupid thing to say because at that point she had no idea where the bus stop was. She started apologising but I found it really hard to calm down. At one point, I went round the corner and she lost sight of me. After 10 minutes or so, I calmed down, I apologised and we went off to the bus stop together.

I KNOW I completely over-reacted and 2 weeks on I still feel bad. What upsets me the most is that when she lost sight of me she must have been scared and that breaks my heart and terrifies me that I acted like my mother

I thought I was a patient parent but the autism has knocked that on its head. Parents of autistic children - I admire you - where do you get the patience?? Dd can't make the simplest decision without a trial, she has sensory issues, can't bear people eating and so on. I am trying so hard to understand how hard it is for her but selfishly, I'm also aware how bloody difficult it is for the rest of the family.

@FaithEverPresent

Thank you

Me and ds1 are autistic. We sometimes meltdown at the same time. Not good. It's really tough parenting an autistic teenager. They have the stubbornness of knowing they're right because they're autistic and the hormones that are like a bomb waiting to explode.

Jeez don't worry. You're doing fine! We all have our limits and you reached yours. Kids can drive us to do things we'd never imagined we'd do. You can get through this. x

You've had some excellent advice on here so won't repeat what everyone else says but just wanted to say not to beat yourself up. You acknowledge that is was a tad harsh, you've apologised and just move on. Parenting, ASD or not, is hard and we all get it wrong sometimes

Have you read The Out of Sync Child? It's more to do with the sensory side of things but it's helped me understand more about how my daughter is feeling. I think pateince comes from understanding

I’m autistic and my 3 are autistic too.

Honestly? Trial and error, working out which behaviours are kiddy strops and which are meltdowns and how to deal with them.

Coping strategies for both (all?) of you which work are helpful too, there isn’t a catch all but if you research coping strategies and try them to see which fit your family needs best.

It’s ok to need 5 minutes as a parent to just take a breather, it’s not awful to show that you’re struggling sometimes, especially if, as you did, you apologise and genuinely mean it.

Parenting is tough going, it sounds like you’ve had the diagnosis but not much support or help to navigate it. That’s really unfair and you all need and deserve the information to help you all to get through things which are difficult.

Just as an aside, the constant nagging about stuff that day could have been that she’d noticed all these things on the “cool” kids at school and it was her way of trying to fit in?

I distinctly remember feeling like everyone else had a key to secrets, and not understanding why they all knew what was cool, or fashionable, or how to fit in. It was really confusing and disorientating, and I never fitted in anywhere until I was nearly 30. I didn’t have a diagnosis, or coping strategies.

Neither did my lot at first, it’s been a long slog to get the dx and to find their best strategies to help them navigate the world. Some days I get it right, some days I get it spectacularly wrong.

But I do it all with love, and sometimes I flip it, but they know they are loved. They know that Mum is human and has crap days like everyone else.

Be kind to yourself OP

thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk

The girl with the curly hair is a social enterprise project aimed at females on the autistic spectrum. There's lots of help and resources for parents, schools and professionals.

I’m a parent to 4 dds, two of whom have ASD. I’m not always a great parent. One of my dds is particularly challenging, with a PDA profile. Lots of my challenges stem from having to parent my dds so differently, the NT, ASD/PDA and my littlest ASD dd. I typically feel like I fail everyone! While I know I don’t have ASD, I think I have a number of traits, and ASD really does tend to impact girls in both sides of our family, not boys (5 girls v 1 boy).

Thank you all SO much

talkshite we had a private assessment done. We are meeting with the psychologist next week (with dd) so she can explain the findings in more detail and point us in the right direction to support services.

I've bought a couple of books (including the Out of Sync Child) which I've looked through and need to read in detail now. We bought this book recently:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0997504528/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o09_s00?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8

Unfortunately even though we bought a paper copy, it went automatically to dd's kindle. She came to me asking what it was, I didn't know what to say so I said it must be a mistake. She doesn't know yet about the diagnosis.

I have a 5 year old DS with autism, he is so bloody aggravating sometimes! Goes on and on and on about what he wants and won't let it go and if I don't give in he ramps it up and starts squealing. I am naturally not a patient person and am probably autistic myself and can't stand all the noise and constant harassment from him. I've just learned to do my best and I am only human, what you did sounds mild don't beat yourself up.

Dancergirl ah ok, hopefully the psychologist will be able to offer you some ideas. It’s a real shame that the private ones didn’t though, it’s bloody confusing to get a diagnosis but no actual help!

DS1 was diagnosed 9 years ago, and DD and DS2 (and me actually) were only formally diagnosed this year, but thanks to DS1s primary school, and local support networks I was able to access ideas and strategies. I hope you find something similar.