Is this normal? (DP / baby related)

[scottishfrisby]

So, random I know but interested to find out whether this is normal.

DP and I have a 6mo DD. DP has never been home alone with DD and has never taken her out anywhere alone (not even just a 5 minute walk in the pram) despite my encouragement to do so.

There are a few other similar things but these 2 stick out to me and I just wondered whether this was normal?

Not normal for us. DH has DS alone from week 1. Is there a reason for it, are you EBF, is he scared?

I dont know if I would say it was normal, but DP was like this when DS was quite young. He's happy to spend time with him now, though, and takes him out on his own quite often. I think you should talk to your DP. Like Oh said, maybe it's a confidence thing.

I am EBF but my DM has DD for us for a few hours on occasion and DP is happy with this so I don't think that's necessarily a problem.

I'm not sure whether he is scared. I've asked him and he just says that he's not ready.

I would say not normal, but not so abnormal as not to be unusual.

You need to go out and leave him with the baby. Don't give him the choice.

What would he say if you said you were just popping to the shop/your mum's/wherever for 5 mins to pick up something you forgot?

I think he needs to expand on what ready means, ready to be responsible for her alone? He sounds scared to me. Think you need a big talk to go through your needs and his worries.

Lazy git more like. It set you already for doing everything to do with child rearing. He can leave the house when he wants but you cannot - your job is to think “what about the baby”.

My DH was left in week 3, I went to get my hair done. I breastfed and pumped a bottle for DD. When we had DS, it would have been a similar time frame but it doesn't stand out in my memory!

'Not ready' my arse'.
Some men appear to think women are born with a manual for motherhood, as if we don't get nervous the first time we're left alone for the day with out babies, or on our first trip out with them.

It's total bullshit, new Mum's fake it til they make it & learn on the job - so must he.
Is he generally attentive to her needs or is he 'not ready' to change her nappies too?

Tbh I find this extremely weird. Haven't you ever needed to just do a quick errand like get your hair cut or something. So if all of you were at home together doing nothing, and you needed to pop to the shops, you would pack up baby and take her with you (making it a big hassle) instead of leaving her with DH for 20 minutes?

I wonder when he will be "ready"?

Does he have a timeframe for being "ready"? What is he doing to become "ready"?

It has already been 6 months. Maybe it is just an excuse not to take responsibility and leave you doing all the parenting - will you accept him not being "ready" for as long as your DD requires parenting?

Not acceptable or normal.

Maybe it would be better if you just get it over with, and don't make it (or let him make it) in to a big thing like The First Time DH Is Alone With Baby. With him saying"I'm not ready"and you saying "will you be OK, ring me if you need me" etc. Just say "I'm popping out for half an hour, have fun" and go.

Not normal IMO. Both of mine have been EBF and from a few weeks old DH would take them out for 2 hours at a time so I can sleep. They're currently 3.5 and 5 months and he takes them out every Saturday morning for my alone time.

Nobody's ever ready for being alone with a baby, but when you're the parent, tough fucking shit. Tell him you are going out, you are leaving the baby with him, and it is not a negotiation.

Not normal my DH used to take our children in the pram so I could get some sleep as I'd be up later feeding them
Also I could go swimming etc as they got older and I even went back to work at 6 months and DH took 4 months paternity leave

If baby was a few weeks old I may understand, but it frustrates me that women are mean to just know everything and take all responsibility and fathers (equal parents!) can claim fear and not do any child-rearing.

Go out! Express if you need to, or leave formula, and go and have some time to yourself. Your dh will manage. I think he’s just got used to you doing all the work and is loving the easy ride.

Does he help out with baby at home? Baths, feeds, getting to sleep, getting baby ready etc?

Not normal, even for EBF.

The "not ready" sounds like bollocks to me. Not ready for what? To push the pram around the block for 10 minutes?

Agree as someone said above, they seem to believe we have a manual or something and magically know what we are doing, and that gives them an excuse to do little

Why not? Who looks after DD when you go out?

I did once say to DH when our first was a baby "I don't have a fucking baby-care chip in my brain, you know!"

He was just nervous and not avoidant like your partner, but I definitely think it can be helpful to spell out to your partner that you didn't have any more knowledge or experience than he did when your baby was born, you just didn't have someone else to palm the care off on. He learns by doing and he starts now.

Not normal here either. He's the baby's parent as much as you are, so why isn't he taking responsibility?

Does he do things with the baby when you are in the house - bath, bedtime, nappies etc?

The risk is that you'll end up forever being the one who has to organise everything, because somehow child rearing is your responsibility, not his

Bloke here.

Id say abnormal. When our DS was born I was incredibly nervous as id never held a baby before let alone been jointly responsible for one ! However I did first nappy and bath in the hospital (I still remember shaking - i know it sounds pathetic)

I took our son out regularly after a feed for a walk in the pram to let my wife catch an hours sleep. My wife expressed which meant I could do some night feeds. I think this really helped us bond as a family.

I will say i do know some fathers who dont do nappys etc but i think this ends up being quite restrictive. In an ideal world partners should discuss expectations before having babies !

Interesting responses I did suspect it wasn't normal. Sigh.

To answer some questions (sorry if I've missed any):

I'd never have to pop to the shops because DP would insist on going for me. I don't think this would be in a child care avoidant way, more in the same way he would insist on making a cup of tea if I said I was going to make one. I think out of kindness. I'm less sure now actually.

He will change DDs nappies. But only in the house. He won't ever change them in public because he 'wouldn't know what to do' and 'I'm better at it'.

He will very occasionally get her changed for the day but I usually do it.

He won't do baths - this he is genuinely worried about doing.

He doesn't do bed time routine. Or evening wake ups. Or night wake ups.

After many arguments about DP maintaining a 10:30 wake up on the weekend despite the above he does now agree to set his alarm and take DD downstairs so I have the lie ins (or catch up on lost sleep ins!).

If I go out I take DD with me. Always. Unless my DM has offered to have her and then I would do whatever I may need to do that week whilst DM has her.

I do feel tempted to just announce I'm going out but I don't want an argument and I'm sure it would go down like a lead balloon - I'd just be expected to take DD with me. I think DP would seriously not understand why I wouldn't take her.

Oh one more question I forgot - DP is fully aware I have no baby experience whatsoever. He however has plenty of experience and was the one who showed me how to put on a nappy when I was pregnant! (We practiced on a teddy. I was that clueless )

Yes, that wouldn't really be a kindness to me because although getting groceries can be a hassle, it can also be nice to pop out and see what's there, pick up what you like (and maybe grabbing a drink or snack while there).

Also things like getting hair cuts, eyebrow wax or massage. Pretty annoying to bring baby along, possibly waking them up to do so, and have them scream while you get it done. While DP sits at home! Nip this in the bud right now.

When you say "he has baby experience" do you mean that he has children with someone else?

Based on your description, he's a lazy git. This is true even if this is his first baby. He is also leveraging your unwillingness to "cause an argument" to get away with this. He doesn't have to understand or approve your desire for alone time or not having to bundle the baby up every time you go to the shop, he just has to deal with it.

You are going to have to cause an argument. It's the only way. It's not healthy in any case to live in a relationship where you can't address bad behaviour in case it causes an argument.

He’s not ready? But he expects your DM to be fine looking after your child for a few hours when he won’t do the same thing himself?
No it’s not normal. Some people don’t want to leave their babies at that age and that’s fine, but its clear you’re happy to do so but he won’t facilitate it.
I had a hen do when DD1 was 5 months that I couldn’t get out of (I was maid of honour). DD was BF but at that point would take a bottle (was short lived!) of expressed milk so DH happily took the reins for the weekend. He had never even held a baby before we had her.

I think it sounds like a lack of confidence. He might need encouragement to do more for your dd, but with you there beside him, reassuring him.

When my dd was a baby we lived literally a few doors away from the ILS. My dp would take her down to see his mum and dad, but always took her in the car seat (one of the stage 0 ones from a travel system), because she seemed so fragile to him that he was too scared to just pick her up and carry her down.