Opinions on ds friend. Rude or normal 12 year old?

[losenotloose]

I can't quite decide. I know it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but I'd like to know if I'm being too harsh.

So, as an example I had my hair cut very short recently. Ds and friend came home and understandably were surprised. Friends reaction was yeah, it looks weird. I obviously wasn't offended by a 12 year old but was surprised at him saying it to an adult. I'd like to think ds wouldn't say that. Also, when I've had to pull ds up on rudeness, friend will chip in with yeah, you're being rude, but in a sarcastic way.

Is this normal 12 year old behaviour? I don't have much experience so maybe I'm being uptight.

He* not It

12 is years too old for it to be remotely acceptable. And tbh even in toddlers you don't just leave them to crack on with making personal remarks or being rude without explaining why we don't. It isn't ok just because it didn't include bad language.

I think some 12 year olds just say it as it is. They don't tend to come over rude, just honest and open. It is better than saying it looks great and lying.

That is rude behaviour from a 12 year old, he is old enough to know that sort of comment is unnecessary and potentially hurtful. I’m surprised at the posters saying this is acceptable behaviour - I certainly would not walk into my friend’s house and announce her haircut was weird 😂 it’s a very different situation if you are asked by someone close to you for your honest opinion on their new haircut - but this is an exchange between a 12 year old and his friends parent. I would point out that what he’s saying is rude, but not in a non-confrontational way. So for example when he made the comment about the haircut, I would say something along the lines of “oh that’s not kind - I like it” in a very matter of fact way.Then just change the subject and remain pleasant, modelling good social skills for your son.

I dont know what the point to these sort of questions is really. Of course its nicer if people say you look nice even if you dont. Most adults have got the hang of this and see the benefit to this little social dance.
A lot of kids learn it young too, but a 12 year old is not going to be as consistently great at it as an adult because theyre kids and still learning. You cant help feeling hurt and thats ok, but it is just a kid. Not even a teenager. Im still teaching my kids all sorts of social niceties. Some of them dont even make sense much imo. If i got a new haircut, the last people id ask for opinions are my kids mates. Awkward.

socraties clearly he did come across as rude.

It is better than saying it looks great and lying.

Lying isn’t the alternative to being rude.

He could have stayed silent.
He could have said “that’s a big change” or “are you pleased with it” or “I bet that feels cooler” or “that will be easier to take care of” or any one of the polite, neutral things people say to one another to grease the wheels of social interaction.

He’s 12yo not 2. He should be capable of keeping his thoughts to himself rather than being rude to his host.

My ds is ten and can be pretty rude and cheeky to me but is always polite to his friend's mums. In fact, before he goes to anyone's house, I tell him remember to be polite to their parents!

Wow. I'll say it again. I wasn't hurt. And I didn't ask his opinion. And the haircut comment was meant as an example.

He thought it looked weird and said so. Surely he's allowed an opinion?
Of course he is allowed an opinion but it is not his, or anyone elses, place to give voice to it.

@NonaGrey

But maybe he has not developed those skills yet. My son who is also 12 commented on me going round the house in boxer shorts he did not mean it in a malicious or nasty way it is just the way he is and sees things. He has got SN though.

socraties SN is quite different. I’d judge on a different scale.

A NT 12 yo should have acquired and embedded this skill long ago. Tbh he’ll find school and social life rather difficult if he hasn’t.

Rude. I agree that I wouldn't expect my 7 year old to say that tbh.
And mimicking you in a sarcastic way is way out of order and shows he knows very well he is being cheeky. I'd pull him up on it there and then but then I am probably a bit of an dragon.

Rude and disrespectful. Especially since you never asked his opinion. I cannot abide people who give unsolicited opinions. Rude and self important, in an adult or child. As a pp said I would be horrified if I heard my 6 year old speak to an adult like this, never mind a 12 year old. I know people who pride themselves on "telling it like it is" whether or not anyone even asked. They are unpleasant and I try to avoid them, I suspect I'm not the only one.

I think this is rude

Sn is of course different.

Otherwise there is no excuse for a child of 12 to be voicing rude 'opinions'.

I bet if op had posted that a 12yr old girl had offered the 'opinion' she looked fat, nobody would be pretending the poor dc was too young to understand it was incredibly rude to do so.

He sounds rude and disrespectful and you have to blame that on the parenting I’m afraid, he clearly hasn’t been taught how to behave towards adults. I’ve met kids like this and discovered the best thing to do is call them out on it, just make it clear he might get away with it at home but not in your house.

Yes it's rude. I'd be disappointed if my 8 year old said something like that to another adult but if my 11 or 13 year old did I'd be furious as they are old enough to know that you absolutely do not make personal comments on people's looks. I can't believe anyone would try and justify it to be honest. Why would anyone want or need to know that somebody else felt they looked 'wierd'? We all have different opinions on what looks good or what looks strange. Unless you are asked directly then you keep your trap shut.

These are usually the boys that tell other kids they have spots or are fat. They can see how this makes people feel but hey ho they are honest

I would just take that to mean it's weird seeing you with short hair!

Its rude but it is also unkind. A 12 year old is way old enough to know that you don't say things like that about someone's appearance and that if you do you may hurt their feelings.
(on the plus side OP - if a 12 year old thinks your hair is weird, it is almost certainly fabulous and chic )

meadowmeow Me too ! The comments on this post are hysterical.

It is better than saying it looks great and lying.

No, It isn't. It's disrespectful, and it can only be because his parents never pulled him up for making personal comments when he was younger. At 2 you say what you see. At 12, you should have been taught some boundaries. It's not normal behaviour. My dc are really touching in the way that they always say I look lovely, even when I know I look a complete wreck! I can't imagine them ever insulting the parent of a friend, nor have I ever been insulted by one of their friends, though I'm sure there have been many occasions where an insulting comment would neverthless have been accurate!

My sons friend told me i looked like a farmer when i was wearing dungarees once. Rude? Probably a bit, but i think he thought he was being funny. I replied " thats a bit of an unkind thing to say" and hewas mortified. Hes only 11/12 though, so I brushed it off. Ive also had a friends daughter tell me why is your tooth grey

If you hold children to adult standards then what is childhood? Theyre not just smaller grownups. They do and say stupid shit all tne time

It's not something out of the ordinary but it does make me wonder about their parents and whether my dc would pick up on it so I tend to try to discourage the friendships by talking to my dc about it.