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Original poster

Yes, I do want thoughts from internet strangers please.

34 replies

bulletdodger · 14/08/2018 07:09

I have to be quick as just about to commute to work.

Single 8 years.
Old gimmer by MN standards. Been here a long time. Name changed.
Joined online dating paid site thinking well, it's got to be better than the free stuff.
Been chatting to guy, it's a live conversation, seem to get along really well. He very charming and interested in me. i'm beginning to like him but nervous it's been a long time for me.
End of first email conversation - asks me if I would talk on phone and i say nope too soon. He respectuully says no worries but sends his personal number and email anyway.
I notice his profile has him living in two different parts of the County. I check this with him. He says actually I live in xxxxx (a third place) and I just moved there. Ok says I, thinking why does he move around alot then?
He's very open about his name, his job and some other details. It's all going swimmingly.
Then last night asks if we can meet. So I said ok, but let's not make a big deal of it just becasue we appear to get along and he says sure fine no problem. Seems very, amenable but also very keen indeed thinks I'm a wonderful woman Hmm.
So I can't get to sleep because I keep thinking about his name, why do i keep thinking about his name???????

DD is police officer. Doesn't recognise him but in no way did she run any checks.
I google his name. Not particularly unusual name by any means at all.
So only two guys with this name come up. TWO!!!!!
And, you know what's coming next.
Guy of same name, having lived in same fairly small town just outside London with same job very close to the age this guy says he is has conviction 2016 for serious DV on a partner. Suspended sentence came to and end just one month ago. Comes up on local online news site. But there's no photo of him and the woman is unnamed.
place where it happened is not a million miles away from the second area he has himself living in, on his profile if that makes sense.

Can't do Clares' law don't have his birthdate. But guess what, he emailed me this morning to say we should get on as we're both 'fire signs' (I don't believe all that shit though). So I email back 'really? so what is your birthday then? Thinking he might give me something more to go on.

But coincidence? Why couldn't I sleep until I'd checked his name out? Apart from having been here ages, having recently begun frequenting the Feminism boards and having read The Gift of Fear and Why does he do that, something made me check this out.
But, but but, the bit of me that wants it to be a coincidence...

I thought I should maybe just ask him are you the guy?
I have to get to work but I'd value your thoughts MN'ers, I will check in and bump if need be.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
bulletdodger · 14/08/2018 07:10

sorry for the typos!

OP posts:
GloGirl · 14/08/2018 07:13

Well I would trust my instincts that say you should be careful of any man who gives you this much cause for concern before you've even met him. You've probably started to Google him because you felt something was not right, not just that you recognised his name.

DoryNow · 14/08/2018 07:14

Would be a shame to ditch a potential new relationship before it had got going but you are being cautious so why not keep chatting & see if you can find out more- if your spidey sense is tingling don’t ignore it!

CantankerousCamel · 14/08/2018 07:14

Trust your gut

PickAChew · 14/08/2018 07:17

He's already left you feeling a little rushed and uneasy. E ough that you googled him.

You can walk away.

TravellingFleet · 14/08/2018 07:22

Too much of a coincidence. Block him and report him to the dating site as a convicted abuser. They can confirm date of birth.

CormoranStrike · 14/08/2018 07:24

Walk away.

No, run.

Your instincts are calling to you, please listen.

tectonicplates · 14/08/2018 07:28

Sorry OP but this has red flags all over it. Even from the names issue and police stuff and the lack of birthday (which are all dodgy anyway), actually, if you have a gut instinct that something just isn't quite right, but you can't quite put your finger on why, then even this should be enough to back off.

But also this: Seems very, amenable but also very keen indeed thinks I'm a wonderful woman

Being so enthusiastic this early on can actually be a sign of "love bombing" - a technique that abusers use early on to get you hooked, so that you won't run away when he starts getting nasty. It can be very manipulative.

Seriously OP, get out now. This has dodgy written all over it.

BitOfFun · 14/08/2018 07:32

What's the point in continuing this? You're not in love, you haven the lost anything. There are plenty of blokes who aren't probable psychopaths.

ShirleyPhallus · 14/08/2018 07:35

I really hope you haven’t been so open with so much information back, before you’ve even met the guy?

CanIBuffalo · 14/08/2018 07:36

Do as a PP suggested and report him to the site. Send them a link to the info you found online.
Don't meet him. Block him.

Original poster
bulletdodger · 14/08/2018 08:11

Ok on my way to work I'm thinking love bombing next if we met up. So you already mentioned that.
I haven't told him anything about me other than enlarging what's already on my profile.
And yeah. Anyone can change minor details about themselves to dodge exposure for many reasons.

OP posts:
0range99 · 14/08/2018 08:25

Can I put across an opposing view?

I live in a village between two towns, the post town is the smaller town but as the DCs go to school / I used to live in and all my friends abc social life are in the bigger town, I use that one for reference but similarly to this guy could come across as dodgy.

I used a fake name on a dating site (character from a film) so my lovely now OH could’ve thought I was completely strange.

We messaged for ages and he had said stuff like “are you as perfect as you seem” and was keen to meet asap. After our first coffee date he told me that he had taken himself off all dating sites as he wanted to give us a real chance. Could’ve come across as love bombing I guess. It wasn’t, he just felt we clicked and didn’t want to message anyone else whilst we got to know one another.

Just trying to show that your mans behaviour doesn’t immediately raise suspicions.

I did google other half and check him out - not because I got a bad vibe, I wanted to take sensible precautions.

I would try get his DOB though so you can find out if it is the same person.

rainbowstardrops · 14/08/2018 08:36

Ooh tricky one. I think there could well be reason for you to have your suspicions but on the other hand, he might be genuine.
I'd try to get some more info on him before I met him.

Original poster
bulletdodger · 14/08/2018 08:40

Well yes fair points although he used a typical nickname for his profile and then gave his actual name when I asked. There can be no confusion about place though. It simply wouldn't be possible .
And it's as if he can't wait and if I hadn't already put some boundary in we'd be off site and already have met.
I am a fair person and always want to give the benefit of the doubt to folk. That almost certainly comes across in my profile. But. The woman's injuries. And how he lied about how she got them.
I can't afford to risk it. I know it isn't right and I'm scared. So I will block him and contact the site .
Thank you.

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 14/08/2018 08:41

I'm male, and the hairs on my neck are like flagpoles. Run like fuck.

EvaHarknessRose · 14/08/2018 08:50

You know its him. Just the sort of person who would be on a dating site being overly solicitous to a new person and not listening to your boundaries. He must be very good at this Sad I feel bad for other women who won’t spot this.

Original poster
bulletdodger · 14/08/2018 08:56

WAIT WAIT!!!!

How would he know we're both 'fire signs? My birth date isn't visible on my profile and I haven't told him that. It's match.com do they allow searches like that ?

OP posts:
Claw001 · 14/08/2018 09:03

You haven’t told him when your birthday is? Did you fill out a profile asking your star sign?

shallichangemyname · 14/08/2018 09:10

Ask him for his DOB. Say you're really into astrology or something.
Then request Clare's Law.
Wish I'd known about C's Law when I met my abusive ex on line.

Original poster
bulletdodger · 14/08/2018 09:15

No no questions of that sort. He has given his birth date but not the year in his message back to me asking his birthday. His profile and the news report shows a 2 year discrepancy. News report has him 2 years younger than he says. He looks younger than his profile age. He must have done something with my photo maybe ? Oh shit. I have to go for a bit but he may have also found me somewhere on the web.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 14/08/2018 09:20

You have nothing invested in this man and he is already making you worry. Why are you staying?
Just tell him it’s not working out, block him then double check your privacy settings on SM.
Seriously there is no point in perusing this.

shallichangemyname · 14/08/2018 09:25

Ok then go with your gut instinct. Just shut him down nicely then block.

UpstartCrow · 14/08/2018 09:32

How did he know you are a fire sign? Have you googled yourself? If you didn't give him your birth date, he's searched for you online; not to check that you are genuine, but to find information he can use.

SoupDragon · 14/08/2018 09:39

Is your birthdate on Facebook and is your profile set to friends only?