Mother in law from hell!

[Emily920]

Hi Everyone, I am a New mum to a 17 week old baby girl. I have been with my fiancé for 7 years however I have never really seen eye to eye with his mum. There has been times we have been the best of friends but there has also been heated arguments which has resulted in us not talking for a year etc!

He is a huge mummy's boy. Before me, she controlled his finances, his life and his mind. She hates the fact he is with me because I am very independent and I do not like being controlled. My own mother doesn't control me so why should anyone else?

Anyway, cut a very very long story short. This women is old school! marriage, house then kids! She cares a lot about what the community think of her and blackmails her son with her death! At Christmas I was s6 months pregnant, she stood over me, screamed in my face whilst holding a cigarette calling me a slag, bitch, whore and she wants nothing to do with her "bastard grandchild" I said nothing because I was ready to blow and I know I wouldn't be able to stop myself. We didn't speak until 2 weeks before I gave birth. I squashed it for the sake of our daughter and my partner even though deep down I hated her for what she said.

There whole family came to the hospital when I gave birth, his mum asked if she could be at the birth whilst I was having contractions and quite frankly I didn't Care who was there at that moment in time. Only after I gave birth she started saying" you wouldn't of got through that if it wasn't for me" blah blah blah glory hunting! It was my partner that helped me through it the most.

Anyway, another big argument happened and at this point I was living close to them but far away from my own family and friends. I had no one, I was looking after a newborn baby that cried ALOT and I felt like I was going insane. I spoke to my partner and said I want to move back to my home time, he agreed reluctantly because he knew his parents won't see her as much but it was the right thing for us a family. So we did, we are still not talking now and my daughter is 4 months old. She wants my daughter to stay at the house every other weekend with her dad but without me. I'm not ready, I know I'm not. I wouldn't leave her with anyone over night yet. I compromise and say you can have her all weekend except staying over, we will stay in a hotel for the time being until she is older. But rather than accepting tha, she would rather not see her at all :/

I don't know what to do!! I'm at my wits end, I can't keep putting other peoples feelings first that quite clearly don't care about mine! She's my daughter and i will know when I'm ready and when I am, I have no problem with her staying over! Please help! what shall I do??

I would remove your name from the post first of all!!

Did you know your name is at the top of this post?

OMG your name is on this!

I’ve reported for you!

Op I have reported your post to get your name deleted.

Just typing a longer response...

Reported too

Hi all,

Thanks for the reports! OP - we've edited your post now, but if you have any further problems at all, just let us know.

This is your child. You do not have to leave her with the grandparent, there’s no law! Tell your nasty ‘mil’ to fuck right off. Do not put yourself out by staying in a hotel, that’s ridiculous. She can see her grandchild when YOU want, under supervision. Given she hated the idea of you having the baby, she can jack right off. Stop trying to be nice to her. She’s been disgusting to you.

I had MIL problems after birth but nothing to the level you have had. She is toxic.

There's a fantastic book recommended a lot on here called Toxic in laws which will help you understand and deal with this.

Ultimately the standing your ground has to come from your partner and not you. It's taken me 4 years but my DH no longer jumps when they say jump and has cut the apron strings of his own accord. Your partner should read up about FOG ( fear obligation guilt).

They still push boundaries with DD but she is 4 now and has never stayed the night at their house. I make this a condition of contact. They have babysat for a few hours but nothing more.

Someone will be along soon with more and probably better advice but i wanted to say something other than point out your name was accidentally posted ( and dont worry about that the mumsnet gurus can edit your post)

What does your DP say about all of this? Where is he in this?

Old line on MN but you have a partner problem, not a MIL problem

Why does he not support you?

I have a very similar MIL. All this stuff about having the baby without you present or totally on her terms I would just ignore. That is all very controlling and your baby is very young. As a general rule of thumb, anyone you as an adult cannot stand to be around is usually not someone who should have unsupervised access to your child/ren.

Just don't spend these magical days with your new baby stressing about MIL. Offer her reasonable (supervised) access to the baby. If she has tantrums and hussy fits don't bother with anymore compromises.

Don't bend over backwards for toxic people.

Grandparents have no rights to see their grandchildren. Tell her to sod off with her ridiculous demands. She can see the baby on your terms. Make her come to you.

First your husband needs to grow up and support you! He needs to tell mummy that you're all doing what's beat got you as a family, not her! Set boundaries and don't give in, just say oh ok then if she threatens death, not seeing her grandchild! I may even their in an ok, let me know when you grow up and stop tantrums

Hi guys, don't worry, I have used a fake username for this exact reason 😊

My partner gets it just as bad from her! The things I have heard her say to him are disgusting. For example: "your going to make my cancer come back" .."I disown you" blah blah blah.. when they are getting along, she calls and facetimes 5-6 times a day. Because we are not talking he takes the baby into a different room so it's not awkward but I did tell him the other day that I don't want to feel awkward in my own home or that I can't speak to my baby 5 times a day because your mum keeps calling. We are organising our daughters christening at the moment and his mum hates the fact she is not involved. She tells everyone that I am a know it all and I don't respect her which admittedly I don't because for 7 years all I have done is try with this women and she has done nothing but try and control, manipulate and split me and my partner up. My partner does say things to her but I have also found out that he has slagged me off to her too in the past. The problem is, it's getting boring now! I really can't be bothered with a relationship with them because it's too much drama and I just want a simple life and to be happy, however my partner wants nothing more than for us all to get along! We now live and hour 1/2 away from them and they see my our daughter every other weekend. I can't help but feel bad when I say she can't stop over, but at the same time I really don't want her too! I'm way too much of a nice person and I keep forgiving and it's done me no good! I hold a lot of resentment to his mum, she has made my life a living hell for 7 years and the only reason I kept giving chances was for my partner. All I seem to do is think about the situation because I know eventually it's going to kick off again. What happens and Christmas or birthdays etc? It's so annoying and I really don't want to miss out on anything but then if I say no " I'm stopping them from bonding" let me just add.. it's there first grandchild! However, I can't help but think I don't care if she is your 1st or 4th, you said you want nothing to do with her, you screamed in my face when I was 6 months pregnant, you blatenetly lie to split me and my partner up! She EVEN called my mum and Dad a few weeks ago to tell them what she thinks of me, I can honestly say that she didn't expect he response she got from my mum!!! My whole family hate her because they know how upset I have been so my mum just lost it! I'm 26 and I do not need someone phoning my parents like I'm a child! I can't take it, but I also can't be a bitch :(!!

Why do you want to give someone unsupervised access to your child, that treats and emotionally abuses the people who are close to her?

You are setting her up for the same treatment.

Do you not think that this will start very quickly and be a detriment to your Child?

Anyone that could use the word, Whore, would not get unsupervised access to my DDs.

Also, your Partner is in denial how bad they are and has been conditioned to think that their behaviour is normal. You are never going to get along, unless you do what she wants.

It's you that has to take charge.

Agreed that your DP has Magical Thinking and that if you will all just bend yourself into knots enough that somehow his mum will change her behaviour and be the mum he wishes she was. This is NEVER going to happen. Your DP is brainwashed to put his mum before himself because she is a bully and overbearing. You need as a couple to understand that you are the priority and the decision makers and put some boundaries up. Why the hell is he facetiming 5 times a day? That shows you that his behaviour is very codependent.

You live an hour and a half away, but this requires an overnight stay? She doesn't want you in her house and you don't want her (don't blame you)

I suggest you move further away and don't give her your address!

Just be aware that if you abd your partner break up your MIL will be able to access your baby unsupervised, 50% of the time and they’ll be nothing you can do about it.

Grandparents do not have a right or even a need to unsupervised access especially with a new born. I would halt that for a start, I also wouldn't allow any children of mine to have a relationship with an adult that wasn't able to be civil with me and have some respect even if it is only as the mother or their grandchild. You can't always expect in-laws to like you and vice versa but if they are as toxic as this, as the mother of a new born i would suggest you stop handing your baby over to someone who feels they have more rights to this baby than you

I would also reduce FaceTiming to once or twice a week, because 5; 6 times a day is ridiculous and disruptive. You need your DP on side, OP.

What a horrible, evil bastard the MIL is. I thought my late MIL was a bitch, but yours sounds absolutely insane.

You need to get your husband more on your side and make him realise that his mother is toxic. Is your husband's dad alive?

If I were you, I'd rather have NOTHING whatsoever to do with her, and she wouldn't be seeing my child. I'd move to the other end of the country to avoid her.

The thing is, it's not unsupervised.. They keep saying to my partner "why won't she let you, the baby is with her dad?" And also telling him to just take her as he has 50% equal rights. I don't know what world she was brought up in but decisions get made together in my household, we don't just pick up and go wherever we want without talking! When he falls out with his mum, he is completely against her and if I say I want her to have nothing to do worthy the baby then he agreed but as soon as his mum comes crawling, it gets forgot about! He always says " I only have one mum" which I understand but does it really mean he has to take this shit? This is another example of the type of women we are dealing with.. a couple of weekends ago, we travelled to see them.. we we're staying at our old house as I had to hand the keys in the next day. She thought the baby was staying at hers ( my partner didn't tell her otherwise even though I told him weeks before ) so the day before we went, he eventually told her she wasn't stopping, and instead of seeing her all day Saturday and Sunday she preferred to not see her at all and told my partner to not go to the house! He had to go and meet his dad and his sister in Costa coffee on the Sunday so they could spend a few hours with the baby! All because she didn't get her own way! Part of me thinks, you can't pick and choose when you see her.. I also worry about my daughters future, are they going to mess around with her? Make her feel like she's done something wrong? The other issue is, his dad is the best man ever!!! So calm, never gets involved and I really get on with him.. he also loves our daughter ALOT and she loves him! It's such a shame that this women is the way she is 😩 Really appreciate everyone's advice by the way.. it's nice to hear advise from people that are not biased xx