At my wits end, 6 year old refusing to go to bed

[PirateMermaid]

My DD refuses to go to bed (she is 6 on the 1st September). She keeps getting out of bed, screaming at us, messing around and waking her younger brother up, dragging him out of bed to play, he is falling asleep and she keeps pulling the covers off him and jumping on his bed.

It’s not a one off, it’s every night. She has always been bad at bedtimes but it is breaking us now, she rarely settles before 10pm and me and DH never get an evening to ourselves. We often end up cooking and eating dinner at 10pm.

I just don’t know what to do.

Do they share a room?

If not then take it in turns to sit outside her door and do the rapid return.
So first time she's up say "it's bedtime" and return her. Nothing else. No engaging in conversation or eye contact.
2nd time and other times just return without any words.

If you and dh are both there then tag team and do short shifts each.

You may have to be more creative if the share.

If she is not settling until then anyway I would make her bedtime later, with a view to gradually bringing it forward. Establish a new routine with her, let her decide what she wants to do as wind down time for bed. No carbs or sugar, no screens, just quiet things. You need to strip this situation right back to basics and start again and be consistent, every single day.

Hi op, we've had similar from our 6 yo. She's very wilful at the best of times and even more so at bed time. Things are by no means perfect now but it seemed to turn a corner when we introduced a night and day time behaviour chart with rewards that she chose. She was engaged with filling it in each morning and was surprisingly accepting of recording of the bad marks! Over a couple of weeks things improved. Not a complete change but definitely an improvement.

What sort of bedtime routine would you like to have if possible? And can you gently ask her, at another time of day that's less stressful, what would her own ideal bedtime be? Does she eat sugary things or look at screens near bedtime? Do you stay a few minutes after the light goes out while she settles? It sounds like a kind of attention seeking but the purpose isn't really to annoy you, she probably needs some kind of reassurance. Chat to her about it at a calm time and work out a plan you're both happy with. It will pass

Our routine was Jim jams, wash, teeth etc, then to bed and read them a story.
Let them read for half an hour on their own after then tuck up and lights off with door open for light and so they could hear us down stairs.
It can be daunting for little ones to be left alone upstairs so routine, reassurance and a cuddle can help.

Have you tried meditation? Sounds odd but I’ve been using for a few days with my 6 year old and he has calmed down considerably at bed time. Worth a shot. I downloaded an app called Insight Timer which is free. We listen to them together snuggled up in bed.

Mine have gone through a phase about that age of resisting bedtime and it seemed to be linked to an increase in their imagination, and a fear of going to bed / dreams / dark / awareness of mortality etc.
I don't know if I've treated it the correct way but this worked for us - we've done:

So bedtime routine as normal. They have to at least try to sleep with the reassurance that if they genuinely can't, they may come downstairs.
Coming downstairs they understand that it is now grown up time and not child time. They are to sit silently on the sofa with a book or puzzle or similar quiet thing . I often put a really boring nature or science documentary on TV., I do not engage in ant conversation or negotiation with them, and failure to sit quietly means TV off and everyone goes to bed.
After a few nights the novelty wears off and they only request to come back downstairs if genuinely anxious / upset and will either fall asleep on the sofa or request to go to bed again fairly quickly.
And then the phase passed, and they now take themselves to bed and sometimes go early if tired, or read quietly in bed if not.
It just takes the angst out of bedtime for them in my opinion, and ok we've suffered a few very early bedtimes, but that was no real hardship.

Have you tried discipline? No 6 year old should behave like that more than once.

Time out. Put to bed. Repeat.

I agree on 6 still being little. Treat her as a 3 year old, bath, lavender oil, story etc.

I think that you need to draw the line at waking her brother up. Do they share a room? If so, I would suggest you put him to sleep in your room while you sort DD out - you can move him later when you go to bed

This would be a shouting offence here and my kids would honestly have been too wary to do it more than once or twice.

Bringonspring why treat a 6 yo like a 3yo? And why not discipline a 3 yo? Discipline = love and respect no one likes a naughty child you owe it to a child to teach them guidelines.

This just wouldn't go down well in my house and my children know it. My Dd is 4 and id have no qualms in giving her a very good telling off if she tried this. She knows there'd be a consequence. She often pushes her luck at bed time but would never do this because she knows I don't tolerate bed time shenanigans!

Sorry alltgegoodnameshave gone but your house doesn’t sound loving. I don’t need to shout at my children and to be honest I don’t really need to discipline them. Your raising human beings who need boundaries but boundaries which are created with love. A 6 year old is a tiny human being. You shouldn’t just send them to bed and expect them to stay there. 6 year olds need a routine just like younger children. They need to a routine which wines them down and that is why continuing with a bath, stories and one on one contact with you is so important.

But you get back to sending your children to bed whilst watching TV and just yell at them if they feel scared or just want to hang out with you.

I used to be bad at going to bed and settling. I must have been about 7. After a good few months of this my Dad snapped, and made me sit up with him. No talking was allowed, he put a boring documentary on the TV and if I looked like I was dozing, he'd wake me up and remind me that I wanted to stay up with the grown ups, and that this was how they spent the evening. I cried to be allowed to go to bed at around 11pm. Never did it again.
I did used to sit up late, reading, but that didn't disturb anyone else.

Have you tried discipline? No 6 year old should behave like that more than once.

exactly this

I'm quite shocked at some of the responses. A child would not choose to behave like this for fun, there is more going on here and it needs dealt with with compassion not discipline.

If the kids share I agree with a previous poster to get your son out to sleep in your bed. We used to do this when my eldest was being a pest at bedtime, one was in their own bed and one went in our bed and was transferred later. That takes the pressure off.

Have you talked to her about why she does it, what is the issue? is she not tired enough (try calmer bedtime, later bedtime etc) is she scared (would a night light help and frequent visits from you until she gets used to it) is she bored (maybe an audiobook or being allowed xxx time to quietly play or look at books etc).

It is very tiring when children behave like this and can be hard to find the cause and tackle it. My son is 12 and still terrible at settling in the evening. Over time we have come to accept it and we generally let him potter as long as he is not being disruptive, though aprpeciate this is harder with younger children. He does have ASD which is a contributing factor. I'm laughing at people saying to give them "a good telling off" have you ever tried this with a child who doesn't care about tellings off??

What time are you trying to get her to bed and what is your routine? Has it just being since the summer holidays as that can be a factor

First off I would recommend at 6 starting to have family meals together and a sense of family rather than separating .

Going against everyone here I had this with my then 6 year old it turns out she needs around 9 to 10 hours sleep and no more so she starts now at 9 going upstairs at 8:30 to be in bed for 9 and then reads for 30 mins and then goes to sleep and its up by 7 everyday. In the holidays it tends to be 30 minutes later. We eat together as a family

But her behaviour at bedtime is disruptive and not on

Mollyblack-totally with you on this one. OP asked for help and basically got told to discipline. Wayyyy more to it than that.

“ A child would not choose to behave like this for fun”

My DD(almost 6) would disagree. When she reappears every evening, repeatedly, she actually smirks.

OP. Dd now just gets ordered ‘back to bed’. She’s starting to twig that turning on the tears isn’t changing the outcome, but it’s slow going. She has also learnt that disturbing her sister has unpleasant consequences (she might get the rest of the stuffed toys back eventually...)

A child would not choose to behave like this for fun

Do you know any children?

My 6yo has recently started acting like this at bedtime. She shares a room with her younger brother and will mess about waking him to the point where he is upset.

What we have done is offer privileges for being older - but these are lost the second there is any messing. So while the 3yo goes to bed, has his story and settles she gets to stay up downstairs for quiet time. If dh is home then they use that as their bonding time and play a quiet game or read a story together. If he's not then she can choose to read quietly, play a game or colour/draw/write.

She gets an extra half hour, then when I come downstairs from settling 3yo she has a bedtime story with me and off to bed. She is much more prepared to settle, I think a lot of it is acting out as she wants attention and doesn't wanted to be treated the same as the 3yo, which is fair enough. Any messing about and she has to go to bed at the same time as 3yo the next night :-)

Marklah that's pretty much what I do! . Except I don't wake them up.
I would tell off for waking younger siblings, but the root cause needs to be addressed.

Of course you need tough love. Firm discipline with nice routine. No excuses, no,backtracking. You’re the adults and she’s being a six year old tyrant. You’re entitled to an evening without her attention seeking behaviour.
Gentle routine including wind down time, stories, gentle music playing to sleep - nursery rhymes not pop. Same thing every night. Then once routine is completed an absolute zero tolerance policy of returning immediately to bed without conversation. Star chart for staying in bed. Sanction if not co-operating - verbal reprimand, loss of privilege the following day etc
. Is she getting enough exercise? Are you restricting television and iPad time?