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Original poster

Is this normal? (DP / baby related)

43 replies

scottishfrisby · 12/08/2018 07:14

So, random I know but interested to find out whether this is normal.

DP and I have a 6mo DD. DP has never been home alone with DD and has never taken her out anywhere alone (not even just a 5 minute walk in the pram) despite my encouragement to do so.

There are a few other similar things but these 2 stick out to me and I just wondered whether this was normal?

OP posts:

seven201 · 12/08/2018 09:06

My dh was scared of being left with the baby. He was very hands on but he is just a worrier. I just told him he'd have to cope and I'd only be gone 30mins and needed some time away from dd. Don't let him get away it!

ElspethFlashman · 12/08/2018 09:17

Fuck lack of confidence. At 6 months he is 100% pulling the piss.

He's treating the OP like she's a single parent.

I would LOVE to see his reaction if the OP actually insisted on going to the shops on her own. I bet he'd be off with her for hours afterwards for having the sheer cheek to make him parent his own child.

Camomila · 12/08/2018 09:36

DS was EBF and I didn't express but even so I was able to say 'just popping to the cornershop' or get DH to push DS round the park without me going too or if we went out with my friends for lunch he'd be in charge of DS so I could chat...

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Thurlow · 12/08/2018 10:03

You need to nip this in the bud otherwise when is he going to decide he has confidence?

Now she's a baby and he feels she's breakable and he doesn't know what she wants so he can't cope

Then she'll be one and wandering around and he'll say he can't control her

Then she'll be two and having tantrums and he'll say he can't manage them

Then she'll be three and won't behave for him and...

You get my point. He won't suddenly wake up once day and decide now he's capable of looking after her unless you start forcing the issues now

Parker231 · 12/08/2018 10:08

Organise a night out with your friends and leave him to it. He sounds incredibly lazy and isn’t really a parent if he carries on like this.

crosser62 · 12/08/2018 10:08

That would not be normal in our house.
My kids are dh's kids therefore he has equal responsibility.
That's it, also it's not what I expect of him, it's what he just does and without encouragement. He just does it.
As it happens I work more hours than him therefore child care is split 70/30 for us.
During mat leave though, obviously it was more me, but then he would take over when he got home from work. Again without encouragement, he just did.

I feel for you op, I couldn't manage it all like you are having to do, I would have gone bonkers.

blueskiesandforests · 12/08/2018 10:14

DH probably wasn't alone with dc1 much before 6 months, but tbh I didn't want to leave her. I've never wanted to be away from my babies before they could move away from me (physically - for me babies getting mobile and being able to physically crawl / cruise away from me has naturally coincided with me feeling relaxed about being away from them physically). I know that isn't considered "normal" on MN, but it worked out fine for us.

By dc3 I did have to leave the baby with DH for 4 hours twice per week from 4 months old because I'd made a commitment to teach evening classes starting then a long time in advance, before I knew I was pregnant! That worked out well because I "had" to do it I found it easier, and DH "had" to manage putting a 6 year old, a 4 year old and a baby to bed even though I'd always done bedtime (tbh the baby was usually still up, but he was a bugger to get to sleep and he was safe and happy).

The key in your case is you want him to and he won't. That's shit and he should step up, it's 50% his baby!

Caterina99 · 12/08/2018 10:39

Not normal for me. I’m a sahm so I naturally seem to have more responsibility for the kids, but when DS was born I’d tell DH that this is my first baby too - I don’t know what to do either! I guess I was “lucky” in the sense that I was very ill after his birth and DH had no choice but to do the majority of his care for a couple of days as all our family are abroad.

Breastfeeding makes it more difficult to get away from them when they’re small, but I would feed and then hand them over and leave the house for an hour. Now they are 3yrs and 10m and DH is perfectly capable of looking after them both if I need a break, and putting them both to bed if I’m out, and we each have a weekend morning to ourselves for a lie in.

Tell him you need some mental space and book a hair appointment or something that the baby definitely can’t come to so he has no choice. Even a trip to the supermarket is a treat for me if I’m alone!

TheBlueDot · 12/08/2018 10:45

Not normal - he's making you into the default parent who always hs to think about DD.

I used to love going to the supermarket on my own - it was a break and I often used to bump into other new mum friends wandering round the supermarket too. Do you not feel like you need a break to just be yourself (not in mum mode) sometimes?

areyouactuallykidding · 12/08/2018 12:17

It’s not a lack of confidence, he clearly just thinks childcare is your job. No-one is scared to push their own child around the block at 6 months old. And as for doing no night time wake ups and then lying in? Well he’s taking you for a ride. Really caring for you is not going to the shops (so he can get some baby free time) but actually being an equal parent to his OWN child

Original poster

scottishfrisby · 12/08/2018 16:56

We have an update!!

DP is CURRENTLY pushing DD round the block and I'm at home! Small victories but definitely a step in the right direction. Remains to be seen whether DD will be handed over the second they get in or not

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 12/08/2018 16:59

Get yourself in the bath so he can't hand her over!

Talith · 12/08/2018 17:06

Brilliant! Well done the pair of you. My ma told me to park the Moses basket at his feet and say I was popping out to the shop. Don't give him a choice. They do the same, popping out! He needs to build his confidence. Not having a choice is part of being a parent btw. Do it now before you become burdened when he's convinced he can't do owt. Trust him. Let him know you trust him and definitely hand over the babe and go out.

He might do things differently to you btw, you have to listen and accept and not get instantly mama bear and tell him he is wrong.

Original poster

scottishfrisby · 12/08/2018 17:08

@ApolloandDaphne such a good idea. Running bath now!

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 12/08/2018 17:15

Good stuff.

Original poster

scottishfrisby · 12/08/2018 17:45

Hehehe.

DP and DD came home as I was running the bath. DP came straight up and into the bathroom with DD still with changing bag on his back and was like 'why are you naked?'

When I told him I was having a bath he looked a bit startled and backed away saying 'no worries I was just going to ask you to have DD while I got in'.

Off they went. I had a bubble bath in peace.
Hehehe.

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 12/08/2018 18:11

Well done. Keep it up. He will soon get used to caring for her on his own.

PotteringAlong · 12/08/2018 19:34

I hope you had a lovely long soak and he enjoyed his time with DD.

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