Mother in law from hell!

[Emily920]

Hi Everyone, I am a New mum to a 17 week old baby girl. I have been with my fiancé for 7 years however I have never really seen eye to eye with his mum. There has been times we have been the best of friends but there has also been heated arguments which has resulted in us not talking for a year etc!

He is a huge mummy's boy. Before me, she controlled his finances, his life and his mind. She hates the fact he is with me because I am very independent and I do not like being controlled. My own mother doesn't control me so why should anyone else?

Anyway, cut a very very long story short. This women is old school! marriage, house then kids! She cares a lot about what the community think of her and blackmails her son with her death! At Christmas I was s6 months pregnant, she stood over me, screamed in my face whilst holding a cigarette calling me a slag, bitch, whore and she wants nothing to do with her "bastard grandchild" I said nothing because I was ready to blow and I know I wouldn't be able to stop myself. We didn't speak until 2 weeks before I gave birth. I squashed it for the sake of our daughter and my partner even though deep down I hated her for what she said.

There whole family came to the hospital when I gave birth, his mum asked if she could be at the birth whilst I was having contractions and quite frankly I didn't Care who was there at that moment in time. Only after I gave birth she started saying" you wouldn't of got through that if it wasn't for me" blah blah blah glory hunting! It was my partner that helped me through it the most.

Anyway, another big argument happened and at this point I was living close to them but far away from my own family and friends. I had no one, I was looking after a newborn baby that cried ALOT and I felt like I was going insane. I spoke to my partner and said I want to move back to my home time, he agreed reluctantly because he knew his parents won't see her as much but it was the right thing for us a family. So we did, we are still not talking now and my daughter is 4 months old. She wants my daughter to stay at the house every other weekend with her dad but without me. I'm not ready, I know I'm not. I wouldn't leave her with anyone over night yet. I compromise and say you can have her all weekend except staying over, we will stay in a hotel for the time being until she is older. But rather than accepting tha, she would rather not see her at all :/

I don't know what to do!! I'm at my wits end, I can't keep putting other peoples feelings first that quite clearly don't care about mine! She's my daughter and i will know when I'm ready and when I am, I have no problem with her staying over! Please help! what shall I do??

Firmly say
Whilst I want my dd to have a great relationship with her paternal grandparents
That is not going to happen
Overnight stays are not something that is going to happen
We will invite you over, we will do things together

But if you keep harassing me then I will most certainly back away from you and that would be a shame

You op can shape the relationship you have

Make it clear any screaming will not be tolerated, you’ll leave and not go back

You can “manage” the relationship if you choose

Yes a lovely man that doesn’t get involved

Anything for a quiet life = walk over

Just call her out on it and tell her if she’s going to act in this way it’ll be her loss

As for baby, she’ll grow up knowing grandma is temperamental and don’t take any notice

I love my MIL and neither of my sons have stayed overnight with her & FIL - or with my parents before anyone jumps on me! - my eldest is almost 4. She’s your daughter not a doll for others to play with

The dad isn't that good as he's allowed his wife
To become Satan!

Why do these people think they should have your daughter to stay every other weekend and Facetime 5 or 6 times a day? That is not normal.
My PIL lived near Bradford when DS was born. They saw him about every 6-8weeks for a day or so if either we went there or they came up here. DH spoke to them once or twice a week. Same when DD came along.
It isn't normal to expect what they expect and your DH hsould not be pandering to them in any way. Do not allow this to continue. If they want to see your baby meet them once a mnth on a Saturday half way between both places for a couple of hours then go home. Don't give in to her. She sounds disgusting.

Baby's aren't toys to share round! Unless you feel like you need a break and therefore it would benefit you and DD then I wouldn't be leaving a 4 month old with anyone! DD2 is nearly 2 and I wouldn't be sending her alone to family yet as she doesn't speak and would probably end up getting upset, there's just no need for it extended family can see you as a family they don't need the baby alone.

Ask your dh if he want his dc to think that his dm behaviour is ok? As your child grows and emulates behaviour would he want her to copy his dm? Because children are sponges and pick up behaviours very quickly. And attention drawing behaviour the most... all those stories about saying fuck once and a child repeating endlessly are true . I want/agree with strong family relationships, but how she treats you both is not ok. I’d personally be asking her why she wants to spend time with the ‘bastard’ Dc and that would be just the start!

Ps the sooner she starts having your dc, the sooner she can instill the controlling behaviour with your child. If it’s been instilled from birth, it’s normal

I would absolutely not let my MIL have my DD if we had a relationship like this and she had demonstrated this behaviour. Your OH should be supporting you much more than he is and explaining to his mother that you are a family and she can’t dictate who she will see when. Your DD is your child she has no right to demand time with her in any way. If my MIL went on like this I think I would cut contact, she will end up being a damaging influence around your child x

Also why should you lose time with your DD because she doesn’t like you? She’s got the problem she should be the one to be losing time

I have a toxic MIL also. I removed being at this stage also. All they do is consume your thoughts.
Once dh and I came to firm agreement on how things would be ie Xmas/ birthday how and where they would be celebrated and made detonate plans it helped. But it's just about coming to terms with the relationship you wanted and accepting the relationship you have with her.
When she say to dh about he 50% of the time keep reminding him that that is for families who have separated you are a unit and it's all 3 of you or nothing.
And a last note I have to say;
My mum is my bestfreind. I love her dearly. She gave me an amazing upbringing. I trust her with my children but it was only last week I let my 3 year old stay over night for the first time. I waited until myself and ds where ready and she knows my ds inside out.

The way shes acting I wouldn't want your child seeing her regularly, what happens when they build a bond then all the nastiness and guilt tripping/manipulation starts to be aimed at your child once shes older.

On top of that no doubt she'll be bitching about you to your daughter the second shes old enough to talk if shes thought it appropriate to phone your parents up to bitch about you!

Id start arranging other things with DP eg. Take baby swimming, to petting zoo, see friends with babies, picnic, visit somewhere nearby for a daytrip, go for a meal etc. Start to have more time together as a family and forget about this every other weekend nonsense. If she asks then you have plans.

Visit once every 2 months, all of you, and if shes unpleasant then you leave with DD, DP can stay if he wants but you do not have to leave your DD with that horrible woman if she can't even act civil.

Alternate who's family you spend Christmas with, and invite both families on birthday, but don't be bending over backwards to accommodate her. If shes not happy with what's offered then she doesn't have to accept and just carry on as planned.