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Original poster

Funeral and family holiday

48 replies

Cookiemonster14 · 02/08/2018 21:08

Genuine WWYD; I’m in two minds and hating myself for being selfish!
Basically, husbands nan (92) passed away this week, not a shock but not expected either. Issue is, the funeral will more than likely be arranged while we are on our family holiday, which we have been saving for for about 18 months and looking forward to for longer. My three year old can’t wait, it’s my 6 month old’s first holiday and we’re holidaying with two family members who are sort of relying on us (2 week camping trip, they’re quite inexperienced and a bit clueless!)
So, wwyd?
-Cancel the holiday? FIL has said we shouldn’t, nan herself would have hated this (she was an avid traveller and did all sorts in her youth 😝)

  • Take the children, leave my husband? Not ideal as I don’t want to drive abroad alone!
  • Not attend the funeral at all? BIL (and no doubt other relatives) will not be very forgiving, possibly cutting ties, which I’m sure my husband would want to avoid.

A few opinions would be appreciated. As I say, I’m aware this is incredibly self-centred in the wake of the death of a much loved family member, please don’t judge!

OP posts:
PeonyTruffle · 02/08/2018 21:10

I think I would go to the funeral in your situation, sorry.
I think his Nan is a close enough relative to warrant cancelling and I'm sure your friends would understand given the circumstances

tinytemper66 · 02/08/2018 21:12

My cousin went on holiday when her grampa died. I think you should go on holiday personally.

travailtotravel · 02/08/2018 21:12

Ask for the funeral when you get back.
It go on holiday - maybe with DH flying back for the day as a compromise.

Funerals are for the living not the dead. You can honour nan in any way that fits your life. If you get cut off for choosing not to go and for putting your children ahead of BIL then I'm not sure these are people you necessarily need in your life?

walkingtheplank · 02/08/2018 21:15

When this has happened in my family, the funeral has been scheduled until after everyone's holiday.

coco2891 · 02/08/2018 21:16

I think if she would have wanted you to go then go, funerals are so sad and there will be other family members there to represent. Or see if they can sort funeral for before or after holiday ? I don't mean to sound cold it's just life goes on , what does your husband say about it ? x

storycubes · 02/08/2018 21:18

To me this is the important part.

FIL has said we shouldn’t, nan herself would have hated this (she was an avid traveller and did all sorts in her youth 😝)

Your father in law doesn't want you to cancel. He is one of the most important people in this in my opinion. You also know that his Nan would not have wanted you to cancel. Personally I feel that if your DHs parents say go, you go.

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 02/08/2018 21:18

Go on the holiday. Your child is excited and they won't understand why they can't go.

As for family who won't be forgiving, life is to live!!! Take it and live it.

sar501 · 02/08/2018 21:20

Go on the holiday

imsorryiasked · 02/08/2018 21:23

I'd go on holiday, but would it be possible for DH to travel back for the funeral? How far away is the funeral from the holiday location?
Or another option: If it's a crematorium, most are able to offer a live webcast of the service.

AlpacaLypse · 02/08/2018 21:24

I was in the position of organising a family funeral in the middle of summer holiday chaos. We went for low key funeral as soon as possible, and mahoosive remembrance/wake/memorial service/celebration of the life of my brother party about six weeks later. I am very happy that I went the right direction.

Time40 · 02/08/2018 21:24

Ask for the funeral to be after your holiday.

If that can't happen, go on the holiday.

Bythepath · 02/08/2018 21:26

My gran died a few years ago, in her late 90s and not a shock but not expected. My aunt was due to go away for a month so they did the funeral before she went. The result was that both me and one of my cousins were on holiday. Neither of us came back\cancelled and without exception all my siblings, parents, cousins etc told us to go and I would say the same to them. I loved my gran and have lovely memories.

Firenight · 02/08/2018 21:28

Go on the holiday. Other family members can represent you at the funeral. I’ve done that for my parents when no one else from my immediate family could make it.

starfishmummy · 02/08/2018 21:30

I've known people postpone funerals due to holidays. And to be honest I've known people who had to wait 3 or 4 weeks anyway

ivykaty44 · 02/08/2018 21:30

Where are you driving to for camping?

Imchlibob · 02/08/2018 21:30

FIL's feelings are paramount as the bereaved spouse. BIL can fottfsofatfosm.

Ideal solution would be to delay the funeral until after the holiday.

If that can't be managed then there might be a way to just curtail the holiday slightly and go if the date is near to the beginning or end of the holiday.

If attending can't be combined with holiday at all then do holiday as that is what FIL wants.

PamsterWheel · 02/08/2018 21:31

Similar situation with me. I asked myself what would my grandad have said to me about going to.his funeral. I'm pretty sure he would of said go on your holiday. I did. My immediate family totally understood and if any of the wider family didn't I don't kniw neither care. I had a private moment, looking out over a beautiful ocean on a gorgeous sunny day, quietly paying my respects at the time his funeral took place.

What advice would your nan give you if you could ask her?

kirta · 02/08/2018 21:32

I was in this situation today. My Grandmother. Loved her dearly but funeral was whilst we are away. We honoured her in our own way today and did some lovely things to remember her. She would have been so cross if me and her great grandchildren missed our holiday. We smiled all day thinking about her.

ivykaty44 · 02/08/2018 21:32

Tbh I’d ask fil to delay the funeral if that’s possible, most funerals seem to be three or four weeks after the death, so this would give you time?

PrimalLass · 02/08/2018 21:33

Go on holiday. It's a few hours compared to a lifetime of memories.

Squirrelclubbadges · 02/08/2018 21:36

Send flowers, go on holiday, here abandoned can go to funeral and join you (or fly back).

First though ask for funeral to be arranged before or after your holiday. There should be no reason why this can’t happen (unless BIL is on holiday then of course...)

Squirrelclubbadges · 02/08/2018 21:36

here abandoned can = DH can

Nanasueathome · 02/08/2018 21:38

They can delay the funeral until you return from holiday

PrimalLass · 02/08/2018 21:39

If your husband's brother would cut ties over this then he is not worth the bother.

wafflyversatile · 02/08/2018 21:39

Go in holiday. FIL doesn't mind.

I doubt you could claim on your insurance for a gp funeral anyway.