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Original poster

It's my birthday tomorrow...

82 replies

Coolaschmoola · 14/08/2018 08:58

...and it appears my DH has forgotten.

He just offered to switch his fishing day from Thursday to tomorrow as I'm taking our niece and nephew out for the day on Thursday. He offered twice - no inkling as to why I said no.

I guess that's no card or present from him tomorrow, no restaurant booked. I will get a present from DD who is six, because I picked and ordered it myself.

To add insult to injury - I'm forty tomorrow. So a 'big' birthday. When he turned forty I took him abroad for four days. I am having a party later this month - that I've organised myself.

I'm genuinely gutted. Is it irrational to feel this will damage our marriage?

OP posts:
chocatoo · 14/08/2018 11:09

He has probably moved your birthday to the date of your party in his mind and doesn’t compute that you are expecting some kind of recognition tomorrow as well. If you ask him about it, he will say ‘but we are celebrating on party day’. You need to make it clear that you want something tomorrow as well.

chocatoo · 14/08/2018 11:10

Xpost with poster above!

Gojira · 14/08/2018 11:11

Why should the OP have to keep mentioning and prompting him?

How about he takes some responsibility as a grown man.

Or, doesn't and then at least the OP will know he's a selfish twat and can then make an informed decision.

Original poster
Coolaschmoola · 14/08/2018 11:35

I think that's the crux of it Gojira - I take a lot of the responsibility for day to day life becsuse a previous job he had meant he was away a lot. He's left that job now and recently I've been telling him I need him to take more responsibility for day to day crap as an adult, and this is just a run on from that.

Surely he is capable of taking responsibility for remembering my birthday - we've been married fifteen years!

OP posts:
defectiveinspector · 14/08/2018 11:36

OP what usually happens on your birthday? In our house I will raise DP's birthday with her beforehand, ask her what she wants as a present and what she wants to do. She'll do the same for me. We never forget and never have to remind each other. By the sounds of it you remind him it's your birthday every year, this year he'd have to be a complete idiot to not know. Sounds like he thinks he doesn't need to do anything as you're doing your own thing. You therefore need to decide what to do, is it symptomatic of wider issues in your relationship or is he just shit about events?

SilverHairedCat · 14/08/2018 11:45

I agree you shouldn't have to, but if you're worried he's forgotten, what's the alternative? Are you otherwise going to sulk all day tomorrow? That's the kind of thing I mean by martyring.

You have the means to ensure the day isn't ruined. Either take it and take control of it, or sit back and be back here tomorrow lamenting the ruins of your 40th and what t a dreadful DH you have.

pandoraphile · 14/08/2018 11:52

YANBU OP, I would think and do exactly as you are. This isn't about being a martyr, it's about clarifying the situation 100% and working out where you go from here.

I definitely wouldn't remind him.

Original poster
Coolaschmoola · 14/08/2018 11:54

Normally we have a birthday day out as a family chosen together, and dinner in a restaurant, which the other person books. Cards/presents. Nothing major, just a family day. For his 40th close family went to the restaurant, so we were about 9 in total. That was because he didn't want/have a party, and it was the night before we went away.

My party is the big thing - I just figuredthe actual day would be a day out/restaurant as per usual.

I'm definitely not a sulker, and I have options for tomorrow so I won't be moping around the house. If he's forgotten he'll know about it, but then I'll move on.

OP posts:
MaryPoppinsUmberellaHandle · 14/08/2018 12:01

I do hope he's actually remembered 🤞🏼

We always take time out of the 'normal' routine to make the other one feel special on Birthdays, anniversaries etc. It doesn't have to include a big present and a huge deal but the effort we make goes such a long way.

Frosty6611 · 14/08/2018 12:05

I have to remind my DP about everything from birthdays to anniversary’s to Valentine’s Day etc. He has the worst memory and lives such a stressful, busy life. It used to irritate me a bit but now I just accept that he will always need reminding, and it’s better I do that than keep quiet and he forgets and the day is ruined. He always makes a big effort on the day when he’s been reminded

SummersB · 14/08/2018 14:35

Both my DH and I live busy lifes. I’m sorry, that is no excuse for not remembering your OHs birthday! Surely you at least have it vaguely at the back of your mind when you think about a certain week anyway? Like if somebody asked me if I fancied a night out the end of next month there would be a little bell going at the back of my mind reminding me that End of September = special event? Not with a brand new partner, obviously, but if you have been together for at least a few years?
Forgetting a birthday of more distant relatives is fair enough in my opinion. But your long term partner? I honestly can’t see how that would actually happen.
Sorry OP - I am really low maintenance as a wife, but even I would think that’s shit and I would be really hurt and disappointed.

Original poster
Coolaschmoola · 14/08/2018 18:20

I was right.

He literally has nothing planned. He didn't realise it was tomorrow, and, as I'd told him not to get me a present because money is tight, he took that as 'ignore the whole thing'. He's just told me "It's only a day like any other!" and gone out.

I'm devastated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coolaschmoola · 14/08/2018 18:21

I turn 40 tomorrow and my husband of 15 years hasn't even got me a card, or one from our little girl.

OP posts:
flyingsaucersherbet · 14/08/2018 18:24

Oh honey. I would be hurt too, especially because it’s symptomatic of generally feeling a bit undervalued in your relationship.

I hope you are okay Flowers

whiteroseredrose · 14/08/2018 18:30

I got tyres and brake pads for my birthday yesterday. You are not alone!

Jb291 · 14/08/2018 18:30

He hasn't even bought you a birthday card. Dump the thoughtless bastard OP. Even if money is tight he could have put some thought and some love into a card and at least cooked a nice meal for you tomorrow. Then make sure you ignore his birthday and see how he likes it.

TomHardysNextWife · 14/08/2018 18:34

That's utterly crap. You must feel awful Flowers

MarieeBarone · 14/08/2018 18:51

Oh OP that is horrible. I'm sorry he's done that.

misskatamari · 14/08/2018 18:57

That's really shitty of him, I would be really upset as well. It's not about big expensive gifts, just knowing that someone cares enough to make you feel valued and special on your birthday. Extra shitty that it's a big birthday and he's being so rubbish. I would be really hurt, I'm sorry OP

MrsMozart · 14/08/2018 18:58

Ouch Sad

Hugs lass.

BlueLemon · 14/08/2018 19:02

I’m sorry op that’s awful very thoughtless and he wasn’t even apologetic when he realised you’d be upset too.

hilbil21 · 14/08/2018 19:10

Was he maybe planning on presents etc on day of party?

HollyHocks13 · 14/08/2018 19:16

You poor thing, I would be absolutely gutted. Birthdays are important and a chance to show how much someone means to you, it doesn't have to mean expensive presents- breakfast in bed and a day of feeling special is enough.
40 is a big birthday, you have every right to be angry and upset. ThanksThanks

Carrotmama · 14/08/2018 20:21

Sorry to hear he's been this insensitive. Where has he gone out to this evening? Was it a planned outing or off the back of the conversation re your birthday?

Tomorrow, if he still doesn't come through with anything nice, could you take your DD for a lovely outing that the two of you will enjoy together? That doesn't solve the bigger relationship issues but it will mean you share a day that means a lot doing something to remember fondly with your girl.

Then think about DH later.
Wine

Gojira · 14/08/2018 20:37

What a toaster.

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