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Bizarre CF story

63 replies

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 17/08/2018 19:31

So, to start off- I'm not a toilet troll, have been around for years (Janet and Roy, penis beaker, Gregg's sausage rolls blah blah blah) but the weirdest thing happened yesterday.

We live in the US, and yesterday one of our neighbours, a guy we know fairly well, knocks on our door. He came in all in a panic, asking for a favour. DH, who is generally too bloody nice for his own good, says what's up, how can we help.

Neighbour then turns to me- and asks for a urine sample! It turns out some random woman on our street has a drug test at work and has asked him to go around trying to get a sample from someone who doesn't smoke weed! For context, drug tests are fairly common in corporate jobs here, have taken them myself. I don't see how she could have got away with bringing in a sample from outside anyway.

At this point I can see DH's face change to a mixture of Confused and Hmm. I said I had just been to the toilet and couldn't go again, to which he said he'd wait! I then told him I wouldn't be comfortable helping someone defraud their employer, to which he said that's fine, went on his way.

Who in their right mind would try and get a random woman to wee in a cup for them?! I understand that she is worried about her job and that he was trying to help her but Shock it was so strange!

OP posts:
TheSassyAssassin · 17/08/2018 20:00

Quite like the odd vodka lime & soda too as it goes. Cheers! 🍸

Couchpotato3 · 17/08/2018 20:00

It would serve her right if he came back with a sample from a random who also happened to be a coke-head.

StealthPolarBear · 17/08/2018 20:01

Has no one mentioned how they were taking the pee?
Was that too obvious?

StealthPolarBear · 17/08/2018 20:02

Ps and you're pregnant :)

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 17/08/2018 20:03

Sassy cheers to that! I used to know a guy who used to shots of wee for money at uni. Where do I find these weirdos?!

He probably is shagging her, he does fancy himself a bit of a middle-aged casanova boak. Feel sorry for his DW tbh, she's sweet and probably has no idea her DH has been going around asking his neighbours for their wee.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 17/08/2018 20:03

Why couldn't the woman who needed it go round asking for itConfused

sittingonacornflake · 17/08/2018 20:04

Ah a smile that raised - thanks OP I needed that tonight.

CocteauTwins · 17/08/2018 20:05

That is literally taking the piss Grin

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 17/08/2018 20:05

Couch he seems to assume we don't do drugs at all because we're English. The assumptions that Americans have made about the UK in the last few years that we've been here are truly bizarre. Someone once asked if we like to laugh, because they thought we were all 'proper' and serious...

stealth no, not too obvious. All piss related puns welcome here!

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 17/08/2018 20:06

Shock Very cheeky fucker. It's definitely suspicious that he hasn't asked his DW if he is just innocently helping a neighbour.

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 17/08/2018 20:07

Oh he had a bunch of excuses for not asking his DW, that she's on medication. He was explaining himself in a bit too much detail, it was weird. And if it's true- I don't want to know what medication she takes! What a breach of trust

OP posts:
beingthere · 17/08/2018 20:09

CocteauTwins 😂

extinctspecies · 17/08/2018 20:15

Withnail: [on the way to the cottage] At some point or another I want to stop and get hold of a child.
Marwood: What do you want a child for?
Withnail: To tutor it in the ways of righteousness, and procure some uncontaminated urine.
[holding up a Fairy Liquid bottle with a strap and a tube]
Withnail: This is a device enabling the drunken driver to operate in absolute safety. You fill this with piss, take this pipe down the trouser and sellotape this valve to the end of the old chap. Then you get horribly drunk and they can't fucking touch you. According to these instructions, you refuse everything but a urine sample. You undo your valve and give them a dose of unadulterated child's piss and they have to give you your keys back. Danny's a genius. I'm going to have a doze.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/08/2018 20:16

Maybe you should start up a business selling wee to the weed smoking neighbours Grin.

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 17/08/2018 20:19

Mummyoflittledragon I'd do a rip-roaring trade round here Grin everyone's at it!

OP posts:
VodkaLimeSoda27 · 17/08/2018 20:20

I think door-to-door sales of my own wee would be a whole new level of cheeky fuckery though

OP posts:
bimbobaggins · 17/08/2018 20:20

Understatement of the year I need to work on being a bit more assertive- telling someone they can’t have your piss!!
How about piss off next time

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 17/08/2018 20:23

Yes, I know bimbobaggins. I think it was partly that I was so shocked at the question being asked I said the first thing that came into my head at the time.

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 17/08/2018 20:27

The only reason you'd need a woman's urine is for a pregnancy test.

youarenotkiddingme · 17/08/2018 20:29

This thread has made my day 😂😂

I just LOVE the fact you declined "because you'd just had a piss"

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 17/08/2018 20:30

Not necessarily, Upstart- I had to take one for a drugs test when I started a previous job. Random drugs testing here is common in large corporations, lots of contracts have a clause written in saying you can't take drugs in your spare time (which I think is ridiculous but that's another story).

OP posts:
DadDadDad · 17/08/2018 20:35

I'm just boggling at how a company thinks that someone who is taking drugs at home can be relied upon to bring in their own urine from home. Surely, if you are taking drugs illegally you're not going to have too many qualms at cheating the urine test, as this individual as demonstrated!

thecatsabsentcojones · 17/08/2018 20:37

Am I the only person who'd have done it? Because basically I hate the idea of a corporate owning someone that way, fuckers.

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 17/08/2018 20:39

Well the tests are usually done at work DadDadDad but I think she was hoping to sneak a sample in. When I had mine done the company had a medical office and I had to go in and use the toilet in there and have my bag checked beforehand

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 17/08/2018 20:39

Surely the sensible option would be to keep a clean frozen sample. Not sure how best to quickly defrost though Blush

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