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Original poster

ADVICE NEEDED I REALLY WANT A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

27 replies

Katiej1996 · 15/08/2018 02:58

hi,

so for the past couple months i have been desperet to have a baby i had a miscarriage back in april which was an unplanned pregnancy, and ever since i have really wanted a baby, im 22 in currently in university my partner and i have been together 2 and a half years and i know he doesnt want a child yet and apart of me really wants to wait as well because i want to finish my degree, and travel and stuff but i just cant get it out of my head that i want a baby, my bestest friend is currently 8 months pregnant and im just so jealous seeing her getting ready to have a baby!! and even though i know things wont be easy for her as shes a young mum i cant help just to feel envious of it! i guess i just want some advice and to be talked out of wanting a baby:(

OP posts:

TheCrowFromBelow · 15/08/2018 08:46

A baby is a lifetime commitment to bringing up another individual.
You know you don’t want that yet, and neither does your boyfriend.
Finish your degree, get a bit further in with your life and be there to help your friend it sounds like she will need it.

MysteriousQuinn · 15/08/2018 08:53

I was 24 when I had my first and I definitely wish I'd have waited a few more years. When you have kids your life is no longer your own and your entire situation changes completely. It is impossible to explain to someone who doesn't have kids just how much it changes your life. I love my kids with all my heart and being a mum is amazing but it is THE commitment of all commitments. Finish your degree and enjoy your freedom for a few more years.

BitchQueen90 · 15/08/2018 19:51

I had my DS at your age. I stayed home to be a SAHM. Then when my DS was 10 months old me and his dad split up.

I had to go on benefits. It was too costly for me to go back to work at first. Then I struggled to get a job because I had been out of work for so long. I had no money.

I have a job now but it's low paid because I have hardly any work experience. I do not earn enough money to buy my own home so likely will be renting my whole life. Being a single mum is very hard work.

I do not regret having my DS at all but I would not recommend having children young. Relationships in your early 20s are likely to change. You need to get a good job and on the property ladder if you want to live a comfortable life with children. I do not have financial security and that is a constant worry for me.

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crimsonlake · 15/08/2018 19:54

Did you not post about this a few days ago??

Toxictroubles · 15/08/2018 19:55

What are you doing at uni?

Goosegettingfat · 15/08/2018 20:02

Op babies are lovely but they are all consuming. I met DH at 25, married at 29 and had dc1 at 30. Imo 30 is a perfect age- my career was established and if things hadn't worked out with DH and I, I could comfortably support myself and the dc. But mainly, I'd got all of the living self-centeredly out of my system, I knew who I was and I was totally ready to embrace motherhood- plus my DH was not at all on the fence and all our dc were very wanted by both of us.

Not trying to sound smug- but honestly you'll thank yourself later if you get all your ducks in a row before having children

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 15/08/2018 20:06

Another one who and a baby circa 30 and thinks that’s the perfect age. I had spent 13, 14 years having nights out and living selfishly and had established my professional career and had the time then to dedicate to it (because working with kids is much harder!) I had also met the right person and had an established and committed relationship with him and he wanted a baby too.

mumofone234 · 15/08/2018 20:12

A baby is so, so much work - my honest advice would be to spend some long chunks of time with your friend when her baby is born (if she doesn’t mind!) and then see how you feel when faced with the reality of it. It’s definitely something you and your partner both need to be on board with first.

NotSoThinLizzy · 15/08/2018 20:17

I had my 1st very young just turned 16 (I desperately wanted one) now I'm 25 and have had my 2nd. Babies can be hard work make sure you have the support needed also have some money saved up. Might be best to wait untill you both want a baby as he may not be the father you need him to be.

IKnowItsTIMHONKSTIMHONKS · 15/08/2018 20:22

All due respect, you need to grow up first.

ilovesooty · 15/08/2018 20:28

bestest friend?
Time for a reality check. You're at university and your partner doesn't want a baby. You seem to have some growing up to do.

CantankerousCamel · 15/08/2018 20:31

Do finish uni and maybe do a few months/years travelling before a child.

It’s just good to have those things under your belt before the little people wreck your brain!

It’s totally normal to want a baby after a MC, it makes you start thinking about what you’d do if you had a baby and then the dreams are there and then they’re gone... but it’s so important to live life a bit, I had my son at 27 and it was perfect. I’m now 34 with 3 gorgeous children and I’m so glad I travelled before I had them.

Gigis · 15/08/2018 20:50

It is hard, hard work. I am a few years older than you, have a fantastic support network, have finished my education and still find myself wishing that I'd waited a few more years to have my first.
Think about your average day - how often do you just throw on a jacket and leave your house for a walk or to go to the shop? Get up after 5am? Go to the toilet without having to keep the door open? Have a shower when you want? Make spur of the moment plans about when to see your friends or even what time to have dinner? That will all end the second that baby is born. The positives of having a baby will not necessarily begin to outweigh the negatives for several months. Your partner doesn't want children yet, that is a recipe for single motherhood. Nothing tests a relationship like having a baby and it won't be like in films where you have jokey fights but ultimately overcome the issues together. He will feel like his life is over if he's not ready and tbh it is, at least for a while. You cannot force that on him, it's selfish.
I am so sorry you had a miscarriage, but if even a little bit of you wants yo travel and live your life completely freely then I'd hold off for now.

politicalcorrectnessisgreat · 15/08/2018 21:17

What are you studying? That was difficult to read by the way! Loooong sentences

Please wait for babies

Original poster

Katiej1996 · 16/08/2018 00:19

@ilovesooty how is bestest friend me needing a reality check? She’s my friend since I have been alive? I have grown up a lot thank you, I know I don’t want a child but I can’t get the though out of my head about wanting one after accidently falling pregnant which unfortunelty I misscarried which I struggled hard with

OP posts:

Original poster

Katiej1996 · 16/08/2018 00:21

I definetly know it’s not a walk in the park as my parents had me at 19 and my sister had her daughter at 19 and I saw her struggling I definetly know I want to wait, it’s just that I have struggled seeing my friend preparing for a baby after I lost mine

OP posts:

Original poster

Katiej1996 · 16/08/2018 00:24

I think people are being a bit over dramatic I’m not selfish and I’m not forcing my partner to have kids at all, after I misscarried I made sure I went on proper precaution, I don’t want a child it’s just I can’t seem to stop thinking about the possibility that I could have been a mother, and it’s difficult seeing my friend having a child around the same time I should have been I’m just looking for some advice I don’t see how I’m selfish? Or I need to grow up at all?

OP posts:

MyDcAreMarvel · 16/08/2018 00:26

Is English your first language op ? Am struggling to understand your posts?

AornisHades · 16/08/2018 00:34

If you're asking is it OK to feel jealous and sad because you had a miscarriage and your good friend is about to give birth then yes it's OK.
In your current situation would it be OK to have a baby? Not really.
Ride out the feeling. Your time will come.

Cornishclio · 16/08/2018 00:43

Undoubtedly you are grieving after having a miscarriage but apart from the sheer exhaustion of having a baby you should consider the financial aspect. You have not finished uni so have not yet embarked on a career. Presumably you don't have a home yet to bring up a baby and to be frank you have not lived yet. Having been in full time education you have not yet been out in the real world where you need to deal with bills and work and being financially independent. Bringing a baby into the world before you are ready would be a big mistake.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 16/08/2018 07:36

I'm sorry for your loss OP, and I totally get that it must be so hard watching your friend prepare for her baby when you're not. Even knowing it's not a great time for you yet, and knowing you have plenty of time ahead of you when you'll be much better placed to have a child, of course that hurts and makes you wish you hadn't lost your own baby.

I felt hugely, horribly broody at your age, and that really galvanised me to make the plans/changes I needed to make in order to have the baby I wanted. In the end I was 24 when I had my first (recently had my second at 30 and looking back, 24 seems so young! Perhaps I should have waited longer?) and it was fine. For me personally it wouldn't have been fine at 22 though. There were practical things I needed to sort out first.

Wishing you all the best.

Loopytiles · 16/08/2018 07:39

Completing the degree and doing well, then seeking a well paid job is important. If you had a baby you would v likely be a single parent 24/7 with little help - and possibly no maintenance - from your ex (chances are high he’d become an ex) . It’d be hard to WoH.

Yogagirl123 · 16/08/2018 07:43

Completing your degree is the sensible advice, but I also know how overwhelming the desire for a baby can be. Do what’s right for you.

acatcalledjohn · 16/08/2018 07:45

You're contradicting yourself, OP. Your thread title says you want a baby and in your most recent post you say you don't want a child.

I'm sorry for your loss. You have to remember that your friend's life is not yours, and just wanting something because she has it is not a reason for you to follow suit at the same time. You are still very young and studying. Finish university, get a job and some work experience after graduation, and then try for a baby. If you fall pregnant now you will have no work experience, no maternity pay, and a boyfriend who isn't ready yet.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 16/08/2018 07:51

The feelings are due to your loss and seeing your friend pg will make those feelings stronger.it's a cliche, but time is a great healer and you are very young. Finish your degree, get a steady career, make sure your dp is on board, live your life a bit then try.

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