DH no longer fancies me due to 50 pound weight gain

[ProgressPenguin]

I’ve recently come off antidepressants for PND after 6 years. During that time I’ve gained 50 pounds. It sounds weird but it’s only now that I’m off the ADs that I realise just how bad I look.
A frank discussion with DH has revealed that he really doesn’t fancy me anymore. Can’t say i blame him, I look absolutely dreadful. It’s like I’ve woken up from a dream, I literally didn’t realise before. I thought I looked ok . Even though we’ve not had sex for a year.
I’m obviously going to sort myself out, but I’m worried it’s too late. DH has basically sort of mentally checked out of the relationship I realise. What can I do? Does anyone have any advice of how I can turn things around? Has anyone ever lost so much weight and saved their marriage?

I’ve actually started couch to 5k with a friend. In my previous pre-DC, pre-depression life I was a keen runner, did loads of 10ks. I used to be really lean and toned, could run for miles. It’s such a shock that I’m 40% body fat now. I mean, really?!?
My friend is being loads more supportive than DH tbh, it really helps to have a friend who’ll say right let’s go running, I’ll be round at yours

I kind of wish I’d never starts taking ADs on the first place, but I was suicidal and I know if I hadn’t taken them I wouldn’t be here. Just got to accept that and move on and pick up the pieces and get my life back I guess. At least I survived and I am still here.

i think some of the pp on here are being a bit harsh on dh tbh. ltb -really ?? he has told you he loves and cares about you that is a good start. he has seemingly been worried about talking about your weight gain as it would upset you, which is understandable, but sometimes these things need to be said, being over weight isn't good for anyone and he has probably been concerned about your health too.
some anti depressants make people gain weight but that is possibly because when you are depressed you are more likely to be less active and ingest the same calories as normal or comfort eat. the state of a depressed mind does not notice the steady weight gain and therefore you don't always see what is happening.
take care of yourself and lose the weight for your own health, i think your dh will be supportive if he sees you are trying to be proactive.
you can do this, a month or two down the lineyou will start to feel better and that will motivate you.
i had to lose 5 st to get to ideal weight and did the 12 week nhs couch to 5km, kept going with it and now i feel brilliant. it has given a whole now lease of life. i would advise anyone to check it out.

it's great you have a running buddy for motivation !

Are you in the UK OP? If so you might be able to get a referral to SW or WW from your GP.

Both plans are comparable with low carbing. I’ve lost weight going to SW and a good friend has had the same success with WW.

Cheesy phrase but, be kind to yourself. It sounds as though you’ve been through a lot over the past few years. Today is a new start though and it sounds (I think) as though DH is supportive.

Do you think it's the PND as much as the weight that's gradually put him off ? Once he sees you being happy and positive that's instantly makes you more attractive.
I love 30 Day Shred. Only takes 20 mins so even if you are the worse procrastinator ( like me) there isn't an excuse not to do it everyday.
Blood Sugar diet is brilliant. No sugar ( carbs) and only 800 Cals a day. Weight falls off in two weeks and it's the only thing that's changed my apple shape. I like the way it's for combating diabetes rather than looking good. Much easier to stick with if you think of it like that.

Slimming World appears to work miracles for people.though.

I’m sorry you’re in this position. It’s great that you feel able and want to do something about it. You can certainly low-carb on SW and it’s dead easy to follow. You don’t have to go to the same group every week so there is some flexibility.

As for ‘checking out’ of the relationship, i think it’s understandable. I have lived with someone with depression, and had it myself, so I know firsthand that it is easy to ‘check out’ in order to protect yourself. Living with someone who is depressed is exhausting and lonely experience. It’s also very scary when the person you love is suicidal. Try not to blame him or take it personally, just concentrate on building yourself back up. You may well find that as you rediscover the joys of living, he relaxes and rediscovers the joys of loving.

paintinmyhair it's definitely the mechanism of the ADs.
I wasn't depressed when I took them, I had anxiety, and I at high end of a normal BMI (I am prone to weight gain).
I wasn't not noticing the weight gain because I was in a depressed mind state, I wasn't noticing it because I felt great and nothing was a problem. I was completely cushioned by the ADs (and then became cushioned in fat unfortunately). They also made me STARVING all the time, I could eat a huge meal and my stomach would be growling half an hour later. They did something funky to my metabolism too, which meant I put on weight far more readily than I would have believed humanly possible.
But it all normalised when I came off them.

I put on 3.5 stone on antipsychotics (in the space of about four months so you can imagine the stretch marks). I dropped a stone when I came off them, and another stone and a half on weightwatchers and I can to lose the last stone although I’m a lot more active now so it’s coming off slowly.

DH never stopped fancying me though (or at least he never said) but I didn’t recognise myself and it was a tough time for me.

Lose the weight for yourself, not for him. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s a nice easy excuse for him to ‘check out’.

Go easy on yourself.

i don't fully go with the idea dh has checked out of the relationship because of your weight either. as moving rightly said living with a depressive is very hard, someone you love that can't always communicate with you as they are wrapped up in their own mind - it's not selfish it can't be helped, i have rapid cycling bipolar and before i was medicated i was apparently very difficult to live with as i'd shut my self away mentally and had no interest in absolutely anything. had i been a bit more aware of my zombie state i would have probably killed myself. my dh lives with depression and sometimes requires 7/8 months of medication.but he won't take it until he has to. those times are a strain on our marriage but we both understand how the other feels. it's never easy though.someone who has never had depression wouldn't necessarily be able to cope. its' very lonely. i feel for both of you.

Same position here. I’m doing ‘my fitness pal’ calorie counting. I’ve had a gastric bypass so I only NEED small meals to be full
So calorie counting is easier for me.
I was grazing constantly. Family sized bags of chip sticks thru the day at work. Cheese cheese and more cheese
Now I’m 2 ryvita and low fat anchor with half an avocado for brekkie and a cup of salad with some chicken and mayo at lunch. Easier for me as my meals can only be side plate sized anyway
Spaghetti bolognaise I’m just having meat and mushrooms with some sauce etc no
Pasta
I lost 7 stone and have gained back about 2 1/2 but now 10lb off again

I find these conversations are when we only want honesty that is bearable to hear. There have been times in my relationship with DP that I haven’t fancied him for various reasons. But I never stopped loving and wanting to be intimate. Fancying someone who does not like themselves is hard especially if they have been confident in the past.

Yes, I really don’t like myself at the moment. I’m so different to the person I used to be.

I’ve gained a shitload of weight as well.

My second child was prem and in hospital for a while and I can pinpoint it to there. Obviously, I had baby weight but I was rushing between home and the hospital for my other child and eating mars bars and lucozade and having hospital sandwiches then a takeaway

Sex life is still good but it’s had an effect on me wanting to go out and about and do stuff.

It is now just about losing weight but gaining the confidence to own the weight you are whilst trying to lose. There are many people who can gain 50lb plus and still look sexy and confident. Your mental health is so important right now, do not let’s the scales get in the way.

as DH doesn’t spend much time at home due to work, I think I may struggle with getting to meetings

So tell him that if he would like things to be different, he needs to do things differently himself to support that, and one of them is to be more available for childcare so that you can participate in things that will help to lose weight.

Having a running buddy is awesome - they make you get up and go (and vice versa, believe it or not)!

You can do this op (whatever you decide you want 'this' to be)

You sound very sensible and focused OP. I really think you are going to turn this around - and quite fast. The fact that you've already embraced the idea of running and gym speaks volumes.
At 48 I needed to lose 2 stone. I did it with the MN LCHF bootcamp and I loved the food. I continue to eat low carb high fat now as a default setting. The weight has stayed off. Even if there isn't a bootcamp starting now, you can join the threads at any time and Diet Doctor website is very informative.
Best of luck!

YY to keeping away from any restrictive dieting, it makes you feel deprived, resentful and wanting to binge as a protest. Not sustainable and not a way to make yourself feel good.

Get thee to a gym and start doing weight. Get some personal training sessions to help you with changing your diet/ exercise technique. Even for a few months, it makes such a difference. The support and guidance gives you the head start and motivation you need to continue on this path. You can then mine YouTube, Facebook and Instagram for training programmes, exercises etc when you know how. The first few months are crucial, to see changes, to start feeling more energised/happier, to feel better about yourself.

Don’t do diets, they all fail long-term, 100% of them, people have been proven to be unable to keep off the weight they initially lost. It all piles back on and more. Lots of long term studies to that effect.

Rather put the focus on looking after yourself (not depriving or restricting), giving your body the nutrients it needs, giving yourself good quality sleep (very important for weight loss). Does a cake give you anything good, any vitamins, nutrients, fiber etc. ? No, zero stuff in there to benefit you. Do you want to put some rubbish into your cherished body? No, you are better than that, you deserve better. You CAN have a tray load of cake, but would you want to? No thanks, I am not about to trash my valued body, my feeling good, my self-esteem, my pride. Some stodgy, sugary rubbish is not worth it, put as much of it in front of me as you like. I value what I have got more.

Take a look at the Blood Sugar diet thread on here .. low carb works well .. bun the sugar.. get a Fit Bit .. start walking and build up .. it's unreasonable for posters here to tell you to leave your husband over this !!! Eat healthily and you will feel and look great in no time OP .. good luck .. and keep us posted on your progress xx

I'd advise you to stay away from slimming world and weight watchers .. they are only interested in making money . If you live on crap chemical food like Muller Lites and Special K you will be starving and have blood sugar swings ... eat proper food and give yourself energy x

Oooooops ... I meant "bin" the sugar !! Not "bun" !!!! Irony !

I wish you well OP but could someone explain to me how you just don't notice you're gaining or have gained weight? I'm not talking a few pounds here or there but I would know most definitely if tops and especially jeans weren't fitting me or I was moving with reduced speed/energy. I don't mean to goad but I just can't get my head around how you wouldn't notice. Or is that you are fully in the know but for one or two reasons (psychologically) you don't have the wherewithal to do anything about it?

I also agree with the posters who are advising against WW and SW. It's a lifetime of regular financial payments with a bit of 'unique' eating with a huge emphasis on marketing and buying those foods too. The marketing is a big success, I don't think the diets are though.

I don't like WW or SW for the lack of portion control (SW) and the emphasis on using bad sugar alternatives (for both).

In my opinion, calories aren't equal, if you eat processed calories this show on your body and your overall health. If you eat foods that are fresh and not loaded with additives, your body knows how to deal with them and doesn't pack you down with water, bloating and goodness knows what else, whilst it's trying to decide what to do with that crap.

I don't eat sugar, rarely eat fruit of any sort but berries and have lots of nuts and seeds. Full fat everything, just not much of it. I use MFP and I like having that control. If I want to eat something 'off piste' then I do - just one meal, no leftovers, and straight back to my usual manner of eating then. No fuss, no angst, no drama.

Believe me, I haven't always been like that. I've dieted and dieted and I'm fed up of the re-gains. It's a waste of time - proper food, not too much and focus on other things, that's what I'm striving for.

Everyone's different so find a way that works for you.

vlad it's easy not to notice your weight when depressed because you struggle with getting out of bed in the morning, it's like being down a well with no way out. op was probably just buying the next size of clothing to fit and not taking notice of the weight creeping up. been there, happened to me.